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[Cat]

Unwilling kleptomaniac

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… I didn’t know about your column until last year. Since then, I’ve been an avid reader and have even cut out certain columns where your advice was helpful to me.


I’m 24 years old and I’ve been working for quite some time now at a call center in Makati. Unlike some people who feel that this is a dead-end job, I actually enjoy what I’m doing, and I’ve even been promoted to the HR department, where I’ve always wanted to be in the first place.

I guess the reason why I’m writing to you guys is because I have a problem with shoplifting. I guess it began when I was in 4th year high school, when I stole a book from a pretty popular bookstore. I felt such a thrill as I walked past security guards and salesladies without any of them stopping me. I guess I’ve been addicted to that thrill ever since. I’ve stolen two more books since then. Just recently, I’ve also began pocketing CDs from record bars in malls.

I’m very aware that what I’m doing is wrong, and that I am not only hurting myself but also my family, who will be so humiliated if ever I get caught. I also don’t steal from the office, but I guess you can say that I’m only doing that because it’s so much easier to get caught in the workplace.

But I honestly want to stop this habit. I’ve avoided malls as much as possible-staying away from temptation, so to speak. However, I can’t avoid malls forever, and sooner or later I might just find myself in a situation where I will steal again.

My friend has told me to go to a psychiatrist, but I’m afraid that I’ll be turned over to the police if I ever do that. What can I do to stop myself from shoplifting any longer? Should I really consult a psychiatrist? I’m so afraid that I’ll be preached at, I feel guilty enough as things stand now, I don’t need other people to tell me what a bad person I am. Please, please help me – Jopay


CHICO SAYS… First of all, no, psychiatrists won’t turn you over to the police because of the confidentiality between doctor and patient.

And secondly, a therapist won’t scold you or nag you like a mother hen clucking after her errant chicks.

I assure you about these things mainly because I would have to agree with your friends that you need professional help. A therapist will be able to help you thresh things out, like why you do the things you do. There can be many reasons why you steal when obviously you don’t need to. Many kleptomaniacs are actually people who are well-off, who can very well afford to buy the things they steal. And they usually swipe petty things like books, CDs, and food.

As to why you do it, you can see yourself simply as suffering from a compulsion disorder. You just feel compelled to take it, even if you don’t need to steal it, even if you don’t even need the item you steal.

It can also be that you’re simply addicted to the sensation of getting away with it — that maybe this is just another adrenalin rush for you. Some people get their kicks from skydiving or bungee jumping, but maybe you get yours from stealing.

Another possible reason is that you do this because you subconsciously want to get caught. Maybe this is a cry for help because you crave attention from someone — possibly your parents or some other people close to you. Maybe you want the people around you to look closer and inspect you more closely.

Most recently the most famous case involved Winona Ryder. This actress earns millions of dollars but pilfers clothes and underwear. It’s a given that she has the money and obviously she wouldn’t want to be caught because she’s a top celebrity and this means a major scandal, yet she did it anyway.

Of course I’m just guessing as to why you do this. That’s why I strongly suggest that you seek professional help. There’s nothing to be scared or ashamed of. At least you’re very self-aware. Knowing and admitting that you have a problem is half the battle.


DELAMAR SAYS… Yes, kleptomaniacs are addicted to the thrill of almost getting caught stealing. There is a high when you know that you got away with something that you shouldn’t have done.

Obviously, the key here is to understand what’s going on your mind. There is something that’s pushing you to do this and you are addicted and hooked on shoplifting. Like most addictions, it will get worse and worse if you don’t seek professional help. You can try staying away from malls but that’s just a stop gap measure.

If you really want to stop this you will have to go to the root of what’s causing this. And you know what? It is all in your mind. It’s just buried so deep down that you can’t understand what’s pushing you. But it’s there. It’s locked in your head and you need to face the music and deal with it head on if you want to kick this habit.

The best advice really is to go to a psychiatrist. The inner workings of our mind are so complicated that you will need the help of a professional. In therapy you will be forced to ask and answer questions, questions like: did anything happen in your life before you began shoplifting? What do you get out of doing it aside from the obvious high it brings? Describe the relationships in your life? Many questions will start with the word "why."

And still many other questions will arise from your answers until you get a breakthrough or until the constant asking brings you to what’s really causing this addiction to stealing. You will need to not just take a look at the act of stealing but at your whole life because what’s causing you to do this can only come from what’s going on in it.

Don’t worry, whatever you say to your therapist is bound by confidentiality. Your therapist will not rat on you. He or she will be more concerned in helping you rather than getting you arrested because you’re suffering from an obsession.

So, please go get help before this situation and your obsession worsen. I’m just more worried you will be caught and then you will be publicly humiliated. Your position in your company might be compromised when that happens. And I’m sure this will bring shame also to your family. Now that’s not a situation you want in your hands.

I hope you take our advice for your own sake. Kleptomania is an obsession. And it’s futile to just stop the act of stealing without understanding what’s pushing you to do it in the first place. You need to understand the nature of your obsession and what’s causing it. Go to a psychiatrist at the soonest possible time. It is only in understanding a problem can we really hope to solve it.

4/20/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR… Greetings and hope you two are doing very well. To me you guys are awesome and amazing (really and I like Delle’s accent so much). Anyways, I’m 24; I was a disc jockey too in one of the big cities in the South. This is weird but here goes.
It was three years ago when I fell in love with my first girlfriend and during those times I would often ask my co-worker named Caroline, also a DJ and who was so pretty and beautiful, as to what to do? My girlfriend and Caroline were both Leo and I am a Sagittarian so the advise I got from my co-worker really hit the target. I owed much of the success of that courtship to my co-worker and she was really great. After a while my co-worker quit radio and it did break my heart. She was so nice that I thought we’re gonna be working hand in hand for the years to come.
After losing a great friend and a confidante at work, I did also end my relationship with my first girlfriend and then went on with the flow of life and got a second one. During my two year-relationship with my second girlfriend, we lived together. But things got ugly when she left for abroad. Because I was deeply in love with her, I decided to wait for her promise to return. After a year of communicating by phone, she told me that it was over. I was really baffled and turned to depression.
It’s been two years and I realized that I have to move on. Out of the blue, one of my colleagues told me that Caroline is now a branch manager of a clothing line here in our place. I decided to drop by and we were really ecstatic to see each other after three years. She and I were all smiles and we did talk for hours thereafter, I would always visit her. She did tell me that she was seeing someone but not that too serious.
After months of always communicating, we decided to be best friends thereafter. And the crazy part was the suitors stayed away. This really gave me an inside track. I then felt the heartbeat that got me here to write because as best friends, I am thinking about how much I care for her and how much I love her as a friend. But deep down inside, I believe that she is the one. I can’t just hide this and its killing me deep inside. If we are great as best friends, wouldn’t we be greater as a couple? I have doubts as to where our friendship would lead. She is advising me not to look back about the Leo thing told me about before. Sounds funny but reality bites — after three years she even still remembers everything. Ha ha ha ha. Please help. — JG
CHICO SAYS… Who are you guys kidding? If how you described your relationship together in your letter is accurate, then you guys have been doing a lot of emotional fencing for the past three years or so.
If it’s true she was every bit as ecstatic to see you again, and if she really remembered every minute detail of how you were together, then maybe this fruit is ripe and ready for the picking.
Based only on what you wrote to us (which can be infinitely colored to suit your own needs), I see two people who really want to be with each other but didn’t do anything because of outside circumstances. Maybe she kept her distance from you before mainly because you were in a relationship and she didn’t want to play the role of the office floozy, who’d hungrily pick off all the taken men, one by one.
You on the other hand, didn’t want to face the fact that you were attracted to this woman and felt the only way to keep her without losing your then girlfriend, was to keep her at bay as your "female confidante."
But like I said, who are you guys kidding?
Don’t be too coy with your feelings for her because if you overplay the "best friend" angle, you just might cross that very thin line between being a friend and being a romantic prospect. Once you cement your place on the friendship side, you will have zero chances with her. She will find the thought of getting it on with you, gross, because by that time, she would only see you as a brother — and unless she’s into incest, that would definitely qualify as gross.
Let her know how you feel about her, even if it means risking your so-called "friendship," because by virtue of your true feelings for her, there is no friendship to begin with. If you reveal the real you, then she just might reveal the real her. And if that entails getting together, then good for you both.
But if the revelation turns out that she doesn’t like you in a romantic way, then you just turned a little wiser by being decent enough to be a real friend.
You can’t call yourself a true friend if you harbor romantic feelings for her. If you do that, you’re not a friend, you’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’d be like a guy who pretended he was gay just to be close to the ladies. The truth can be a scary thing, but there is no arguing with the truth.
If you love her, then that’s that — there’s no crime committed. What is a crime, is loving someone so much, when she let you in so close to her, and she knows nothing about it.
DELAMAR SAYS… I’m not known for being a great romantic. I remain cynical about love after all these years. I’m sure that love works for some people. But I think for most it doesn’t. I don’t know if that’s cynical or just realistic or both. So, this advice will probably be a little off coming from me. Just the same, here it goes: GO FOR GOLD!
I happen to believe that with love as in with most other important things in life you just have to go all out for it. The question is not just whether she loves you in return.
What does it matter? There is love in your heart and you just cannot help but sing! I know that it will break your heart if it turns out that the love you offer her cannot be returned but you’ve got to take a risk and just vie for her heart. If you lose, you break your heart. But if you win, you win the whole house, you win the jackpot. Isn’t that worth the risk? In any case, what is the other option here?
Let her go on without knowing how you feel? Or, you go on with your life keeping your love quiet? And so what, what if she doesn’t return your feelings? At least you know. At least she knows. At least you won’t look back at this moment in your life and feel regret or worse not know and forever wonder if it could have been. Besides it’s not like you just rushed into this.
Your feelings have had the benefit of time. Your heart has visited many others and inevitably led you back to her. Does this mean she feels the same? No. Is there a chance your heart will be broken? Yes. Should you take the chance anyway?
My opinion? Absolutely! Especially if this love you feel is true.
This much I can testify to: Love is not for cowards. Only the brave partake of its glory. That’s the only way I can see it.

