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Archive
May 25, 2005 17:03:54 GMT -5
Post by Cat on May 25, 2005 17:03:54 GMT -5
Dear Chico and Delamar… Hi guys. I hope you will be able to shed light and perhaps solution on what just happened to me and what I just did that cost me a valued relationship.
You know about this high technology thing. Sometimes they work to our disadvantage. Minsan napapahamak talaga tayo. That is what happened to me due to my carelessness.
Bob is a friend who is also my business partner. We had been classmates since high school. We started our little business about three years ago. It was the result of our thesis in college and we decided to make a go of it. We were three in the business and fortunately, this little enterprise flourished and we are quite successful in expanding the business. Our other partner Jim is now in the States trying his luck there. We own equal shares of the company. I basically manage it while Bob does a little marketing here and there because he does not work full time with the company while I do.
I am single and my friend married his college girlfriend two years ago. I never liked this girl even before. He is snooty and snobbish and she is so bossy. My friend is so in love with her that he does not see how bad he is being treated by his wife. I guess this is what the oldies call "katapat’’ of my friend because she is able to make him tow the line, so to speak.
Three weeks ago, my friend emailed me to ask for an advance money, sort of advance dividend, from the company. The reason he gave was that he was going to lend it to his wife who is thinking of starting her own business. As far as money is concerned, we have it but I was thinking of undergoing some projects for the company that will need money as well, including raising the salaries of the employees. Personally though, I did not like to give the money because it would go to Bob’s wife and as I’ve said, I dont like her.
To settle it, I e-mailed Jim who is in the States and forwarded to him the email of Bob. I included a short note from myself to Jim, giving my own opinion about the situation, saying that I don’t like the wife in the first place and that Bob had been wrong in really marrying that girl.
When Jim replied that he votes for giving the money to Bob, I relented. I forwarded Jim’s e-mail to Bob - without removing what I wrote about the wife, which I admit bordered on bad mouthing her.
Alas it was too late for me to take it back. I know Bob was able to read my comments and I know it did not sit well with him.
The thing is, it has been weeks since that happened and Bob has not discussed it with me. We talk about business matters but he never opened the topic to me, and this is killing me. I wanted to apologize for it but if he does not opene it, why should I? Maybe he has not even noticed my ‘’marginal notes’’ at all!
I know he loves his wife but it is about time that he does something about her bossiness, and about his cowering in fear with her. I know we are good friends but I dont know if he would take it against me that I would ‘’advice’’ him about his wife. People have ridiculed him for this and it also is not a good image that our staff sees.
Questions: Should I open the email issue? What should I tell a friend who is blindly in love and who cowers in fear with his wife? I do not want our friendship ruined but also, I cannot stand his wimpiness anymore. Its bad for friendship, and its bad for our business. Please share with me your thougts. - David
CHICO SAYS… I can only tell you what I would’ve done in the same situation, which doesn’t exactly mean it’s the right thing to do. Given my personality, I’d be the type to not bring it up, especially if the other person doesn’t seem keen to bring it up himself.
In fact, I admire you for one thing that I’d be way to cowardly to do myself, which is to include your comments about his wife when you forwarded Jim’s email to him. It would’ve left a bad taste in the mouth if you said what you said to Jim then kept Bob in the dark about it. Kudos to you both for being able to talk business and not throwing hissy fits because of this.
Maybe Bob is still trying to process what he read in your e-mail. It can be one of two things: First, that he’s mad at you, so much that he’ll only talk business with you and nothing more, or second, that he’s trying to absorb this new info about how his friend perceives himself and his wife. It can quite be an emotional handful to find out that one of your closest friends hates your wife.
But if your call about his wife is correct, then maybe this is exactly the wake-up call that he needs. Try and see if maybe he’ll be more open to the idea that his wife is less than perfect. I don’t think you were out of line bringing this up because it involved the company’s money. You’re all partners in this and all have equal say in it.
Plus, I don’t think you should apologize for your own honest opinions. At worse, your only fault is not bringing it up with him and telling Jim about it first. What to do? I’d rather wait for him to bring it up. I wouldn’t want to force the issue if he hasn’t dealt with it himself. And hopefully he’ll bring it up when he’s good and ready.
And if he doesn’t ever bring it up? You can to do it the way the girls generally do it, which is bring it up one time, maybe over a couple of beers, and just let your heart be naked and let all the unsaid feelings flow out until no stone has been left unturned. Or if can do it the way the boys generally do it, which is forget about it — if neither of you feels like bringing it up, and if it doesn’t affect your business relationship, then all’s well that ends well.
DELAMAR SAYS… Let me just say that even though you might have had the best of intentions it really didn’t come across as that.
To me, if I were to put myself on the receiving end of what you did, I would really feel bad. First of all, if you really didn’t like the wife you should have stated your case even before the question of money was involved. As you said you were good friends. If it really bothered you then and you think it is in your place to be honest with your friend about his choice for a lifetime partner, you should have already said something before.
Now it just looks like you don’t want to give the money and you’re using something personal to justify your decision not to give it. Second of all, I would take offense that you went to the other partner who was out of the country and tried to influence his decision using personal opinion and not a business one.
More than anything, what I find disturbing here is that business is getting complicated with something personal. As you said, your business can go on even if you give the advanced dividend. It won’t hurt the business. The only real reason you don’t want to give the money is because you don’t want your friend to be bossed around by his wife.
Do you even know for a fact that he doesn’t want to give that money to his wife and was just being forced to? Or was it something you assumed? What he does with his advance dividends is his business. That is his money and he should be allowed to use it any which way he wants. If he wants to give it to his wife to start a business of her own then that isn’t really any of your business. If the company can’t give out the money at this time then he will just have to wait for his dividends to mature in time. It should have been as simple as that.
You shouldn’t have used business to bring up something personal in nature. If you want to talk to your friend about his personal life then do so without involving business. Don’t use business to make a point about his marriage.
I would understand if his marriage is clouding his decision in business and you felt your investment is at stake because of it. But it’s not. Business is doing well. All your friend wants is to get his share in advanced dividends so he can invest it with his wife.
My opinion is that although you just wanted what is best for your friend, you may have overstepped your boundaries as a friend and as a business partner. I would bring it up with him and apologize. You’ve already made your point anyway if he read the "marginal notes". Now leave it up to him to do whatever he sees fit in business and his personal life. Otherwise, if you continue to push him to do whatever you want him to do, you won’t be any different than his wife who you say controls and bosses him around.