4/13/05

[Cat]

Dear Chico and Delamar…I have been thinking for a quite long time whether to write and hear your opinions about my life. I have this huge problem. I can say that my relationship is not normal since we are both guys. I’m the homosexual here.
I’ve always had an affection for guys. But I never did tell my crushes that I like them and adore them so much. Maybe, it was just part of my gay feelings. The thing is, I behave as if I am Maria Clara.
You can imagine how hard it is to hide feelings for a person you like. The first real love I felt was during my junior year. This was when a student transferred to our school in Tarlac from Manila, but he really has a family in Tarlac.
He was the most modest, silent, kindest and the most handsome guy. In fact, we were in the same class. I really don’t know why we became friends. It’s just that one day we talked, and we ended up becoming best friends.
It wasn’t long until I started to fall for him. As usual, I couldn’t tell him that. I was so afraid of how he’d react once he knew.
One day, people started to talk about our friendship. I felt terrible because I thought he’d let go of me and shun me. To make things better, I did the first move by giving him a letter saying I’m freeing him from our friendship. He got mad at the people who had the wrong impression about us. Since it was hard for him I had to pretend that I abhorred him to make the situation acceptable, and so he stopped.
It was depressing, my nights were always sad. But after a year, we became close again. We were in fourth year then, and we went back to the usual things that we did. But my feelings for him were still inside my heart. I never got to tell him, and graduation came and he left for Manila to pursue college while I stayed here in Tarlac.
When we met again I told him how I felt. He was so shocked. I said if he did not like what I told him he could beat me up and leave. He said that he would not do that. He asked me through text if I ever wanted a boyfriend in my life. He said if I wanted to why not him. He said he didn’t want me to end up with some other guy that might just fool me or beat me. I answered ok and so we began our relationship and we are now on our 3rd month and growing strong.
I have cleared all the things with us. I have told him that I cannot stop him from getting involved with girls. I have accepted the fact that we are both guys and there are things that I cannot give. The only thing I am asking is that he never ever tell me about girls.
One time, we met some of his friends who all had their female dates. And yes, his friends didn’t know that we were in a relationship. I wanted to just disappear when a friend of him asked, "Where is your girlfriend?"
My mood was ruined. He asked me if I was ok but I told him no. I told him I was not deaf not to hear about his girlfriend. I decided to end our relationship. He refused. He didn’t want me to leave him. I told him I’m the one who is feeling hard about our predicament.
He has already admitted to me that he has a girlfriend, but he said that I am so different from other gays (he hasn’t yet been in a relationship with gays, only me), his girlfriend, or even his past girlfriends. He said I was so special and since he knows me so deeply he is so secure that I am not going to wrong him.
The only thing I hold about our relationship is his promise. He has promised me he will never leave me. I want to believe him because I feel he’s so true and I love him to death. I also promised him I can only have one man in my life to love and that’s him. And I believe I cannot let him just leave my life. I cannot accept that.
Please tell me what you can say about my relationship with him. I am so sorry if I have made you a bit disturbed, probably because of my wrong grammar and my story. I desperately need opinions. The only thing I can assure you is that all of these are certifiably true. If I can only personally talk to you, I would be glad to do it. But maybe this letter will do.
Thanks,
LEO - MGNP
CHICO SAYS…In the end, you will only be as happy as you convince yourself to be. Is this guy the love of your life? Maybe. Are you willing to do anything just to be with him for the rest of your life? Maybe. Is he worth all this sacrifice and devotion? Only time will tell.
Forgive my honesty, but you strike me as a very naive person. You’re good-hearted and well-meaning, but quite naive when it comes to relationships. You’re self-esteem is alarmingly low, and therefore you’re willing to hurt yourself just for the sake of this guy. You once shooed him away to protect him from idle talk, even if your heart screamed out for him. And now you agree to be in a relationship with him even if he has girlfriends on the side. It hurts you to know this, but you stay anyway.
What troubles me is that you don’t seem to think you deserve better treatment than this.You deserve to be in a monogamous relationship where both partners are loyal to each other. But since you probably see yourself unworthy to demand such basic requirements as fidelity, you convince yourself that you’re okay with him being with other girls as long as you know nothing about it.
The fact that he still has girls on the side means he’s hopelessly straight and therefore will be unable to remain loyal to you. I think that’s a very common mistake for gay men to make — to fall for straight men who could never reciprocate their feelings even if they wanted to. He wants you there for many reasons — either he’s just using you for money, or he’s genuinely fond of you as a friend and he probably doesn’t get that kind of devotion from any other girl. But is this the life that you want? Are you happy with being the side dish or the spare tire?
Whatever you do, however close you become, he will always prefer girls over you. He may enjoy the overflowing adoration he gets from you, but the flow is always one-sided. Wouldn’t you want to be with someone who loves you for you and not for what you do for him? Wouldn’t you want to find a man who will love you not just personality-wise, but also physically? People will treat you only with as much dignity as you demand it from them. If you act like a doormat, don’t be surprised if people start walking all over you.
Dignity is not a luxury, it’s a basic right. Humanity demands dignity, no matter what sexual preference, race, religion, or financial status you may have. You’re special and important and you have to be treated as such. Don’t let your feelings or any man treat you otherwise.
DELAMAR SAYS…It really sounds like you really have it for this guy. It seems you have fallen for him hook, line and sinker. However, if you don’t want to be a miserable martyr then don’t let him or any man treat you like you don’t deserve the best out of him and this relationship. To say that you’re okay if he sleeps with other women or that it’s okay that you’re his hidden secret and that you’re the number 2 in his life, is the surest way to attract heartaches. It’s like you’ve called out to pain to come and get you.
Because if you say it’s okay then he will do it. As a matter of fact he already has a girlfriend, right? Doesn’t that hurt? Doesn’t that just make you feel like your heart is being squeezed? If it does hurt then why did you say it’s okay? I don’t get that.
I understand that you want him to prove you wrong and do the exact opposite of what you said. However, the danger in doing that is that sometimes the other person doesn’t know that that’s what you want. And there you are in a huge mess and hurting like you are now. You got hurt when his friends asked him where his girlfriend is. You knew that he had one. You told him it was okay. You asked for less than what you deserved and look how miserable it’s making you.
This is what I have to say about this relationship or any that might be in store for you in the future: Ask for what you think you deserve and what you are in return willing to give your partner. If you can promise him faithfulness, then ask for faithfulness from him. If you can shout to high heavens that this is the man you love, then ask that your partner acknowledge you to his friends and family. If you can promise him you will never betray him, and then ask him to never betray you. In other words, a fulfilling and healthy relationship is one where you both look out for each other’s feelings.
Don’t settle for a lopsided relationship where one gets the better end of the stick while the other one is left miserable. How do you expect to make your partner happy when you are miserable, right?
My advice is this: Always be on the level with your partner. Tell him as plainly and as honestly as you can what you want without being demanding. Let him know that you have feelings too. Don’t act like the coy Filipina who says one thing but expects another because men are not mind readers. If you insist on acting like that you will find yourself very much hurt and the worst thing about it is that you are responsible for your own pain because you asked for it. Stand tall and proud. Love bravely. Know your worth. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you deserve any less most especially in love.

4/6/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Greetings to the two of you. I hope you’ll read my problem and give me some advice. Just call me Jairra. I’m a 13-year-old girl and I always listen to your radio station because the songs are just really cool to hear. I always read your section because it gives me more ideas about problems and dealing with them.
My problem started when my friend invited me to his birthday party. Since I haven’t seen him in a while because his family moved, I decided to go. At the party, I sat beside my friend Chard. Some of those invited were not familiar to me so I felt out of place until one guy caught my attention. He was sitting near me. No one introduced me to that guy because I didn’t know even one of his friends except the celebrant. I was already deeply in love with him the moment I saw him. It was like, love at first sight.
After the party, I didn’t see him again but I was really hoping I would. Months passed until I got tired of waiting. In those five months, my friends even my closest friend, Chard, do not like him because at 15, that guy already drinks alcohol and I had heard rumors about him.
The day came that I realized I was not really meant for that guy. It was not easy for me to move on because my grades really came down and one my classmates used to call me "best in literature" but not anymore. After that, I have totally moved on and started the normal life again.
The second time around, I was again in love with this guy named Carl in our school. Carl is 14, intelligent, handsome and kind. I really don’t know if he knew that I have a big crush on him because my friends tease me to him. My friends do not like him. But my love for him increased when he helped me arrange the notebooks that were scattered. I controlled myself from loving him because I don’ want to wait again.
What will I do? I wanted to forget him. I think nobody wants me to be in love because every time I fell in love with a guy, my friends say something bad about that guy and for me, it really hurts to hear those discriminations about the guy you love. I know this is just something like a puppy love and I know I am too young to fall in love but I wanted it that way because when I fall in love, I make that guy my inspiration in achieving high grades in school. I hope you will tell me some advice about my situation. Thanks so much and I hope you’ll keep on helping people’s problems by giving them some advices. - Jairra
CHICO SAYS... I see you as a fresh new piece of white paper, still clear and unsullied by jadedness brought about by "traumantic experiences" — romantic experiences marred by trauma.
I don’t want to jump the gun and freak you out by saying that you’ve barely started and what you’re experiencing right now is not even a hint of the emotional juggernaut that faces you when your biological clock starts ticking, when your prospects start getting dimmer by the birthday, and when the stakes are much, MUCH higher. These truths shouldn’t really be neatly laid out for you to peruse; these were meant to be violently experienced.
Basically what I’m trying to say is, don’t take these things too seriously just yet — you’ll have years and years ahead of you to labor over these romantic concerns of yours. This time in your life is meant to be enjoyed. This is the time when you meet people, learn how you are with them, and how they are with you.
Don’t be afraid to let people into your life, and don’t be too fearful of getting your heart broken because this is an exercise that will serve your heart better in the long run. Don’t fret, your emotional bones are still young — they can still take the repeated beatings.
As far as boys are concerned, lighten up. Trust me, you will still meet "The One" a thousand more times through high school, college, work, church, and wherever else you find yourself in the future.
It’s okay to fall in love with as many boys as you want, as long as you understand that they have every right NOT to return your feelings. This is the first rule you need to learn. Most likely, a good chunk of the objects of your affection will not feel the same way about you. Just as there will be boys who will like you, but with whom you would not want to have anything to do.
As for the people who say awful things about the cute boys you like? It’s called competition, sweetie. Either they want him for themselves, or if they can’t have him, then they’ll do what they can to make sure no one does.
As for whether or not you’ll find true love, leave that for the future to reveal. However hard you try to find love, if it remains elusive, there really isn’t much you can do.
But if one day it comes knocking, no matter how hard you try and hide, it’ll simply break down the door until it engulfs you completely. That’s just a fancy way of saying, you have as much chances of finding love tomorrow that’ll last an eternity, as you do living as a lonesome spinster till your dying day, with dozens of fat cats as your only source of warmth and company. Good luck.
DELAMAR SAYS... I can tell you really like this guy. And there is nothing wrong with liking a guy when you’re young. It’s just natural that you become more interested in boys at this age.
But I think that your friends are just worried that your feelings for this guy will not be good for you and your studies. I mean, it did happen before that when you liked a guy it had a bad effect on your grades. So, I suppose, your friends just don’t want to see that happen again.
It’s probably not true that they’re saying bad things about this guy you like just because they want to hurt you. I don’t think that’s the case. It’s possible that they think you can’t handle being in love based on how you acted the last time you were in the same situation. Now, it is also possible that there is some truth to what they’re saying about him.
I’m not saying that the guy you like is awful. I’m not saying that. I’m saying that it is POSSIBLE that there might be some negative stuff that you don’t see precisely because you have feelings for him. You know what they say, right? Love is blind. And that is never more true than when you’re so infatuated with someone that you only see their good side and never the bad.
I guess what I want to tell you is that:
1.) Don’t think that you’re friends are out to hurt you when they say bad things about your crush. Maybe they see something that you just can’t see because you likehim.
2.) If you’re really getting hurt by what they’re saying, then tell them. Maybe it will stop them. Maybe it won’t. But at least you told them what’s on your mind. I just don’t want you feeling hurt by what they’re doing but you never gave them fair warningthat you don’t like it.
3.) If you want people around you to be happy for you when you like some guy, make sure that you know how to handle it. It’s just logical that they won’t encourage you to be in a relationship if they know you can’t handle it or if they know that the minute something goes wrong then you’ll grades will drop. If they see you’re happy or if they see that even with fights you can still handle it, I doubt that they will begrudge you of that happiness.
So a big part of it has a lot to do with you and how you handle yourself in relationships. If you can handle it, then I’m sure they will have no objection to any guy you’ll end up liking.
I think you’re lucky because you have friends who are concerned about you and your welfare. Learn to talk to them. Learn to understand why they are doing what they’re doing. Then maybe tell them what’s on your mind or how it’s affecting you. Maybe the friendship will grow deeper.
As for liking boys well, let me just remind you: THEY ARE JUST BOYS. Even if they don’t end up liking you, you won’t die. I promise. It’ll hurt, yes. But it won’t kill you. So, if this guy doesn’t return your feelings, so what? It doesn’t mean you’re awful. It just means you haven’t found you’re match.
And it isn’t the end of the world. Don’t let your studies get affected. Don’t let a guy ruin your life. Make sure that with or without a boyfriend you get a good education because that’s important. Make sure that with or without a boyfriend you have ambition because that will take you places. And make sure that with or without a boyfriend you don’t think any less of yourself because the good kind of love always starts from within.
I think there is a promise of you becoming a great woman, just don’t let a guy get in the way of that, okay?

3/31/05

[Cat]

Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... I’m 22 years old,working in a private company here in Mandaluyong. Here is my biggest test (maybe) in life and love. Before I met Che-che, I used to manage two girls at a time, but when I met her I told myself that I have to change.
I met her on the net. She was in California at that time, and she told me that she would be coming to the Philippines. For two days I courted her on the web, and then she suddenly called me at home to inform me that she was here. I was shocked because I thought she was only joking, but then she told me to meet her in Glorietta, so I hurried to see her.
She was beautiful and sexy. We started to get to know each other again like we did on the net, and then she invited me to her condominium in Ayala.
Something happened between us at that time, and as we laid in bed she told me something she didn’t say on the chatline: That she was married but separated from an American and that she has a daughter.
I was shocked and embarrased because I think I love her. Days passed and my feelings for her grew stronger, and I know she felt the same because she was always happy when she was with me, especially since we met twice a week. But one time when we were together she told me to avoid her, that I wouldn’t get anything out of the relationship because of her status. That’s when I started having problems with her because she stopped calling me and even rejected my calls.
Before she left for the US to file for divorce she told me: "Wait for me, maybe we can be together."
Days passed, we would still communicate. She said she really loves me as much as I love her and she would be back.
She is my new world and my everything but when she left I also wondered whether she would be indeed coming back. Do you think she deserves to be my destiny? Do you believe in destiny? Do you think she is telling the truth that she will come back for me, do I have to wait? Do I have to believe her? These are the things that are really bothering me. I need your help, thank you so much! - Erwin
CHICO SAYS… Well, I see two possible reasons why she is suddenly acting strangely aloof.
One is the obvious one, which is — she changed her mind and immediately wants out of a burgeoning relationship with you. Maybe your time together was enough for her to figure out that it wasn’t going to work out. Maybe her speech about you not benefitting anything from this relationship was just a bone thrown to a very hungry dog.
But on the other hand, maybe she’s doing all this to test your resolve, or to see how serious you are about her. Maybe she’s giving you a hard time to see just how hard you’ll fight for her. Remember, she’s a single mom. And with many single moms, she just wants to know how far you’re willing to take this. Are you just staying for the weekend? A couple of years? Or is this for good?
Maybe she needs a LOT of reassurances on your part because it’s not just her life she’s putting on the line here, but her daughter’s as well. Plus, a lot of women have this insecurity about their status as single moms. As you can see, she withheld that vital piece of information AFTER you did the deed, just to make sure she’s got some money in the bank before she makes a withdrawal.
Maybe she’s saying you got the raw end of the deal to see if you’ll disagree and prove her wrong. She could be waiting for you to tell her how her having a daughter is no big deal and that you are the luckiest guy in the world for having the privilege of knowing her! Okay, maybe not that effusive, but you get the picture.
As to whether or not she will return, only her knocking on your door will tell. If you love her as much as you say you do, then keep pushing till she relents. Maybe she’s just waiting for you to convince her that you love her, daughter and American ex-husband and all, before she jumps into your arms and into the sunset of a blissful, longterm relationship. Or maybe you’ll never see her again. We’ll see...
DELAMAR SAYS… Forget destiny. Please. If there’s a choice between common sense and destiny, my advice is to choose common sense every day of the week and maybe even twice on Sundays. Destiny is an amazing concept. It can drive otherwise ordinary men to take their place in our history books as irreplaceable icons. But for your situation, I think the concept of destiny is immaterial.
The facts are: This woman is married, she has a daughter, she lives in the U.S. and she explicitly tells you that "maybe" you can be together. Just taking all that in mind, I would say this woman is probably not being totally truthful to you.
First of all, would a woman in her right mind spend several hundreds of dollars for a plane ticket back to Manila for a guy she just met 2 days before? Think about it. Can you really be sure she was in California when you chatted the first time with her? Did she really go back to the U.S.? While we’re at it, does she really have a fiancé and a daughter?
I think this woman isn’t being totally honest with you. I think that her story and the circumstances of your meeting are highly suspect. I don’t think I would even really know up to what extent you can and cannot trust what she says. Can you even verify if she’s really telling you the truth? I mean, you met her in cyberspace. Anyone can make up stories on the Internet. Until you meet any of her friends, family and/or relatives who can attest that she really is who she says she is, there is absolutely no way that you can ever verify her story. It’s very romantic of course to trust your heart to a stranger ­ but is it wise?
But, just for the sake of argument, let’s say everything she told you is real and that she just went back to the States to get a divorce and then "maybe" you can be together. The facts still remain: She is married, she has a daughter, and she lives in the U.S. She is not available. If she is telling you the whole truth, then you are coming between a man and his wife. She is committing adultery with you. And you are helping destroy a marriage and family. And just a little warning — married women love to have adventures with a return ticket in their backpacks.
Push comes to shove most married women choose their families over their affairs. Some of them just want to feel wanted, loved and desired by men other than their husbands maybe because they feel neglected. Maybe they just want to test if they still have it in them to make men fall in love. Maybe they just want to get even. Who knows!
The bottom line here is that you are involved with a married woman who at best can promise you a "maybe". This is a woman who has an affair instead of dealing with problems in her marriage. What happens if she has problems with her relationship with you?
My opinion? I think this woman is flaky. Her story is flaky. My gut feel is that she’s making this whole story up with the husband and daughter. And even if she really is who she says she is my advice will still be the same — RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! It’s either she’s playing games with you or she’s a woman who can’t be faithful to her marital vows. Any which way she’s trouble.

4/27/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR…I have a sweetheart who is a lesbian. This may sound weird but I love her so much.We have a six-year relationship and are living under one roof. We promised each other that no one could break our relationship. But now I am wondering because she has connections with another girl who is her co-worker. But she tells me she doesn’t love this girl, but only as a past time. But still, I get jealous. And everytime we fight, she runs to that other girl. How do I tell her to get away from this girl so that our relationship will not be affected? Does she love me or I am the one she is playing? What should I do? Please help me. I love her very much — Cris



CHICO SAYS… A lesbian relationship does not have the stamp of approval of many people, therefore it is far from having the established guidelines of its heterosexual counterpart.

But just because gay marriage is not recognized by both church and state, it doesn’t mean that gay people in relationships are no longer bound by the same rules of fidelity.

If you and your girlfriend are in an exclusive relationship, then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that that entails sticking only to each other and no spare girls on the side. It doesn’t even take a marriage to bind a person to another. Ask any high school sweethearts and they’ll tell you that each one does not have the liberty to date or see other people — that’s the entire point of even having a relationship.

Unless you have one of those hippy "open relationships" wherein both parties agree that exclusivity is not part of the contract, I suggest you put your foot down and demand that she stop seeing other girls completely. In case the parameters were not clearly set, now is the time to pronounce those boundaries.

Sit yourselves down and tell each other your expectationsof the relationship. Tell her what you expect of her and she will do the same for you. If you cannot tolerate her seeing other girls, then insist on it, there’s nothing wrong there.

You just need to see if you’re on the same boat. If she tells you that she doesn’t want to stop the ways she has gotten used to, then you make your decision of whether or not you can live with that. Love is a two-way street. You can make as many detours, but you have to make sure you still get to your destination.


DELAMAR SAYS… If you have an exclusive relationship with this girl and you’ve been going out for six years and you have plans for the future together, I don’t understand what she’s doing having sexual relations with another woman.

Being a lesbian hardly has anything to do with anything. You’re a couple and she’s being unfaithful to you. Even if your partner was a man and he had sex with another girl you’d feel jealous, too. Anyone would be hurt as much if their partner was cheating on them.

People take a walk in the park, or watch TV, or go window shopping to pass the time. They don’t sleep with their co-worker. So, you have every right to feel bad about this.

It doesn’t matter that she’s just doing this to pass the time as she says. I mean, is that supposed to hurt less if she’s doing it out of boredom than out of lust or love? I don’t think so. They don’t sleep with their co-worker.

Cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating. Whatever the reasons, justifications, or alibis people use it is still cheating.

I don’t know what’s really going on in your relationship. I’m sure there are problems that’s why your girlfriend looks to another. Having said that, I don’t think it still excuses her actions. When people have problems in their relationships, the idea is to sit down and talk it over and try to find a solution together. Going to a third party hardly helps. It just serves to make things worse than it makes it better.