5/25/05
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Post by Cat on Jun 1, 2005 6:59:30 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELLE... Hi! I’m 21 years old, and I just recently got a great starting job at one of the bigger banks here in the country. It’s clerical work, mostly, but for a new graduate like me, the pay is pretty good and the job environment isn’t too much of a hassle.
I read your column regularly, although I do have to admit that I used to have a bias against people who wrote to advice columnists. I was of the mind set that people shouldn’t air their private problems in public, and that they should just find a solution to it among their family and friends.
That is of course, until now.
You see, while on a night out with my friends about a couple of months ago, I got introduced to Daniel. I thought he was really attractive, and during the course of the night I found out that he wasn’t only attractive; He was very articulate and well-spoken, had a great sense of humor, and we shared a lot of common interests when it came to books and movies. We exchanged numbers and promised to go out some time.
It was only after two months of dating that I got the shock of my life. After having a really nice conversation about the new Star Wars movie (we thought it was better than Episode I and II, but still not as good as the original three), he suddenly tells me: "You know, you’re the only girl who hasn’t treated me like a kid."
Of course, I’m stunned. I eventually find out he’s only 16, and you could just imagine my initial horror and guilt. I finish the date without any further incident, and although I still occasionally reply to him whenever he texts, I’ve never met up with him since.
I’ve gone out on a couple of other dates since then with people my age, but I’ve never had as much fun with them as I’ve had with Daniel, who still asks me out every once in a while. I’ve always made some lame excuse not to go. I feel like such a hypocrite: After telling my friends all these years that age shouldn’t matter after you’ve found the right guy, here I am not able to take my own advice.
I guess what I want to know is if I did the right thing. I’d be the first to admit that I feel a lot of affection for him, and he certainly hasn’t been stingy with telling me how he feels either. Should I get back together with him? Do you think he’ll still have me back even if I’ve been so horrible to him?
And if I do get back together with him, I guess the most important question is: Will it be legal? Or will I be committing a felony?
CHICO SAYS...You have nooo idea how puny your problem is. First of all, your problem’s shelf life is very short. In a couple of years this age difference won’t be a big deal at all.
Besides, what are we talking about here — five years? Yes, he’s 16, but you’re only 21 yourself! It’s not exactly robbing the cradle, it’s more like, young love, sweet love. And that five-year difference won’t matter at all when he’s 31 and you’re 36.
I’m older than Delle by 6 years, but never did I see her as a spring chicken (Hahaha! Sorry Delle, I couldn’t resist the dig!). We hardly feel the six-year difference! After a certain age, it has to be 10 years up, before you feel the age gap.
Besides, they say that older women paired with younger men are the most suited pairs because men start early and end early, while women bloom later but last longer. If you really like this guy, suffer a little and let people talk if they will. But give him two more years and he’ll be legal — to drive, to drink, to gamble, and to do whatever else it is you plan to do legally.
Look, if even you didn’t feel his age, what makes you think other people will? And don’t stress too much over what other people think. Trust me, you’ll be so fed up with that soon enough. Love doesn’t play by society’s rules. Once it grabs you by the hair and yanks you to follow, you’re pretty much powerless to resist. If it really bothers you so much, wait a couple of years until he’s 18 — IF he’s still into you.
OR, you can get into a relationship with him now, since there is no law about being boyfriends with a 16-year-old (maybe you can hold off on the kinky stuff until he’s legal). You’re two young people who enjoy each other’s company — what the heck’s wrong with that? If I were you, I’d get to know him better, and if the only thing you see wrong with him is the fact that he’s five years younger than you, then consider yourself blessed.
You just hit yourself the jackpot — a studly young colt who’s ready, willing, and able to run that extra mile for you.
DELAMAR SAYS...Will it be legal!?! That’s funny. Well, you should be happy to know that it’s all perfectly legal. Statutory rape here in the Philippines is set at age 12. That means having sex with someone 12 and below, whether consensual or not, is considered rape by law. But seeing that you’re object of affection is 16 and you’re well over the legal age, there is no problem whatsoever. So, don’t worry. You’re not doing an R.Kelly, so you can breathe a sigh of relief.
And besides, it’s just a date right? You’re not thinking of marriage yet, are you? Just in case, according to Philippine law, if you do want to get married, both parties have to be 18 years old with parental consent up to age 21. However, I think this is just about dating anyway…
Okay, so he’s 16 and you’re 21. That isn’t really so bad. Really. It’s just a 5-year difference. And the only thing that makes it icky right now is because he’s in high school and you already graduated college.
But trust me, give it a few more years and it won’t be such a problem. There is a catching up, so to speak.
For example, if I were 12 years old and I fell in love with a 17-year old there might be some icky factor involved. Fast forward to several years later when I’m 21 and he’s 26, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with it at all. So, when he’s 25 and you’re 30, nobody would really raise an eyebrow at the idea of the two of you dating each other, thanks to Demi Moore and Cameron Diaz for paving the way!
Of course the real problem is what to do now. Now is the time that you’re a full education level ahead of this man you like. My advice is to tell him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I think he deserves to know how you really feel about him.
I mean, he did tell you about his feelings for you. Tell him about your feelings and your fears. There’s no harm in going out with him. And it’s not a crime. Th eonly caveat I will dispense is that you have to remember that this guy’s 16. There will be many changes in him, his thoughts, and his decisions. If he were cement, so to speak, he hasn’t set yet.
So, don’t you be shopping for a wedding gown just yet. Both of you will still meet a lot of people who might or might not change the courses of your lives. You just started working and you will meet other people your age. On the other hand, he will enter college soon and he will meet people his age. Now, I don’t know if that will make a dent, if any, on any kind of relationship with you. It could. But it’s also possible that it won’t. Depends on how you really feel for each other.
What I do know is that you both like each other’s company now. You both like each other now. My opinion? What’s wrong with that? As long as you’re not naming your future kids with this guy or opening a joint bank account, go ahead and just enjoy each other’s company.
And with regards to being intimate, if that is a question at all for you, just keep in mind that he’s not ready for any parental responsibility. So keep that in mind if you wanna do the nasty…
6/1/05
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Post by Cat on Jun 8, 2005 6:42:04 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELLE...Hi! I hope you guys are doing great while you read this letter. I’m sure that people all over the country have been helped, in one way or another, by the advice you guys give, and that they’re wishing you a great day as well.