Worst of all, there will be no finding a solution to your original problems because the infidelity becomes another problem, a bigger problem. I don’t know if your girlfriend still loves you. The minute you have to ask someone else if your partner loves you, the answer is probably no because you don’t feel it yourself.

The way she’s been acting, it doesn’t show that she does. But being with someone for 6 years is a long time. You don’t just end relationships without really knowing what’s happened, why it’s happening and is there anything to be done about it.

So, my advice is still to have a talk with her. Tell her how much what she’s doing is hurting you. Tell her what you expect, what you want and what you’re willing to give to your relationship to save it. Tell her that her philandering is jeopardizing your future plans together because you’re not so sure that you both still love each other in the same way. Let her say her piece and then you both decide what to do about your relationship.

5/4/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELLE... Hi you guys! I’m a Filipino from Chicago, Illinois.
Well, I was looking through the med board results a while ago and happened to read "How to break an angel’s heart." I thought of writing you guys just to get somebody else’s opinion on something, if it’s ok. This doesn’t have to be in your column.
Well, I met this guy, a Filipino too, spring break of last year, March, in New York. We started talking when I got back to Chicago.
Then I came back to New York during the summer to see him. It all went well. I got back in Chicago before school started.
Everything was fine until the second week of January. We were on the phone dicussing stuff and it seemed like something was bothering him or something was eating him up because he’s always mad at something, gets drunk even if he knows he got work the next day and stuff like that.
Then we argued and he blurted out "Mag-cool off na nga muna tayo." I was asking for explanations but he kept on saying "It’s not you, it’s me…I’m doing this not because I wanna cheat or meet somebody else"
He called me two days ago and said that he loves me and all those mushy stuff, and he said he just wanna get things done because he doesn’t want stuff to get in the way of our relationship.
The fact that he moved to the city with no job at all is a big factor. He’s from Long Island, New York and just moved to Manhattan. He wants to get into a different school since driving from Manhattan to Long Island would take time.
I also got a text message from him saying "Hi baby, well, sorry I’m not ready yet, I appreciate your patience a lot..please pray for me to get all my priorities done so we can straighten things up. Miss you already, hope we could go back to our normal life, love you!"
Then he sent a second message a week after: "Thank you baby for your patience and everything, it wont be a long wait for us anymore. hang on and we’ll get through this soon. I miss you"
I didn’t do anything, he constantly complains about me being selosa. But I know you guys would agree that all women are.
A friend told me he seems sincere so wait and see.
I don’t wanna make mistakes in my decisions because it took me 3 years to get into a relationship again after I was cheated.
Guys, I want an honest advice please. Thank you, hope to hear from you. God bless!
CHICO SAYS... Hmmm...I don’t exactly know what you’re asking of us since you didn’t really tell us what you’re problem is.
I’m just guessing that you’re having a hard time with this "kinda boyfriend" of yours and you’re not sure if you should hang on. Your whole relationship is such a mystery to me — you’re states apart, you haven’t seem to have spent a lot of time together, you hardly see each other, yet you two seem to be neck-deep serious into a relationship. I don’t know how you were able to pull this rabbit of a relationship from out of a hat, but if you say so, then I’ll take your word for it.
You hardly gave any details on what’s going on with him. I don’t know why he wants to cool off, I don’t know what priorities he’s trying to juggle, I don’t know what exactly it is he’s waiting to happen before you can finally get together, and I don’t really know where exactly it is you want to take this relationship.
Just based on what you wrote us, all I can suggest is for you to be extra keen regarding this guy’s intentions. I agree with your friend to stick it out in case he’s sincere, but only IF he is sincere.
Because he can very well be leading you on a wild goose chase, keeping you on a leash until he’s ready to deal with you. If you’ve got the time and the heart for it, then stick it out for as long as you can stomach it. But once you smell a rat, or if you simply get tired of his shtick, then move on, travel light, and lose the excess baggage.
DELAMAR SAYS... Yup, it sounds a lot like he’s not ready. But that isn’t where the real story is. It’s no mystery that most men take their time having fun before they’re ready to settle down with one woman for the rest of their lives.
It’s the concept of "one woman for the rest of their lives" that they need time getting ready for. They need time to play and sow their wild oats before they can say "I Do" to any woman.
The real story here is what does he mean by "not ready." And not ready for what? a serious relationship with you? getting married? monogamy? What?
If he’s not ready to get married but is ready for a committed relationship with you, that’s okay, I suppose. There’s no real hurry to get married at this stage in your relationship.
The problem is if what he means by not ready is he’s not ready for a monogamous relationship with you. It just means he wants to still play around while you wait for him to get serious and ready with you. I don’t know if that sits well with you but you better make sure you understand what he exactly means by him being "not ready." I don’t want to feed you with scenarios that would just make you paranoid but you do have to make sure you understand what’s going on in your relationship.
He’s saying he needs time to straighten his priorities, well and good. But what priorities is he talking about? And find out how having a relationship with you is messing up his priorities. You need to know this because you need to know and understand where you stand in his life and then decide where he stands in yours. Get what I mean? Being vague at this point doesn’t help you understand your role and what is being asked of you in this relationship. In the vernacular you need to know "kung saan ka lulugar." Will you wait for this sincere guy who’s just getting his life sorted out or are you dealing with a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too? Let’s face it you need to find out if he’s the real deal or if he’s just playing you.
Waiting for the real deal to get ready is a lot better than waiting for a guy who’s just playing you.
You better have a heart to heart talk with your guy. Make sure he understands that you’re not just badgering him but that you just want to understand what’s going on in the relationship and with him. No fights and no arguments, just plain conversation that will lead to a mutual understanding of what you expect from each other.
Then if he’s clearly explained everything and you’re amenable to "waiting for him," back off and give him the space he needs if that’s what he says he needs. The good thing is that time will ultimately tell if he’s Mr. Right or he’s Mr. Right Now (or maybe Mr. Not Even!). All you have to do is wait and see.you sound young. You sound like you still have the luxury to be able to do just that.

3/9/05

[Cat]

Dear Chico and Delle... I value both of you because of the advice the two of you give. Your column has helped me a lot. Now, it’s my turn to write you because of a problem that I never thought would one day come my way.
I’ve been a widow for almost six years now. My husband left me with two kids. Since he died, I never had an affair with another man. I have been content with raising and taking care of my two children. Now, I’m 31. I have suitors, too, but I never thought someone so unexpected would capture my heart.
I am new in the music industry. I’m a songwriter and talent manager at the same time. Most of my songs, I give to my singer whom we’ll just call "Mike." He’s the eldest son of a close friend of mine. He’s only 23. Because of having the same interest, we’ve been close even before.
But because we’ve been together too often these past few days, we came to a point of rediscovering ourselves. We just realized one day that we were both singing the same song. We fell in love and I don’t know why.
I began to have sleepless nights because I began to worry about the situation. I worry about our age gap. I’m afraid that one day, he might find someone of his age who might captivate him. Then, he might realize that what he felt for me wasn’t love at all.
I worry about he fact that I’m a widow and that he, on the other hand, is a bachelor.
As a rising star, I’m afraid it might have a bad effect on his career if our relationship might be known to the public. I also think about the very beautiful relationship I have with his mother and his whole family. Should they know about this affair, they might lose their respect and trust for me.
Of course, I’ve already discussed this with Mike, but he seems unaffected. He’s the one who’s persistent to let his mother know about what’s going on between us but I wouldn’t allow him.
And yet, our interest in music keeps on drawing and drawing us closer together. I know I love him but everything is confusing me. I don’t know if it is right to love him or if it would be better to draw away from him. I’m suffering and I can see that he is too.
Help me guys, I don’t know what step to take. Thanks a lot! -Hersheys
CHICO SAYS... For me, the only thing that’s coming between you two is eight measly years. Had you been a man and Mike a woman, no one would even notice the age gap.
The only two things that might cause some discomfort for some people is the fact that his mom is your friend and that you being his manager might get some tongues wagging.
But when you think about it, there’s nothing wrong with wives being their husband’s manager — Gary Valenciano is one example, so it’s not as big a deal, really.
As for his mom, maybe it’ll cause a little queasiness at first, but once they see the urgency of the emotions you two have for each other, and once she sees that you’re not taking advantage of her son, I’m sure she’ll find a way of dealing with it. After all, you only need her blessing, not her permission.
Besides, I presume that she’s much older than you, since even if let’s say she gave birth at 20, she’d still be in her early 40’s by now. So it’s not like you got it on with a son of a friend your age.
And speaking about the trust they invested in you, I see no betrayal here. Take away the emotions, you two falling in love shows no deviousness on your part. You can still carry out your duties both as manager and as girlfriend.
As for the public stigma, well, there is such a thing as discretion. I’m sure eventually it will leak out, but let there be no shame about your relationship because you’re not doing anything wrong! Withholding information is different from outright lying. It would be worse if you marketed him as something he is not. When the truth leaks out, you’ll both come out very sleazy and deceitful.
If he has any real talent, let that speak for his career, rather than his personal life. Don’t stress out too much. If what you both feel is the real thing, it will weather any obstacle that society might throw in its path. If you both treat your relationship as the beautiful thing that it is, then eventually the people around you will soon learn to see it the same way. Let there be no shame in true love that hurts no one.
DELAMAR SAYS... Seven years of age difference isn’t all that much really. Some people have more years apart than that and still manage to hold down a working relationship.
But what makes your situation unique and difficult is that one, you’re his manager and two, he is at an age that he’s just getting to know the "field" and you’re at the stage when you’ve seen and probably played the field and want to settle down. In simple terms, I don’t know that you both want the same thing at this moment in time. You might not be on the same page.
Remember, you’ve been married and had kids. I don’t think you’re just in relationships for the fun of it. You might be looking ahead and really thinking of getting settled. But your boyfriend might be on a totally different plane. He is only 23. He will want to go around the block once, twice or more. If he is a singer and stardom might be in the offing, then for sure his world will get bigger and there will more opportunities that will open to him and who knows where that will take him. And definitely, the love you might share for now will get affected. You also will have to consider if what you feel for each other is only a consequence of you working so closely together.
Can your feelings for each other survive if the work didn’t bring you together? It happens so often that managers and talents or people forced to work so closely together form some attraction and attachment to each other only to realize that take that environment away and you have nothing in common.
So, you are right to think things through. You fears are understandable and reasonable. And you being the older and more experienced one, you’ll have to set the pace of the relationship.
My advice is this: Just go about your relationship as you have but keep in mind that life is just opening up to him. And that for now, even if he says he loves you and all that, he can change his mind. He is still at the crossing of his life. He can go left; he can go right, up or down. And his decisions, personal or even professional, may or may not include you later on.
I’m not saying that is what will happen. I’m just saying that it will serve you well to brace yourself for any possible outcome. If things turn out in your favor, then well and good. If not, make sure you are somewhat prepared for it. Only time will tell if the love you share is something that can withstand your age gap and the changes that will come from his budding career. Love him but love him realistically. Don’t push him away. If he loves you and you love him and the situation isn’t really demanding a decision out of you, then just carry on as you both have before. I think it’s just your fear talking that’s why you feel like you need to do something when in fact, at this point in time nothing is being asked of you except maybe wait.
Only time will tell. And if he wants to be open about his relationship with you publicly, then so be it. Let him decide. But one thing that I will add is that even after you know what could or may happen; make sure you never leave him in doubt as to what you feel for him. You can tell him what your fears are but don’t leave him with the impression that you don’t love him or that you don’t love him enough. Make sure he knows how much you feel so he knows and then let him decide what to do with it.