I’m Karl, and I just turned 25 a couple of weeks ago. I have a pretty nice job as a call center agent here in Makati, and if everything goes according to plan, I may even be promoted next month. I live with my parents and two college-age siblings in Manila, and I help out by paying the bills.
Now,you may be asking what my problem is exactly, and, silly as it sounds, it’s this: I want to move out of the house.
In fact, this isn’t even the first time I’ve wanted to do this.You see, both my parents have comfortable, well-paying jobs, enough for them to be able to pay for the bills and still be more than generous with us siblings. It’s not that I don’t appreciate their generosity, because I do, immensely. But I just felt it was time for me to learn how to fend for myself.
Ever since I got my first job when I was 20, I’d already wanted to move out of the house. Although my first job didn’t pay as well as this call center gig I now have, I had been able to find a friend willing to share an apartment and the expenses with me. I only encountered a problem when I told my parents about it.
My mom was asking me why I felt the need to move when they were more than happy to have me in their home, and my dad couldn’t even speak. After which they didn’t talk to me for two days straight. When they finally talked to me again, I told them I just wasn’t comfortable still living with my parents when I’m already earning a living, even if it is an accepted practice here in the country. They still refused, and eventually we reached a compromise, with them allowing me to pay for the bills.
This arrangement worked at the beginning; I felt that I was no longer being coddled by my parents.But now that I have this new job that gives me even more financial independence, I feel the need to move out much more strongly now. It’s not like they need the money I’m earning, and even if they did, I’d be more than happy to give it to them even if I’m no longer living with them.
I guess what I want to know is on how I can best tell my parents about my decision without sounding like an ungrateful heel. Is there a way I can leave the nest without ruffling my parent’s feathers? As much as I want to live on my own, I don’t want it to happen at the expense of my relationship with my parents.
Thank you, and I apologize if my problem seems a bit shallow.
CHICO SAYS... For me the best approach would be to explain that it wasn’t that you don’t want to be under their wing anymore, it’s just that like any other bird, you need to leave the nest sometime.
I know that the Pinoy way is to stay with the family and that the only acceptable reason to move out is because you’re getting married. Your parents just feel rejected because they can’t see any reason why you would move out given how cushy your life is with them. To them, the only reason why you’d exchange a comfortable life with a much more financially difficult one, is because you have issues with them.
You just have to assure them that you’re perfectly happy with them, but the time has come for you to try life out on your own. Tell them you want some first-hand training on how it is to be completely self-sufficient. How can you expect to lead a family of many if you don’t even know if you can survive on your own?
Tell them you need practice on how it is to be an independent adult. Remind them of the time when they too, moved out of their respective parents’ houses. Remind them that they were given a chance to forge their own lives when they too, were young fledglings. Their moving out didn’t mean they loved their parents any less, it only meant that it was then time to see if their parents taught them well.
Tell them you only ask the very same freedom that they were generously granted in their time. Assure them that you will still visit regularly, that you love them, that you will miss them, but that this is a natural progression, an inevitable fork in the road.
If you can convince them that moving out of their house will not entail moving out of their lives, I’m sure they’ll be more supportive. Reassurance is the name of the game. Parents just have a natural separation anxiety when it comes to their children. They will try to bribe you. They will use the guilt tactic. They might even threaten you with whatever. Joke with them that if they couldn’t let you move out at a very non-young age of 25, what more when the time comes that you have to get married? Assure them that the only thing that will change will be your address.
And do me a favor? Remember this day when your future kids tell you they want to move out.
DELAMAR SAYS...I don’t think your problem is shallow at all. I think this is a very important issue to address to parents and children alike.
This issue is really close to my heart. I went through the same situation last year. I was 30 years old at the time and I had been wanting to confront my fear of not being able to be independent. I knew there would come a time that I would not be able to depend on anyone except myself and I was anxious to really see for myself if I could do it.
I was the right age. I had been thinking of moving out of my parents’ house for a good two years before I really did it so it wasn’t anything impulsive. I wasn’t rebelling or anything. I just really wanted to live my life the way I saw fit.
In my dad’s house there was an unwritten rule that kids will only move out the day they get married. However, at the time, I had been heartbroken too many times that I thought if I waited for that time, I would surely never be able to move out at all. So, the decision came to me to finally do it. I had found a decent place and I just made the decision. It wasn’t easy at all. My parents didn’t like the idea. I had friction with almost everyone in the house and it was very difficult for me emotionally. But I went ahead and did it anyway.
The good news is that you’re of age. You have the right and the means to do with your life whatever you want. If moving out is what you want there really isn’t anything that your parents can do about it except — make it difficult! I mean they didn’t talk to you for two days when you first broached the topic.
But it is your right. It is your decision. And it isn’t like you’re 16. You have a job and you can support yourself already. The bad news? Well parents, especially Filipino parents, will not make it easy.
It’s natural that they will want to keep us. That is their role to take care of us. But there is a time when we truly become adults and decide for ourselves. There will come a time when we will have to fly the coop.
These decisions will have consequences, good and bad, but we just know that we are ready to take it. We are ready to rise and fall by our own decisions whether or not our parents agree with it. It is a rite of passage. It will not come easy. There will be hurt feelings on both sides. But we do what we must. We do what we have to. In other words, they will get hurt no matter how gentle you will do this. But, I do believe that this is the last lesson that they will learn from us.
They will have to learn to let go. They will have to learn to let us live our lives. They have to believe that they have done their job raising us to the best of their abilities and it’s time that they hand us the reins of our lives so we can live it. Just look at the animal kingdom, mothers train their young to fend for themselves and when that is done they go their separate ways.
It isn’t so easy for humans, but there is a letting go just the same. For some it is when their kids get married. But what if the child never marries? When will they let go? Whether it is by virtue of marriage of not, there is a time when parents will just have to let the children live their own lives. That can mean moving out or getting married or just plain letting their children decide for themselves.
What I advise is for you to sit them down. Inform them of your decision. Remember you are not asking for their permission you are informing them of it. Tell them you would like their blessing on what you are about to do. If they try to dissuade you then you tell them this is your decision and you will stand by it whether or not they agree but you would want their blessing. Say what you have to say respectfully but with certainty and firmness.