3/2/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR, Hi! I’m Elaine and I’m 31 years old. I’ve had a boyfriend for the past seven years now. Our relationships is not always smooth sailing, there are ups and downs, and when I say downs — I mean really DOWN. I had an affair and he had one, too. But always, we found our way back into each other’s arms. We always managed to forget and start and restart on a clean slate.
Two years ago, my boyfriend and I were on a break and it was to be the longest break we would have from each other. It lasted for eight months. Within these eight months, he met a girl and within a few weeks, they were already an item. I was shocked because I thought that we would be back with each other once again, as usual. That time, I think my boyfriend already hated me and likewise, I started hating him. But to realize that he found somebody to replace me still came as a shock.
I swallowed all my pride, talked to him and told him I still love him and that I was willing to start anew, to make our relationship fresh. I told him I was willing to forget everything if he was willing, too. It pained me to swallow my pride but I realized I didn’t want to lose him.
To cut the long story short, we reconciled and things pretty went well. Until I met somebody whom I fell for, learned to love and love with all my heart. Suffice it to say, this guy swept me off my feet. I have never been loved and I have never loved this much. It’s as if we were two old souls who found our way to each other. I feel guilty that I am carrying on with this new guy while I am still very much together with my boyfriend. I promised before that when we got back together, I would cherish my boyfriend and never let him go again. But this love that I am feeling for this new guy is something that I cannot explain. The attraction is simply forceful that I cannot even begin to back out.
My dilemma is this — how do I tell my boyfriend that I do not love him anymore? I do not want it to come from me knowing that I robbed him of the chance to start anew with another girl when I swallowed my pride and begged him to come back. He chose me, for God’s sakes and now, I am dumping him! I know all is fair in love and war, but this guy has been good to me that I do not have the heart to break his heart. No Chico and Delamar, do not tell me to tell it to him straight because I just can’t. I could take suffering silently, or shuttling between boyfriends, but what I cannot do is to hurt him and be told that had I not been selfish, he would have moved on a long long time ago.
How do I deal with this problem??? I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. I am acting differently and wishing that he noticed and that he break off with me. But to no avail. What’s more, he is much sweeter than ever. How do I break an angel’s heart? — Elaine
CHICO SAYS… To break an angel’s heart, be the devilwoman from hell —if that’s what it takes.
It’s funny how you claim that you don’t want to hurt him, yet you’ll do that which will eventually hurt him a hundred-fold more, just to spare yourself from being called a witch with a capital B.
Trust me, the reason you don’t want to tell him straight up, is not because you want to save him from all the pain —because given the situation, telling him IS the most humane thing you can do for him. The real reason you can’t tell the poor guy is that you don’t have the figurative balls to present to him the incontrovertible truth, which is you are doing unto him exactly that which you asked him not to do unto you.
You’re not sparing him, you’re sparing yourself. You don’t want to be called selfish, but that is sadly what you are being by withholding this crucial information from him. You don’t want to hear it, because you know that that is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You’re like a child screaming, "Don’t spank me! Don’t spank me!" precisely because you know you’re likely going to get it and that you most probably deserve it.
Not telling him is not kindness, it’s cruelty. True, all is fair in love and war, but even in war, there are rules you abide by. Behaving badly to get him to break up with you first is a ghastly and cowardly way to handle this.
Have some self-respect and some compassion for this guy. Instead of just calling him an angel, start treating him like one. Let him vent his righteous anger upon you because that is all he has right now. You’ve got your newfound love to run to, he has no one. At the very least, give him the right to see you squirm with guilt as he unleashes hell. Trust me, he deserves that much.
Take it as payback for your freedom, an initiation, a graduation. And hopefully the scars you’ll take from that emotional scourging will leave you a little wiser, a little more human, and a little more respectful of other people’s feelings. It’s not your fault that you fell in love with someone else, but it will be a crime of fierce enormity if you hurt him any more than you already have. The pain of truth is nothing compared to the agony of deceit. Do the right thing.
DELAMAR SAYS… Don’t think you’re being kind not telling him straight that you have fallen in love with someone else. Shuttling between two boyfriends will not lessen the pain that he will feel knowing that not only have you fallen for another man but that you deceived him by carrying on the affair. The bottom line here is that you’re still cheating on him behind his back.
There is deception and you’re just avoiding responsibility for breaking his heart. I don’t really know how you plan to go on carrying like this. It isn’t fair to either of the two men you’re with. It’s not fair to your boyfriend for obvious reasons. And it’s not fair for the man you say you love because you won’t stand up for your love.
Just when do you think is the proper time to finally admit that you are playing the role of the hurter rather than the hurt-ee? When will it be kinder to tell your boyfriend that you’re in love with another? When he’s proposing marriage? When he’s already put in more years in to this relationship? Think about it.
If you are convinced that this second guy really is the one for you then you better make up your mind and do what you have to do. It doesn’t do your boyfriend any favor being in a relationship with a woman who is no longer in love with him. While his love is probably deepening as you said he’s sweeter nowadays, you’re love for someone else is growing as well. Imagine how betrayed he will feel.
Yes, I’m sure if you tell him now he will feel betrayed already but knowing that you’ve been played and that you were played for a long time will hurt him even more. If you’re sure that guy #2 is it for you and there’s no looking back, then you have to deal with guy #1 with honesty and the truth.
And I think after all that you both have been through he deserves to hear it from you. There’s nothing meaner than someone who breaks your heart but haven’t got the guts to take responsibility for it. Short of your boyfriend catching you, your other option is to tell him. Yes, I know you don’t want to do that.
But if you’re mind and heart is made up with the other guy please don’t let the deception drag on more than it needs to. Not only are you escaping culpability you’re also wasting his time by carrying on a relationship that is not going anywhere anymore.

2/23/05

[Cat]

Dear CHICO and DELAMAR... I never miss even a single issue of your column since I started reading it when I was a graduating student in college. I read your column even before I read the headlines of the newspaper! It’s only now that I have the courage to write to you. Here’s my story.
My ex-girlfriend and I are compatible in many aspects. I like what she likes. We are very open with our feelings and needs. I feel that she really loves me. She never forgets to say ‘’I love you’’ and ‘’Take care’’ through text, emails and in person. She does it everyday. She even sacrificed her academic loads just to help me in my subjects. She has even lied to her parents just to see me , or help me, or just to make me happy. Things ran smoothly for one year.
It’s because I love her that I could no longer hide my true identity — I’m bisexual. I didn’t know how I could tell this to my girlfriend and how she would react if she knew it. What I did was, I wrote a letter to my girlfriend and told her the truth.
To my surprise, my girlfriend said that she knew it already even before our relationship. She said she would accept me no matter what provided that I avoid being attracted to males and never be involved in a gay relationship.
But what can I do. It seems I can’t resist my feelings towards guys. I still feel attraction for men. Because of this, I decided to end the relationship and avoid her. But I still love her and she still loves me. But I don’t want her to be hurt.
I really love her. I really want her back. The problem is: Can we still continue our relationship if ever she takes me back? Will our relationship turn into nothing? Do you think our relationship will still work considering the fact thatI’m bisexual?
She’s on my mind every single day. Please advise me. — J
CHICO SAYS… On paper, it’s probably most difficult to be in a relationship with a bisexual. It’s hard enough to have to compete with all the other girls, but can you imagine having to fight with all the other guys as well! Basically, she will have to compete with every single human being on this planet.
Okay, so I’m prone to exaggeration, but I think you get the picture I’m painting. What you’re asking of her is a lot. It’s unfair, actually. You want your cake, eat it too, and have seconds... and thirds.
Try to ask yourself what is it about her that you can’t let go of. Is it really love? Or did you just get used to all the support and attention and other perks you got from her?
Obviously you prefer men more —I say this — because if you truly loved women, once you find the right one, which for all intents and purposes you have, it shouldn’t be as big a problem to look away from temptation. You broke up with her mainly because you couldn’t give up men, because you crave for men more than you do women.
Gut feel tells me that if you eventually meet the right guy and he demands of you the same thing your ex-girlfriend did, which is to swear off women, you’d probably have an easier time complying with it. Your mind is yearning for this girl, but your heart is starving for a man.
If I may be nakedly honest with you, I’d say you’re probably more of a gay man, who wants a shot at a normal life, had a taste of it with a woman, found the relationship nurturing but wanting, left her to chase after a life he truly wants, but is afraid to let go of the comfort zone within the confines of the "normal" heterosexual relationship.
Don’t do this to her. Just because she’s willing to be your (pardon the term) fag hag, it doesn’t mean it’s the best choice for both you and for her. My call would be for you two to let each other go. You two would make perfect partners, but for some other people. Do each other a favor and move on with your own lives.
If I’m wrong and you really love her, then be a man and commit to her, and vow to swear off men for the rest of your life. If you truly love women just as much as you love men, then it’s more than reasonable for her to demand this of you. Straight men are not exempted from this! But if my hunch is correct, then no amount of convincing yourself will make you any less gay than you already are. Search for your inner true sexual preference and base a wise and fair decision depending on what you find.
DELAMAR SAYS…I think there might be some misconception between bisexuality and polygamy here. Just because you are attracted to both genders does not automatically mean that you’re excused from being faithful to one partner. Straight, gay or bisexual, in a conventional relationship people are expected to be faithful to their partners. Being bisexual, if you decide to be in a relationship with a man, the same expectation of fidelity will be asked of you. You can change the gender of your partner but the same rules apply.
When your girlfriend told you she accepts the fact that you’re bisexual but asks that you do not have relations with another man, she is asking you not to act on certain urges you might have because you are already in a committed relationship with her. It’s the same if you were plain straight. Your partner will not really ask you never to be attracted to any other woman heretofore but that you refrain from acting on an attraction you might have for another.
Basically, she’s asking you to commit to the relationship and be faithful to it. She’s asking you not to let any person, man or woman, to come between the two of you. That’s it. It’s plain and simple.
But of course, because of your sexual preference, this becomes a little harder because if you are attracted to both genders, you will have some needs that she might not be able to fulfill precisely because she is female, catch my drift? Unless, you are willing to forego those needs and decide that a heterosexual relationship with your ex-girlfriend is what you want then you better think twice of asking her to take you back.
In my opinion, she has stated her position on this matter. The fact that you’re bisexual doesn’t matter to her as long as you remain faithful just to her and only to her. The question is can you do that? Can you promise her that you will not have sexual relations with anyone else except her? Can you be truly happy and fulfilled with the relationship? Can you ignore or deny your urges that concern men and which she cannot ever fulfill?
I know you’re lonely. Not having her anymore in your life will be quite to deal with as it is in any break up. But you have come to the crossroad of your relationship and your life. You have to ask yourself which way you want to go. You have to ask which life you cannot give up. You have to ask if her demand is something you can willingly give without resentment. You have to ask if you can do that for the rest of your life. You have to ask if you think you can bear the thought and/or afford giving her up for a chance to live a bisexual lifestyle.
These are hard questions to ask and even harder to decide on. But you have to. The happiness of the rest of your life depends on it.