If you’ve done this the right way, then do what you have to regardless of how bad they make you feel. They will just have to learn to let you go. Give it time if they don’t talk to you. They will get over it, trust me. Make sure you still are involved in their lives after you’ve moved out.
Show them they are still important to you and you have not abandoned them, you just moved out. Good luck.
P.S. I just hope that the day that the roles are reversed and it is my child who wants to move out, I really hope I can handle that with grace and remember how it was for me.
6/8/05
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Archive
Jun 15, 2005 3:28:04 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Jun 15, 2005 3:28:04 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELLE...How are you guys doing? I hope everything’s super. I wish I could say the same for myself, because I’m in a bit of a pickle.
You see, for 23 years I’ve never really been the risk taker, either in my family or in my circle of friends. No one can definitely accuse me of being adventurous: I’m always the jeans and shirt girl and I’m always the one who arrives on time. I’m no virgin, but the few occasions I’ve been intimate with a guy, we weren’t exactly rocking each other’s world.
Which is why I was very surprised when I found myself in a really steamy online conversation with a guy from Cebu. I don’t even chat online that often, but I found this guy’s nickname so intriguing (it was the name of one of my favorite fictional characters) that I just had to chat with him. We hit it off very quickly, exchanged pictures, and pretty soon we were meeting quite regularly online. It was only a matter of time before we both wanted to meet each other in person, and the occasion finally presented itself when he had to come here to Manila on business.
We decide to meet in Makati, and being the prompt girl that I am, I arrive there on time. He arrived a few minutes after, and you can just imagine my surprise when he arrives along with his girlfriend. Yes, his girlfriend. But believe it or not, that’s not the most shocking part of that meeting.
He introduces me to his girlfriend as the girl he’s been chatting with online, and the girl then proceeds to tease me about certain...uhm...personal things I enjoyed doing with her boyfriend. To say that I was shocked out of my wits is an understatement, and they must have noticed this because they explained to me that the two of them had a very open relationship, and had just recently decided to include a third person in their dynamic.
Normally I’d hightail it out of there, but it was then my riskier self decided to rear its ugly head. They told me that I didn’t have to engage in anything physical with them if I didn’t want to, and that I could get out of it anytime I wanted to. I thought that I didn’t have anything to lose anyway, so I agreed.
And believe it or not, I love being with them. They’re both very witty, attractive and interesting people, and I always have a ball when I’m with them. And so far the only physical thing we’ve done is kiss.
But this is where my problem comes up. As this really odd relationship has progressed, I’m beginning to find myself more and more attracted to the guy’s girlfriend than towards him. They’re both terrific people, but I just find her more vibrant and more often than not I find myself gravitating towards her whenever the three of us go out.
How do I break this to them? Should I even break this to them? Please don’t tell me to just quietly bow out of the relationship, because I at least intend to find out how she feels about me as well. And what should I do if she does happen to have the same feelings for me?
Sometimes I wonder why this had to be the risk I had to take, out of all the things I could have done. Maybe I should have just taken up bungee jumping.
CHICO SAYS...Wow. For a self-confessed non risk-taker, your letter sure sounded like it came straight out of a Zalman King soft-porn movie.
I must agree though, that you’re exactly the textbook type who would do exactly what you did despite your previous hohum record. A lot of people who grew up rather safe and sheltered are precisely the ones who, once they decide to let loose, unleash a lifetime’s worth of repressed hedonism. The ones who rebelled early were able to control the tension in a more time-released fashion.
But because you kept it in, for whatever reason you decided to suppress these urges, you now feel like you deserve to do whatever you freakin’ want — very much like a dieter who ate nothing but vegetables for a year, then suddenly seeking deliverance from plant fiber and going into an allmeat buffet to eat her heart out. The problem though, if I were to use this analogy, is that you risk getting a protein and fat overload which will get you very sick, very fast.
Same in your case. A lifetime’s worth of behaving will not spare you from the corresponding consequences that accompany such risky behavior. What you’re doing is risky in more levels that you can imagine. First, you’re beginning to be intimate with a couple you hardly know - a couple whose sexual history you know nothing about, regardless of what they choose to tell you.
Second, three is an odd number. Two will always be closer, shutting off and alienating the third member. The one left out will definitely be pissed, if not totally freaked out (and that includes YOU!).
Third, you’re dealing with your newfound sapphic tendencies inside a very complex and potentially volatile relationship. You sound like a very intelligent woman, but I’m not sure just how ready you are to thresh out multiple epiphanies all at one time.
Fourth, her boyfriend could react to your feelings about his girlfriend in many ways — he could enjoy the idea and exploit you in some pervy manner, hate you because he’s not ready to share his girlfriend with a lesbian lover, and if that happens, either kick you out altogether, or worse, even hurt you.
And worst of all, if his girlfriend actually returns your feelings and then you’re put in a position to break apart a serious albeit reckless relationship.
However I look at it, you’ll end up losing something. I know of what I speak. I too, behaved from birth until about age 30, when I "erupted" out of control. I took risks which in retrospect weren’t so smart. I put myself in needless danger just because it was fun and exciting. Icarus comes to mind when I look back at how dizzyingly high I flew and how hard I fell back down.
I won’t tell you what to do. Just make sure you know the risks involved in it. Bungee jumpers and skydivers know that they could die, but they do it anyway. I won’t cramp your style, but don’t cry foul if things don’t go exactly as smoothly as you imagined it would. If you lie down with dogs, prepare to get up with fleas. I wish you the best of luck, and I suggest you take a few steps back and look at the situation from an objective distance. Then look if you like what you see.
DELAMAR SAYS...Seeing as how open the couple are, they share everything together including the steamy online conversations you had with the guy without knowing that the girlfriend was privy to them, I don’t think they will be shocked out of their wits at your impending revelation. If ever they will feel awkward it would probably be at the fact that you have "feelings" for the girl.
I mean, it is one thing to lust after someone and/or sleep with them and it is another to have genuine romantic aspirations. I suppose the boyfriend could either feel "excited" at the thought of the two women getting it on as long as he’s still part of the equation, or he could totally go ballistic because he might get squeezed out of the whole thing.