2/16/05

[Cat]

Dear CHICO and DELAMAR...I am 32 years old and I’ve been wanting to write you for ages. I feel the need know your opinions desperately regarding my problems. I feel the need of opinions and/or advices from people who would care to say anything about the things I will write to you. Let’s just put it this way; HELP! ANYONE!
I was just a teenager when my mother left with our driver, my father sold our condominium fraudulently. During that time, my three brothers and I—all of us were illegitimate—were lost. From then on, I started pleading and begging for money from my dad to keep me in school.
My three brothers, who didn’t know what to do, went to live with my mother in the province with the driver, while I stayed with my grandmother here in Manila. They were all sent to school too, but due to financial constraints and the sudden change of life—school was not their priority.
I also worked the minute I turned 18 to help me sustain my needs. When I graduated from college, I was the only one in the world who was so proud of myself. Right after schooling, I went abroad to work as a croupier on a passenger ship based in England, met a guy, and started a family. Right now, even as a stay-at-home-mom, I give money to my mother and brothers.
My problem is with my eldest brother. The driver that my mom eloped with left her years ago when there was no more money for him to get from her—that was the time my mom moved back to Manila and the time when my eldest brother started using illegal drugs.
He has been taking illegal drugs for several years; had children with several women and got clinically depressed. His son with woman number 3 lives with my mother and brothers and is turning 11 years old. My eldest brother was sent into rehab three times and went into a private psychiatric clinic four times. All expenses were shouldered by my dad, but we had to undergo the same pattern of begging, pleading and so much humiliation. Even when I was working abroad, I could not afford to pay for the expenses for my eldest brother because believe me, I shouldered everything, from the tiniest grain of salt, for so very long.
My brother has relapsed over and over again. He blames all his failures, disappointment on our mother, he cannot move on. He swears at our mom, he wishes that our mom were dead. Once, my other brother couldn’t take it anymore and punched our eldest and was ready to kill him. A lot of times, when the eldest is having another episode, our mother just walks out of the house and just sits by the gasoline station till midnight. We are afraid that one day he will kill our mother.
We can’t take it anymore, he terrorizes all of us. This is so unfair. We asked him several times, what is it that my mom should do for him to stop his episodes of anger and hatred so we could live a quiet life, all he said was she would never be absolved. The doctors say he will be cured—I believe he is already ok. The way he acts outside the house, in front of people, is normal except when he enters the house and sees our mother.
It is very easy to resort to hopelessness but I see, hear, read that for every problem there is a solution. What is that solution so that we will all be able to live in peace? I read in one of the life strategy books that ‘’Do only what works.’’ Please tell me what will work. Please give us something, a thought, suggestion, anything. Maybe there is still something out there we could try to do to have some peace. - DESPERATE
CHICO SAYS…Cold as it may sound, I’m afraid this is your brother’s battle with his demons and only he has the power to either turn it around, or to be consumed by it in a ball of fury.
You, as his family, can only do so much. We all have our little crosses to bear, and we can only help carry someone else’s so much. I’m sure you have your own troubles to worry about.
Meanness aside, I find it a bit fitting though that your mom has to bear the brunt of your brother’s wrath. She did what she felt she had to do years ago when she ran off with your driver. So now, she has to eat its bitter fruits. Although your brother can’t put in all on your mother’s head, no one can deny her culpability in the matter. She did not think of how her actions will affect her progeny. She was, to put it simply, selfish, and she followed not her heart nor her brain, but her loins.
Of course I’m not saying that you should let your brother do whatever he wants with you mother, because there is no excuse for violence. I’m just saying that I think you’ve already done what you can for them. You spent your own hard-earned money for them, to the postponement of your own plans, just to keep them afloat. What more can they ask of you?
It’s like you’re all in rough waters — keep them above water if you can — just make sure they don’t pull you down with them. This tragedy has had too many casualties as it is. Look, you and your other siblings went through the same trauma, but you’re not a menace to society like he is. You can only milk childhood crap for so long!
Eventually you will have to stop blaming others and take hold of your own life and take charge of your own destiny. All you can do now really, is to keep going with the professional help, rehab if it’s needed, and loads of therapy to help your brother thresh out issues he obviously cannot handle himself. If you have to beg your father and make a fool of yourself, then keep doing it for as long as you can stomach it for your brother’s sake. But he will also have to help himself at least as much as you are willing to help him — if not more. Throw him a rope. But it’s ultimately up to him if he will pull himself out of this quagmire.
DELAMAR SAYS…Is there a solution to this very complicated problem your family is undergoing? First, let’s dissect the situation.
In the first place, it is not really the whole family’s problem. This is between your mother and your brother. For whatever reason, your eldest brother just cannot "forgive" your mother for destroying the family by running off with the family driver. Maybe your brother wants to punish your mother and blame her for maybe all of his life’s failures. It is possible that he wants to get back at her that’s why he instead of carving a life as far away from your mother as he can, he hasn’t. He still lives with her. Why would you stay with someone you openly hate?
I say that this is between your mom and brother because your mother’s same decision affected all of you but it’s only your brother who cannot move on. He is the only one who got into drugs. He is the only one hung up on the past. He is the only one who is still so very angry with your mother. It was a decision on your part to make your own way in the world and focus on your family. Same way as it is your brother’s decision to obsess about your mother’s shortcomings. This is between the two of them. The only reason why everyone is affected is of course because you’re in the periphery.
The solution is for your brother to deal with the past and decide to clean up his act. That’s the solution. Easier said than done, I know? The thing is this is a decision for your brother to make. He has to see that it really is up to him how much he will let the past destroy his present and his future. The change must happen within him. No amount of coaxing, begging or pleading from the family can "fix" whatever is wrong in his life.
This is his battle and no one can fight it except himself. Bad things happen in life. That’s a fact. But we all try to accept it, make peace with it and see how we can make it work for us and not against us. If we let every bad thing in our lives give us an excuse to make ourselves and each other miserable, then there is no hope for anyone to be happy in this life.
Although we cannot control what happens to us in this life, we can always control how we react and how we will let it affect us. Sounds too much of a "self-helpy" cliché, but that’s the deal. That’s what draws the line between people who will have a chance to enjoy this life and the people who will be miserable all the way to the grave.
Maybe your family can find a way to make sure that your mom and brother live separately. They serve as each other’s souvenir from an ugly past. And as long as they cannot make peace with each other, it might not be a good idea for them to live under one roof. God knows, to what extent their mutual hatred might drive them. So, it might be worth considering having them live apart from each other. It might give everyone some measure of peace. Maybe space and time can give them both proper perspective or at the very least relieve the tension that has everyone on the edge already.
For you, I suggest that you don’t let this family problem eat you up. I understand that because this concerns the family, it is hard not to let it affect you 24 hours of everyday. But just be careful that it doesn’t eat up your attention and time away from your own family. Although you love your mother and your siblings, when push comes to shove, it is your husband and your own children who are your priorities in life now.
Besides, there is only so much you can do to better the situation at hand. Most of what can make it alright is up to your mother and brother