I mean, let’s face it, romantic relationships are exclusive. And even though couples decide to swing or try to include a third person into it, it is usually for physical reasons and not romantic ones. The guy has only one girlfriend. The girl has only one boyfriend.
And you? Well, you’re the add-on. You are dispensable in their equation. You’re the invited guest and like all other guests you will wear out your welcome especially if you insist on imposing your presence in their relationship.
In any case, take out all the unconventional sexual fantasies among the three of you; this is still a classic love triangle. And judging by your letter, finding out that you are attracted to another girl isn’t the hard part in the situation for you. Instead it is that you want her to be YOUR girlfriend but you don’t know if she feels the same way about you.
I don’t really know what advice to give you except that if I were in your place this is what I would do: I would bring it up in the presence of everyone involved. I mean, this whole thing started with everyone being "open". And in the spirit of what started it all, I would invoke the same openness when I state my case.
I would profess my feelings to whomever and say that that is how I feel. If they were open enough to include me in their relationship the way that they did, then they should be open enough to deal with the consequences of their experiment. Unfortunately, the third party falling in love with one of them isn’t something any of you anticipated. Nevertheless, all three of you, in my opinion, have to deal with the consequences.
Then I would let them do with that confession as they want. If the girl wants to ditch the guy for me, then so be it. If the girl chooses the boyfriend over me, then I will just have to deal with that. At least, I wouldn’t be accused of trying to steal the affections of one for the other.
There won’t be a sneaking around or trying to deceive either of them. After all, if they wanted to share their open relationship with me, then they should be ready to deal with MY openness as well. All three of you are consenting adults, and I believe that you can deal with this "complication" as adults. Decisions have to be made. At the very least one will be very hurt no matter what the outcome will be. Still all three of you will have to accept it favorable or not for each of you personally.
Honestly, I don’t know that this plan will bring you the results you want. All I know is that if it were me, it would be important for me to be as honest to these people as they have been with me. I wouldn’t want bad blood between them and me. I wouldn’t want to lie and cheat just to vie for someone’s affections. I would want to remain as true as the feelings I have.
No playing games. These are people you are dealing with, people with real feelings.
Having said all that, let me just add on a personal note that I don’t believe in threesome relationships. Someone ALWAYS feels left out. Romantic relationships are between two and only two people. Anything beyond two is just too messy and creates a whole lot of mess.
Even if you take out all the moral and/or religious arguments for or against it, it simply isn’t practical.
6/15/05
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Jun 21, 2005 17:03:23 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Jun 21, 2005 17:03:23 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I was browsing at old newspapers and I saw your regular column in Youth and Campus Bulletin in the Manila Bulletin. Here is my story.
I resigned from my first company and worked for an IT firm that promised me a good future in terms of career and compensation. They doubled my previous salary. I worked on a six months probation leading to regularization upon reaching six months.
But just one week before I got regularized, the HR notified me that I had only one week left with the company. They were laying me off because I "did not meet" their minimum standards for the job. I was shocked and totally numb upon knowing that decision. I was made to sign this form which I did. I stayed in the office for the remaining one week trying to get the grips of what happened and planning on how I’d tell my parents. I did not file any resignation.
It is also interesting to note that aside from the one week (actually four days), the last day of the week would have been my regularization date. I did some investigation along the way that led me to file a case at the Department of Labor. It turned out that there are also some new folks in our team that got a similar bad rating but were eventually regularized.
It was so unfair. What standards did they use? Why discrimate me in such manner? I believe I performed well on the job, in fact, the performance appraisal for my last project gave me a very good rating. I have doubts that the company had other motives in removing me.
How come that I would not meet a minimum standard if those standards were not communicated to me in the first place? How come that they did not include or show me any proof of not meeting the "minimum" if there was indeed a standard?
My case is still pending and the company would not amend to a compromise agreement. Considering the justice system here, I am losing hope.
I am also having difficulty finding a new job because that company would surely give me a bad reference since I sued them. I was advised to remove that company from my resume, but how would I explain the six-month gap? Or shall I say, nine-month gap ( I have been out of a job for three months now, making it nine months)
My mother refuses to understand me and she is blaming me for all my miseries and hers! I am ashamed that of all people who should understand my dilemma, my mother would not care to support me or encourage me but instead, ostracize me for leaving my first job. All she does now is grumble and ask money to pay our bills and buy food.
I am lost. I wish I could get a decent settlement with that unfair and bad company but it will surely take time. I could recall the company lawyer harassed me in one of the hearings and persuading me to drop that case because I would lose against them.
What will I do now? I support my family and my savings are limited. Did I do the right things? What should I be doing next? Please advise. — Confused IT tech warrior
CHICO SAYS...Your story is one that is very close to my heart. I too was in the grips of a similar situation. But honestly, you can talk for hours as to the right and wrong way to approach this. But in my experience, it boils down to two very simple choices.
First, you can fight for what you think is right and you take it as far as you can, because you feel that a terrible injustice had been committed.
Pros? You can win, be vindicated, and get back what you feel is rightfully yours. You can prevent this company from doing the very same thing to many others who will come after you. You emerge victorious from a David and Goliath battle where you triumph over a bully company who pushed you around with fancy lawyers. And generally have the peace of mind that you did the right thing.
Cons? You could lose the case and end up not only with nothing, but with the stigma of being a troublemaker employee, affecting your chances of getting a new job. Some companies flinch at the idea of hiring someone who just sued their previous employer.
Second, you can just count your losses, pick yourself up, and move on with your life.
Pros? You can get back to a normal life as soon as possible. You avoid the financial and emotional stress that comes with lawsuits. You can put all this negativity behind you and start off on a clean slate.
Cons? You’ll have to deal with thoughts of what could’ve happened had you fought and won. That company will just have received validation that it can continue screwing its more timid employees.
Weigh all of this, and pick the choice you can most live with. Some people will never be happy unless they fight for what they believe is right. While others, on the other hand, thrive more when there is no stress or pressure from any sort of confrontation.
And there is always the third option, which is — what if there was no crime committed? What if for a fact, you didn’t meet their expectations? It’s just a thought that you might want to look into. What did I do? I opted to turn my back and move on. Many might find that I took the more cowardly choice, but my future was on the line and I felt I had to look out for number one.
I could not risk being branded a troublemaker even if I knew I wasn’t one and was merely righting a wrong. But I couldn’t risk not getting a job anymore. I believe in choosing my battles. Rather than risking everything on a winner-take-all rumble, I’d opt to run away and live to fight another day.
I know it’s the classic "noble versus practical" choice. But in retrospect, I believe I made the right choice. I like where I am right now, and even if some people thought I sold out or acted cowardly, in the end, the only person I am accountable to is myself. And if I’m happy with what I chose, then everyone else can just eat my shorts.
DELAMAR SAYS...All legal questions are of course being handled by your lawyer and I am sure they are in the better position to answer your questions.
From a layman’s point of view, I would say that it sounds like the company should at least tell you exactly what the reasons are that they have chosen not to regularize you. If they say that you did not meet standards, they should at least identify in what capacity you failed in so far as your job is concerned. I think it is only fair. And I suppose that should give you, the DoLE and the company itself some clarification and let the labor arbiter give a fair judgment.
As far as the question of did you do the right thing, well, you didn’t willfully jeopardize your own career and your family’s financial well being just for fun. When you took the company’s offer, you really thought that it was the best move for you. I don’t think you willfully made the wrong decision.
So, in as far as intention is concerned, I think you did the right thing. Besides, if everything worked out as planned and you ended up with double your salary from the first company, your family would be benefiting from the move as well. The reason your mother is saying what she’s saying isn’t because you did something wrong. It’s probably because she now has a problem in her hands and you’re the easiest target to blame.
My best friend worked hard for 8 years abroad enduring homesickness and being away from her friends. She then invested her money in a multi-level marketing scheme here in Manila which fell apart and somebody ran away with all the money.
Anyway, she was devastated. Like you, she was helping her family financially. She invested the money because she thought that she could finally come back to the Philippines and just live off on the earnings of her investment. Imagine her disappointment that she wasn’t coming home to stay and that all that she worked hard for all those years was gone.
Her family had a lot to say after that. Some of them wanted her to just stay put while they wait for a court decision. What she finally decided was that she would just go back abroad and work again. While everyone wanted to know who was to blame and who should pay and whatever else, she made up her mind that it was best that she go back to work instead of crying over spilled milk.
She said that she had nothing to gain if she wasted her time waiting instead of getting back on track with work. Whether or not she gets the money back she said she’ll have to go back to work to support herself and her family. So that’s what she did.
I suppose that’s the best advice I would have for you at this point. What’s done is done. Whether or not the DOLE decision is in your favor, you will have to look for a new job anyway. So, I think instead of focusing your attention on your mom’s lack of support or worrying about whether the labor dispute will be settled in your favor, I would probably encourage you to double your efforts in looking for a new job.
Don’t look back. What’s happened has happened. You can’t change that career misstep. But you still have some control on where you will go next. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t care what happens to your case, I’m just saying that it’s out of your hands now; it will be the DoLE which will decide.
For now the most important thing for you is to look ahead. Summon your strength so you can get back on the saddle, so to speak. Get back on your feet. Start looking around for openings. Set appointments for interviews. Ask people in the industry to keep you in mind if there’s an opening in their company. Send out your resumes.
For me, it is not the time to indulge in thoughts that just might set you back instead you should be busy with efforts to propel your forward.
6/22/05
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Jun 29, 2005 17:02:36 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Jun 29, 2005 17:02:36 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Somehow writing that salutation made this writing feel a bit unreal. Anyway, I’ve been an avid listener of your show. Every day, I’d look forward to listening to your Top Ten — actually it was two days’ worth of top tens that sort of pushed me to write to you — the "How would you react if your same sex best friend would tell you he/she loves you," and "Reasons to hold on to a dying relationship."
I’m gay - I suppose that’s a good place to start. When I was growing up, I’d have my fair share of knowing that I couldn’t be with certain people - but that wouldn’t stop me from falling for them. Needless to say, I feel for my best friend. Typical story. We could talk about anything - even the most inane things, and we’d still enjoy the conversation. Even if I knew that he’d be leaving the country, I decided that I love him anyway. For some time, I felt that he was reciprocating. We would go out - just the two of us. Even if he were busy, he’d communicate with me. We’d find ways to tell each other how our days were. No, actually, we’d tell each other how our afternoons and mornings were - right down to our hours and our minutes. He’d be very affectionate sometimes.
Then one day, he kissed me. He initiated it, and I knew that he liked kissing me. He even told me that he loved me. I was in heaven. Soon we got somewhat physical. We didn’t go overboard. But it scared him. A few days after we got physical, he said he suddenly felt uncomfortable about it. I felt shattered. I thought I’d lose him. I think I reacted violently. I felt frustrated and confused and angry. Still I assured him that I’d still be here for him. He was, and still is, my best friend. But now I regret reacting that way. He’s not affectionate at all anymore. We don’t text as often. I feel like he’s forgetting me. And that just tears me up.
Part of me refuses to believe that he doesn’t love me anymore. Part of me wants to hold on to what we have. Another part is telling me to forget him. But I can’t.
I don’t know what to do. I still want to hold on. But it gets difficult sometimes when I feel like he’s pushing me away. Maybe I’m just being my usual paranoid self. I want to talk with him - to tell him that I was wrong for reacting that way, that I’m here for him if he has issues to resolve.
That’s all.I wanted to get it out of my system. But I also wanted to get some advice.
CHICO SAYS... He’s either gay or straight. If he’s gay, then maybe the whole shock of physical intimacy freaked him out and suddenly, all the implications of having sex with you came rushing in like a flash flood. Maybe it suddenly dawned on him that he’d practically come out of the closet. Maybe he felt cornered and had to face many skeletons that he wasn’t ready to confront. Stuff like admitting to himself that he’s gay, admitting to someone that he’s gay, and even admitting to his family and friends that he’s gay — all these came crashing down on him when you guys got physical.
If he’s straight, maybe he got confused. Maybe you guys were together so much and shared so much genuine affection that he confused all that fondness for romantic love. Many straight men would tell you of similar homosexual episodes where they struggled with their then ambiguous sexuality. These experimentations didn’t make them any less straight, in fact these could very well have cemented in their heads just how straight they actually are – maybe it’s the sex itself that made them go, "hmmm...maybe this won’t do it for me."
You reacting violently didn’t exactly help your cause. Acting out the stereotype of the "clingy obssessed gay lover" could have rung the alarm bells in his head. But straight or gay, definitely the whole shebang spooked him a lot and he ain’t coming back for seconds — at least not anytime soon.