2/9/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR…, Greetings to the two of you. I have long wanted to write to you but it is only now that I find the courage to do so. I don’t know what you can say about my problem, considering that you two are not married and do not have children. But just the same I want to hear what you have to say.
I’m 39 and a father of two teenage girls, 15 and 16 years old. I married early and we have our ups and downs in our marriage. But we have remained together thank God. My problem is my daughters who I would like to be close with as they grow up to be adults.
Not that I am regretting that I don’t have a son whom I dreamt to relate more with. I guess that is natural for a father to long for a son whom he can mold in his image, or whom he can fulfill the things that he was not able to do in his youth. But God gave me two daughters and I am not complaining. It’s just that I see them closer to their mom and there is a sort of wall between us when it comes to relating.
For instance, when we are alone in the house and my wife is out, we couldn’t find anything common to talk about. I know their friends but I feel that if I ask them about their friends, that would be too "girly" to do. Fathers do not ask about the friends of their daughters. Of course we cannot talk about fashion, or boys, or other things that teenage girls are interested in. The most we could share about are movies and their studies but that’s about it. Often thus, they retreat to their room and be by themselves.
I’m the kind of person who is idealistic. I know some fathers manage to build and maintain an open relationship with their daughters. I want to be the same. If they can be open that to their mom, they could also be the same with me. But it is such an effort on my part and I notice, on theirs also, to be so.
I want to be there for them specially now that they are teenagers. I want to know who they date, who their crushes are, who they go out with. I want to know things about them and I want them to trust me.
Chico and Delle, what must I do? I think I have exerted more than enough effort to be close to them. We do not fight and I would like to believe there are no issues between us. I envy some of my friends who have their "daddy’s girls" and I was expecting my daughters to be the same to me but it is not happening. Tell me where to start. Thanks a lot and more power to you both — Ron
CHICO SAYS…When my late father was alive, we hardly talked. I remember only one time in my life when I actually sat down with him and discussed something — it was when I was deciding on which course to take up in college.
We would do stuff together though, like go to the zoo (which I deliriously loved), go bowling, go shopping for comicbooks, but we never talked. Even when we’d do those stuff together, we just sat in the car, quietly, do our activity, without a peep, then go home, without a word exchanged. Yet, he was the singular most important person in my life, the one person I would give up my life for many times over.
I loved him so dearly that when he died, a huge irretrievable part of me died with him. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we can’t measure a love between two people by the amount of time or the type of activity they share. I never told my dad ANYTHING about my personal stuff. He didn’t know who I liked, who I hated; he didn’t know anything about me as far as my personal life was concerned — as in z-e-r-o.
Yet, I would never say that he wasn’t a good father or that he didn’t know me; in fact, he was the best dad as far as I was concerned. So don’t stress out about you not knowing anything about your daughters teenage stuff. Maybe they’re just more comfortable doing that girly stuff with their mom — that’s a mom’s specialty.
You can take care of the dad stuff. Maybe later on they’ll need you to teach them how to drive, or help them choose a course, or ask about how boys really think, or some other thing they’d feel more comfortable going to you for.
Don’t try to dictate how your relationship should be like based on preconceived notions or on how your friends are with their children. As long as you have a healthy, loving, nurturing relationship with them, you have no cause for concern. Trust me, kids will know eventually how much their parents love them. even if they don’t show it, they know it.
Don’t be that kind of dad who forces his kids to bond with them the way they want to be bonded with. There’s no faster way to shoo them away. Let it flow, let them be teenagers who crave time away from the nest and their parents, let them explore this whole new life as new adults, and let them meet the world that you spent all their lives preparing them for.
At this very turbulent time of transition, the best that you could do for them is to set an example of how you feel adults should behave, allow them to experience their own victories and failures, and be there for them when they need a helping hand — an invisible, yet active observer.
Be a friend when they want one, and be a firm mentor when they need one. The mere fact that you’d take time out to write a letter to a newspaper means you’ve got the passion to be a good parent, that you’d do what it takes to do the job right. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Trust your parental instincts and I think you’d have more hits than misses.
DELAMAR SAYS… Relationships start, grow and deepen by spending time together doing things. It’s what you call bonding.
Human relationships can be likened to investments. You put in the time being with someone and then you can collect a friendship or connection after enough time has passed. If you don’t have any kind of substantial connection to your daughters, it might be that you haven’t spent enough time with them, enough time talking to them and enough time being in each other’s company while they were growing up.
I mean, it is possible that while they were growing up your wife must have spent more time with the kids while you were busy working. And it is only now that you notice that they’ve grown up they are closer to their mom rather than their dad.
In my opinion, if you want to be close to your daughters you will have to find a way to 1) spend time with them, 2) find a way to communicate to them and 3) find a way to be genuinely interested in their lives.
You can maybe take the whole family regularly out to dinner and just have one or two hours of conversation while you eat out. You’ll get an idea of what they are interested in if you let them talk and if you hear what they have to say about things. Then maybe you can take your daughters out for coffee or a movie every now and then so you can spend time doing things together. You can even get into a sport together like badminton or whatever game you can be interested in watching together. Even a simple afternoon together shopping might be a venue for you to see what your kids are about, who they are now as young adults and what they are passionate about.
In other words, if you want to have a great relationship with your daughters you will have to put in the time just being together whether it is just talking to doing things together.
What you want to have with them cannot be had instantly, you have to build it. You have to earn their trust. You have to connect with them. And if you find that they are not comfortable at the beginning just keep at it. Sooner or later when they sense you just want to be there for them, they might let their guard down and actually talk to you.
You couldn’t have chosen a more difficult time to get to know your daughters. The teenage years are probably the most difficult. But it’s worth a try. They are after all, your children.
Your daughters are lucky in the way that their father really wants to build a relationship with them even if it’s coming a little late. You just have to find an opportunity to show that to them. Good luck! I just hope they realize how lucky they are to have that.

2/2/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELLE …This won’t be long and neither is it about something personal. You see, I’ve really been longing for a job as a writer/columnist for a youth section, but I’m only 16 yrs. old. I’m not naive. I am very well aware that here in the Philippines, 16 is considered a young age, even for a youth section. But I really do want this, and I believe I have the talent.
Aside from writing, I also read a lot, think a lot, and observe a lot. I’m perceptive, and I know I stand on higher ground compared to the average individual. I also dream of earning my own money (even now) and somehow getting off my parent’s backs (independence).
It’s only a part time job I’m seeking, and I’m not expecting a big salary either. I just want such a job and everything else that comes with it. The writer jobs I find on the internet are all in the U.S., I haven’t been hearing about any vacancies, and the last time I inquired, they just ignored me (I’m guessing they had no vacancies and thought I was too young — I don’t blame them). To put it shortly, I’ve been arriving at dead ends.
I don’t need you guys to pick this letter to appear on the Manila Bulletin on Wednesday (I wouldn’t mind, of course). I just need your advice and some direction as to what I should do now. Yes, I am asking you to write me back, if you don’t mind. I’d really appreciate it. – Catherine
ps: Writing for a school paper is no option for me because I am homeschooled.
CHICO SAYS...When it comes to your passion, there is no wetting your toes in the water — go ahead and do a cannonball and make as big a splash as you can!
There is no better way to apply in a publishing company than by showing them what you got. They are not going to break your door down, to offer you a juicy writing job, complete with a fat salary. They won’t fight tooth and nail with each other just to get on your better graces. You won’t get to sit comfily in your laz-e-boy, lahdeeah-ing your time away while they track you down with a pack of bloodhounds. YOU will have to call THEIR attention to your immense talent waiting to be discovered (let me take your word that you have what it takes).
How to do it? Choose the newspapers or magazines that you want to work for then just keep submitting articles that you think they will find worth printing.
Dazzle with them with your skills and wield deftly your command of words.
Write different articles for the different publications, wisely matching the article with the respective publication’s market. Even if they ignore you at first, it will only be a matter of time before one of them decides to print an article of yours. And if you catch their attention often enough, you just might find yourself a parttime writing job for one of those magazines.
But in case you’ve submitted a hundred articles and there are still no takers, then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your career choices. But if you’re one of those won’t-take-no-for-an-answer kind of go-getters, then try and try until they get you a restraining order.
So go for it and be inyour-face as much as you can. Do what it takes to get that writing gig. And if after all that work you get the job, then you’ll sooo deserve every last drop of glory you can squeeze out of it.
DELAMAR SAYS…The first advice I will give you is — GO WRITE.
Write short stories, essays, poems or plays, if you want. Just make sure you’re writing, writing, writing.
This is how you can hone your skill and find your own unique style. Even before you find a writing job, you should already be writing. It’s like practicing and rehearsing so that when the window of opportunity comes along, you are prepared to take it.
Success, I have once heard defined as opportunity meeting preparation. So, keep preparing. Write. Write. Write.
Hopefully, you get better at it and when something comes up you are prepared to take up the challenge. Better if you can write in both Filipino and English. That just opens more opportunities
Second advice: Get connected in the writing circle by joining writing workshops. The C.C.P., U.S.T., U.P., and De La Salle, these are just some of the usual institutions that hold workshops. I’ve actually also heard of TV stations holding workshops if you ever wanted to write for TV. Anyway, don’t worry about the cost of these workshops because most of them are for free. Some of them even give participants stipend while they attend the workshops. Imagine that! So, you can go to these schools and go directly to their Creative Writing departments and you can check out their bulletin boards announcing when the next one will be held. You can also check out the major dailieswe have because they also advertise writing workshops there too. Most likely it will be in the lifestyle section so browse the major newspapers especially every weekend.
For hard hitting pieces, you can also check out the journalism departments of the mentioned schools. I’m sure they also hold workshops. You can also join the Palanca Awards. This is a major yearly event for writers. You would be asked to submit shortstories, poems and plays.
The idea behind joining workshops is to get to know people in the writing circle. These are the people who can recommend you and your work if they see talent or potential. Hopefully, by joining workshops, you can find a mentor too who can guide you. You have to get to know the right people and have right people to knowyou.
So keep writing, join workshops and keep submitting your work to writing competitions. This will be your introduction to the circle you want to get into. Even if you don’t win the prize you at least get to know the styles of other writers and get an idea of what the competition is out there. Good luck to you and I hope things turn out well for you.

1/05/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR¡K One time I read your column and I decided to write you to ask for some advice and opinion about my situation.


My friend has a suitor and that guy became my textmate because of her. We exchanged quotations or something. We didn¡¦t even bother to ask each other¡¦s name but I already know his name because of my friend. After three weeks, he texted me and asked some personal questions, that was after we met at my friend¡¦s debut.

We talked every night until 3 a.m. We became friends until to the point that he asked my help to put in a good word for him with my friend. But my friend dumped him.

Eventually, I started to fall for him. But it turns out my friend was in love with him too. She was just trying to test the guy. But the guy gave up and started courting me. I didn¡¦t know anything about her plans of dumping him but she didn¡¦t intend to do it.

He became my boyfriend. My friend and I talked about it. I admit I was wrong but I didnt intend to hurt her. We were very close before. After that a lot of things changed betweeen us and I was afraid of losing her.

I felt that she wasn¡¦t very supportive of my relationship with the guy. But everything turned ok after three weeks of not talking.

They are from the same school. My relationship with them is ok but I can¡¦t help not to get jealous because they always see each other at school.

After five months we broke up, and after that I discovered a lot of things. My ex was doing some extra favors for my friend. He was accompanying my friend at job applications without telling me. He was even the one who made my friend¡¦s resume. There were a lot of times when they were together without my knowledge.

I felt so cheated, parang hindi niya ko minahal, parang ginamit lang nya ko to forget my friend. Or I should say para lalong mapalapit sa friend ko. Ngayon umiiwas ako sa friend ko. Hindi ko kayang makipag plastikan. Dahil masama ang loob ko sa kanya. Noon madalas akong pumunta sa school nila pero hindi na ngayon, noon lagi akong invited ng friend ko sa tuwing may activity sila o program sa school nila samantalang ngayon hindi na.

Ewan ko sa friend ko, hindi ko sya maintindihan. Please I want to have my own peace of mind. Thanks for reading my email. I just want to have somebody to talk to and listen to me. God bless!! Thanks!! - Cristina


CHICO SAYS¡KYou will have to choose: Either you¡¦re an objective/technical person or a subjective/emotional person. You can¡¦t be one when it¡¦s convenient, then another as it suits your needs.

If you want to be technical about it, you had nothing to be guilty about when you got it on with this guy because your friend dumped him. She was playing games with him and she should deal with the consequences ¡X besides, you weren¡¦t in on all her secret manipulations.

But in the same vein, you shouldn¡¦t be crying foul now that you¡¦ve broken up. He¡¦s very much up for grabs now as he was when you hooked up.

Now, this all applies if you take out all emotions from the equation. Now if you look at it from an emotional point of view, your friend had every right to feel betrayed when you swooped down on her man like a vulture at the first sign of disinterest on her part. True, she dumped him, but you could have kept your distance for a while, so as not to seem so predatorial.