I think a good approach would be to give him the space he badly needs. I don’t think he’ll be in any mood to be touchy-feely with you in the next few weeks. In fact he could be craving the distance between you to give him time to take stock of what happened, and maybe to decide as to why he did what he did with you — is it because he was just experimenting or is he really gay?
Don’t expect him to be in a talky mood either. Remember, you went ballistic the last time he tried to tell you how he felt. I’m sure doesn’t want a part 2 of that. I know keeping away from him is killing you ever so slowly and painfully.
But remember, you know exactly how it is you feel about him. He couldn’t say the same for himself. The time may not be now, when the nerves are still frayed and the wounds are still raw, but I do believe that you two should talk this out. He’ll let you know when the time is right for that talk. Don’t push and don’t rush, just probe sensitively (no pun intended) as to when he is more receptive to talking about what happened. Relentlessly pursuing him would only feed the stereotype of the stalker homosexual.
And PLEASE, don’t say you want to talk to him because you don’t want to lose the friendship. You love him, and the friendship is just a smokescreen to mask your true intentions. Let’s call a spade, a spade. Don’t use the friendship as your sheep’s clothing. You basically want to know if you can still start again from where you last left off. Be a man and tell him exactly what you want from him and then respect what he says when he does the same for you.
If he says he loves you too, then bring out the champagne. If he says he’s straight and just doesn’t feel the same way about you, then that’s that. I think you’re just extra hurt because you came so close. Most unrequited loves don’t actually kiss you and tell you that they love you. It’s going to be tough, but it really takes two to tango.
If he doesn’t want to swing both ways, then leave it. You know exactly what you want, he doesn’t. And do yourself a favor, don’t go the friendship route. Don’t say, "okay, let’s just be best friends again", when actually you’re just buying time to see if the bitter fruit will fall once again from the branch into your loving arms. You deserve someone who’s not in the throes of an identity crisis.
DELAMAR SAYS...Why don’t you just ask him your questions? The shortest point from point A to B is a straight line.
So, to cut all the speculation and all the complication why don’t you just talk about what happened? It’s a simple approach to solving your situation but definitely not an easy one. Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest things to do. But if there will be anyone who can best help you make sense of what happened and what you should do next, it’s your best friend.
You and I can speculate all day and still it will be up to him to tell you the meaning of what happened and where he wants to go from there. I know you have fears in bringing it up with him, and that is understandable since it is your heart and your happiness at stake here. However, if you’ll want clarification and the final word on how to take all that’s happened between the two of you, you’ll have to muster all the strength to bring up the topic even if it means having to hear things that you may not want to hear.
You’re gay. And you’ve accepted that. But maybe he’s not clear about his sexuality. Maybe what happened between the two of you was something of a catalyst for him to understand himself better. It’s possible he’s confused and he needs time to think. It’s possible that being gay really freaked him out and he doesn’t want to deal with his homosexuality head on. It’s possible that he’s not gay but being close to you brought up feelings he usually feels for a girl and he needs to understand his newfound feelings.
It is especially confusing when you’re in your teenage years, too. Here we can come up with all sorts of scenarios but still the only thing that matters is what he thought of what happened. That’s why if I were you, seeing that you’re this confused and all torn up about what happened, I would bring it up with him.
Talk it over, if he’s willing. If he’s open to talking about it, then well and good so you can clear things up and put it behind you. But you should also prepare yourself for the eventuality that he might not want to talk about it at all.
If that’s the case, then there really isn’t anything for you to do except accept that he probably doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. I know that might be hard to take since you sound like you really love him but that can be the case.
In my opinion before you start worrying about anything, it’s best that you have a talk with him and try to understand what happened from his point of view and let him know yours too.
At this point it’s useless to decide on anything since you don’t know what he thinks. So try and talk to him. See if he wants to talk to you. If it turns out he doesn’t want to talk, then you’ll just have to accept that more than a statement of holding back or of not loving you at all, he might just not want to deal with it.
Unfortunately, not dealing with it also means not dealing with you. It sucks because here you are in pain and he doesn’t even want to clarify things up. But you do have to let him deal with it the way he wants to. If he doesn’t want to talk things over with you, I suggest you say what you have to say then walk away. If he wants to do anything then he’ll just have to make the next move. Throw the ball back in his court and see what he wants to do with it.
For your part though, you’ve done all you can. Sometimes that’s all that we can do.
6/29/05
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Jul 5, 2005 17:25:18 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Jul 5, 2005 17:25:18 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR ...I’m in my early 20’s and have lots of things going for me right now. I have a pretty stable job (which I love). I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of eight years who loves me so much. I’m earning so much that I can afford to have my own business and probably retire before I reach the age of 30. Yup, I’m pretty lucky. So what’s my problem?
Well, I’m pretty close to my immediate boss. Lately, we became intimate with each other. It started when we went to this business trip together. Now, we regularly go on personal trips so we can be together. He has a family and I can see he loves his wife and kids. We never really talked about what we have.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t normally do this. This is the first time I’ve been involved in this type of a situation. And according to him, its his first time with this type of situation also. At first, I found it ok. It was fun. I don’t feel attached with him at all, even up to now. Maybe what we have is purely physical, I’m not really sure.
Recently, I’ve been thinking if I should continue with this or not. I’m not feeling guilty about what I’ve been doing, never did. But I’m concerned about my future and the future of his family. What if people found out? We both hold top positions in the company and this would certainly bring us both bad reps. What if his wife finds out? Then that would surely be the end of us. What if my boyfriend finds out? So many what ifs.
But I don’t really want to end what we have, whatever it’s called. I like it. I like what we share. We both do. Please enlighten me. Thanks! - Chris
CHICO SAYS...You strike me as the typical, too fast, too soon, "I-have-everything-I-want-so-who-gives-a-flying-f**k-if-Istep-on-a-few-toes" kind of person. Sorry if I harshly stereotyped you as the heartless homewrecker, because if you aren’t one, then you sure are acting like one.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to launch into a tirade about how wrong you’re going about things. I’m pretty sure a smart girl like you would know the difference between right and wrong. What’s bothering me though, is the fact that there is little remorse in your heart, despite the knowledge of the amount of pain you’re inflicting on so many people — your boss’s wife and kids, your boyfriend — and all you can think about is how it could affect your job and your earning capability.