When you really think about it, she had first dibs on this guy. At the very least, you should have put up a fight and not said yes to the guy so quickly. And now that the shoe is on the other foot, you too have a right to feel bad because she gave you a taste of your medicine.

Which brings me to my point: You both kind of deserve each other since you both hardly took each other¡¦s feelings into consideration before you followed your respective hearts. If you want to be very cold and mechanical about it, then this should be water off a duck¡¦s back. If you want to be very human about it, one good turn deserves another. Either way, I would call it quits.


DELAMAR SAYS¡K Honestly, if you really want my opinion on this matter, I would have to say that unless you were going to marry this guy don¡¦t waste your time losing sleep or crying over him. Apparently, he doesn¡¦t really know what he wants. One minute he¡¦s in love with your best friend and the next he¡¦s pursuing a relationship with you.

Do you really want that kind of guy to be your boyfriend? I mean, it seems as though he¡¦s not really focused on one girl. All he wants is a relationship with any girl, whoever gets close to him. All I know is that romantic love should be specific. It¡¦s specific to one particular person. What you feel is special because you don¡¦t feel like that for any other. Call it romantic, but that¡¦s how I see it.

I know you feel betrayed. As far as you know the facts, they sneaked around together while you were still very much in the relationship with the guy. Your friend knew that he was your boyfriend. Your boyfriend knew that you wouldn¡¦t like it if you knew that he was spending a lot of time with your best friend. So, somehow they both are guilty of knowing that there was wrongdoing here and they still went and did it anyway. For that you have every right to feel betrayed.

But here¡¦s another way to look at it: Your friend did to you what you did to her. However much pain you feel now she must¡¦ve felt when you got together with the guy you knew she liked. Yes, she dumped him to test his love. Although he didn¡¦t know what was happening, you did. You knew that your friend had feelings for this guy. As a true best friend, you should have kept your distance from the guy knowing full well that she didn¡¦t really dump him to get rid of him but to test him.

But there you were ever ready to take the guy in that you may not have given him a chance to prove his love because you were there ready to preoccupy his attention. I¡¦m sure your friend didn¡¦t like that at all. She must¡¦ve been very hurt. To her, it would seem that without her knowledge you also sneaked around and spent time with her then suitor until he eventually fell for you.

You see what I¡¦m getting at here? So, if you never intended to hurt your friend by pursuing a relationship with her suitor, isn¡¦t it possible that she never intended to take your boyfriend away but that they just eventually fell for each other again because of the time they¡¦ve been spending together?

All in all, I don¡¦t think you can accuse your best friend of anything she can¡¦t throw right back at you. And I don¡¦t think you should fight with her anyway because while you two are busy scratching each other¡¦s eyes out, the guy is just sitting pretty while the women fight over him.

He should be the one neither of you should be talking to, in my opinion. He was the source of all this complication. If he just knew what he really wanted from the very start he wouldn¡¦t have ended up making the two women fall for him and eventually hurting them in the process. If he were truly in love with your friend, then he should have been more persistent and determined. He¡¦s Pinoy. He knows the rules of Filipino courtship.

Or, after having gotten into a relationship with you he should have stood by his decision and be faithful to you. But he didn¡¦t. He was like a pendulum swinging to and from not wanting to keep still. All three of you had some fault in making this situation. So, don¡¦t waste your time pointing fingers on who¡¦s to blame for what.

My advice is: MOVE ON. This guy doesn¡¦t seem like Mr. Right for you anyway.

5/11/05

[Cat]

DEAR CHICO AND DELLE... Just call me Sexton. I’m 16 years old, and over the summer I’ve begun to feel a bit unusual about myself.


Up until this summer, I loved hanging out with my friends and going out to parties, watching movies and reading books. I can also say, modesty aside, that I was one of the popular kids in school.

So what’s my problem? I guess it started about a month or so ago.

I was just lounging around at home, channel surfing, and I happened to stumble into one of those channels where they sell stuff, and I suddenly felt incredibly alone and depressed. I blamed it on the heat, initially, but the day after I was still depressed. I still am as I write you guys this letter.

Nothing seems important or fascinating to me any longer. I hate television, I haven’t watched a movie for the longest time, and I can’t even remember the last time I cracked open a book. I haven’t been sleeping properly for the past couple of weeks, and I often lie awake for most of the night.

Lately I’ve been thinking about cutting myself. I have to admit that this thought scares me, but there’s also a part of me that feels like it’s the only way I can get out of this slump I’m in. I feel so disconnected from my own self. I feel like pretty soon I will think of killing myself, if cutting myself doesn’t work. It seems like the only logical next step.

I’ve tried to think about what it is that’s depressing me, because I don’t think that the home shopping network (that’s what’s it’s called, right?) has driven anybody to kill themselves yet, but I can’t think of anything that should affect me like this. Like I’ve told you, my friends have been nothing but good to me, and my parents are the best any kid could possibly ask for.

I know it’s kinda stupid to ask, but is having these kinds of thoughts normal for someone my age? And why am I depressed for no apparent reason? Is this just a phase, or am I suffering from an hormonal imbalance or something? What should I do with myself?


CHICO SAYS… Wow, if you don’t know what’s driving you to the deep end of the emotional spectrum, can you imagine how needle-in-a-haystack-ish this is for us? It could be one of many things, or maybe even a combination of many.

True, you being in the throes of teenage-hood could possibly be the main culprit — a combination of hormones and the accompanying uneasy transition from kid to adult. I don’t know how the home-shopping network factors into this (although some infomercials have been known to inspire doubt in the very goodness of mankind), but let me venture a guess. Please be patient with my amateur pseudo-psycho sleuthing.

As a teenager, you’re basically beset with the major league issues of being a human being — "what’s my purpose in life?," "where do I fit in, in the big scheme of things?," "where will I find my happiness?," and Lord knows whatever existensial baggage we may have. Given all this surplus emotional tonnage weighing down on you like a Damocles sword, I’m surprised the emotional meltdown didn’t happen earlier.

Then one day you tune in to a TV shopping network. Maybe it was all that blatant commercialism — maybe it gave you a feeling of disillusionment, that people will do anything, say anything, even mislead, just to make a quick buck. Maybe all those people telling you how badly you need their products made you feel like you have nothing, that unless you buy their stuff, you’d be forever wanting — it doesn’t help that you probably don’t even know what exactly it is you need.

Maybe you felt overloaded with so much superficiality — people jumping through hoops for a flatter stomach, or bigger boobs, or taller height, or a face devoid of scars or pimples. Maybe you felt that if that’s what life has been reduced to, then you want no part of it. Maybe you were thirsting for some form of substance, and found fluff instead.

Thinking of suicide is not to be taken lightly. Most people who consider this route is basically bathed in hopelessness, that there is no other option but escape. Had there been an alternative path, you would not have considered the most drastic one. Writing to us seems to me a good start. At least you want to talk to someone about it.

If you’re up to it, I suggest you seek professional help — not because you’re sick or that anything’s wrong with you, but just for someone to systematically guide you through this by talking about it. In case the idea repels you, at the very least I beg you to hang in there. Life is never easy for any of us. We all bear our own crosses, and trust me, each one of us feels like the burden we bear is the greatest.

Life didn’t pinpoint you specifically to torment. This is hopefully just a phase. I don’t know where life will take you — maybe the road will be smooth, maybe this is just a peek at something more laborious. I won’t tell you things will be better from hereon because based on my experiences, it only gets harder. But what I will advise you is to nail your courage to it’s sticking place. Stay strong and weather the storms when they roll by. Find it in God, find it in family and friends, find it in yourself, or find the courage wherever you can get it.

Don’t expect to win an epic war. The battles of life are won day by day, step by step, minute by excruciating minute. Even when it comes to the point where even just breathing is painful, hang in there. And for what? Hopefully you live long enough to find the answer out for yourself.


DELAMAR SAYS… Well, you are a teenager. Your body is changing quite drastically. And it will continue to do so for the next couple of years more as you turn from child to young adult. Of course, hormones will affect your mood. And as you change from kid to grown up you can’t feel somehow displaced or stuck in between worlds.

You’re not yet an adult but you’re too old to be treated as a child. And when you say nothing fascinates you anymore that is classic signs of being a teenager. You’re easily bored. All you want to do is lounge around and retreat into yourself. Now, although there might not be anything big that’s happening in your life in terms of events and everything seems fine on the surface this can be the most tempestuous and most troubled time in your life.

It’s tricky what you’re going through when you’re at this age. This is where who you will become for the rest of your life is decided, here in these few years of teenage life.

You begin to have your own thoughts separate from your parents’. You mold your individual identity on your own. This is the time you might feel most disconnected from people, almost separate from them. This might be a time you feel most alone. This might even be the time you feel you cannot reach anyone and no one can really reach you. So, although there isn’t any particular event that’s happening you can feel totally depressed seemingly for no reason at all.

But there is somewhere this is all coming from. And if you want to understand and not fear what’s going on inside of you, or of your mind, you might want to talk to someone. If you feel like the people around you and closest to you cannot be the people you can talk to, then you may want to see a professional.

There is neither harm nor shame in talking to a therapist. Sometimes we need a total stranger who does not know us and therefore cannot judge us to listen to us and what we have to say. We need an impartial listener who can draw out our inner most thoughts no matter how silly or ugly or dark and who won’t judge us for it.

And a good therapist, suited for your needs and personality, might be the best option at this point.

I don’t know much about psychology but my layman’s guess is that when you entertain thoughts of cutting yourself it is because you feel numb. It seems as if you cannot feel. There is this nothingness inside of you and it’s getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Until at one point you’ll want to feel something…anything.

And cutting yourself might seem like a good idea because although it’s supposed to hurt it will at least make you feel something. Now, it isn’t that you really have nothing inside of you. It’s possible there are a lot happening in your psyche but it’s buried deep down that you just can’t get to it.

That might explain your sleepless nights. The truth is, this could all be just your run of the mill teenage agony that you’ll probably laugh at and look at with fondness when you’re a more mature adult in the future.

Still seeing and talking to a therapist won’t hurt. What have you got to lose if you did go see one? Nothing. So, my advice is talk to a therapist. Just try talking to someone who is professionally equipped to help you with these things.

It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It just means you acknowledge that there is something going on inside of you and you need help.

I’ve been there. I’ve done that. It really helped me a lot to understand why I am the way I am today. It explains why my relationships with people are the way they are. It even explains how I see myself. There is a deeper understanding of myself now and what goes on really when I am most apprehensive or afraid or just plain lost.

And therapy not just makes you talk. It equips you with tools to handle things that would normally throw you off. So, before you reach for anything sharp, please please please go see a professional.

5/18/05