You seem to have very little regret about how many lies you have foisted on so many unwitting victims. This is why I so quickly lumped you into my generalization of the young hotshot. I would still like to think that you’re not a bad person. Youth is the only reason I could think of why you seem to lack any sort of contrition for your transgressions. Maybe you seem to have it all, that’s why you feel like the world is your private playground, and that anything and everything is at your disposal. And that the only reason you do these things, is because you can.
Your youth and your status in life afford you these cruel luxuries without the penalty of a conscience. What scares me for you, is the fact that life is an effective teacher, and that its lessons will be as hard as it takes to teach you. Contrary to what money and power may lead you to believe, no one is exempt from this. Sometimes, the only way to teach abundance a lesson, is to deal it with a blow of loss.
Maybe you don’t know what you have until you stand to lose them. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to have something precious taken away from you by someone who simply can. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to remember having everything when all you have is nothing. I can’t pretend to know what will happen in the future. All I know is that life has a way of making you face certain truths, whether or not you’re prepared to face them at that time.
Don’t be so cocky. Youth, just like money and power, can just disappear without a warning. Learn certain banalities like kindness, consideration, and compassion for your fellow man. You can’t just take what you want, when you want it. Hopefully you use your smarts to know when it’s time to bail out of a potentially hazardous situation.
And don’t be too big to feel sorry for injuries you inflict on others. Remember, the bigger you are, the harder you’ll fall.
DELAMAR SAYS...Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. CHEATING IS CHEATING IS CHEATING. There are no two ways about it. It is plain and simple.
Whoever it is who does the cheating, or how often it happens, or whether it means nothing except just sex, or whether you get caught or not, or whether there is pleasurable feeling you can get out of it, it is still cheating.
The bottom line here is that you are both deceiving people who love you and have committed themselves to you in an exclusive relationship. I don’t think there’s much gray area with the phrase "exclusive relationship." I don’t think you’re confused as to what you should or shouldn’t do. I’m sure you know even if it’s just in your head that what you’re doing is not right. With or without the guilt there is wrongdoing here on your part. There is a willful betrayal of trust here. There is lying and there is deceit. And I’m sure there will be a paying of consequences.
Some say "what goes around comes around"…some say there is no avoiding karma… I’m not saying that it’s easy to say no. It isn’t. But that’s what makes a temptation a real one. It can make you do what you know for a fact is wrong. But you go ahead and do it anyway because - IT FEELS GOOD. And all of us, bar none, I believe, are capable of cheating on our loved ones — you, me, and even another person reading this column right now.
It’s all a question of how tempting temptation must be before we finally take the bait. What makes all the difference is whether we decide to finally give in to the temptation or not.
You have so many what if’s. What if his wife finds out? What if my boyfriend finds out? What if people at the office find out? I think you’re more worried about paying the consequences of this illicit affair than really being bothered by the question of its morality.
You’re thinking more of what it would cost the both of you if people around you find out. You’re thinking more of losing this adulterous relationship than doing what is right for its own sake. Everything goes back to what YOU would lose more than how it would affect the people around you. I don’t think the feelings of those who love you factor into all this. And I suppose that’s what’s lacking in this situation.
You probably haven’t realized how devastating this relationship is to your boss’ wife, to his children, and to the man who loves you. I don’t think you have fully realized that you are potentially destroying a marriage, that there are real people involved here that could get hurt, that if this becomes public you would be robbing his children their father, and that you could end up shattering into a million pieces your boyfriend’s heart.
You are probably oblivious to the destruction infidelity can have on the people around the two people committing it. If you really knew how much havoc this will wreak on the lives of people who trust and love you, it would probably, at the very least, let you feel a pinch of guilt.
The very idea of your sexual enjoyment causing so many people so much hurt can be enough to stop you. Instead you’re more worried about being found out. If your affair were to become public the most that could happen is that you’d lose the respect of the people at the office. I don’t think you would lose your job. But what if you did? Losing a job, that’s easy compared to losing the people who have loved you faithfully. Being at the center of office gossip for a month or two is nothing compared to the hurt and humiliation you would inevitably pass on to the person you cheated on.
More than any other thing it is our decisions which ultimately defines us. It is our decisions that show us who we really are. It’s your move. What will you decide?
7/5
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Jul 12, 2005 16:21:21 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Jul 12, 2005 16:21:21 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...Guys, I am an avid listener and reader... I am a fan!
I invariably believe that "what you do not know won’t hurt you." My friend, Stifa and I met in the office and we really get along pretty well primarily because we are both single and eager to be in a relationship. Our conversation usually involves "what ifs"... She tells me about her crushes and the "could have been ex-es" that she had.
My other friend Many is a reserved guy who works in the same office. He never fails to make me laugh. I have never met anybody like him who can deliver a deadpan joke and make me holler. He was a mere friend and since we are tight. He became a friend of Stifa because of me.
One day, I saw Stifa’s notebook and when I accidentally saw her notes, I was astonished to see her playing FLAMES, the game that I used to play back in high school to determine if your are compatible with your crush. She had Many’s name written all over the notebook with hearts embellishing the guy.
She was shocked that I discovered her secret. I was confused as to why she didn’t tell me her feelings. Yes, she has been infatuated with this guy for three years now. She said she does not want to let me know because I am close to the guy. I thought I knew every single thing about her, and I was shocked to know that she kept it a secret from me. She told almost all her friends except me.
To prove to her that she has no threat, I played cupid. I paved the way for the guy to realize that the girl is a good catch. I made him see that she is everything he’s ever wanted. Their relationship progressed after that. They watched movies together and go out every Sunday night. They tried to include me but I begged off.
These days, I always see how happy Stifa is. She talks about him every single day. He is an answered prayer and they are getting somewhere, finally!
These days, I don’t understand my feelings. My smile seemed a little forced, my heart feels heavy every time she talks about him. I know I should be happy that I made my friends happier; however, I felt differently towards Many. I know I would not do anything to jeopardize their "would-be" relationship but I can’t stop what I am feeling. I resort to keeping my distance, hoping against hope that I could live in anonymity with my feeling forever embedded in my heart .Help me sort out my feelings... Forlorn
CHICO SAYS... Hmmm...you were quite cryptic with your letter so I don’t get a complete picture of your situation.
I see three possibilities.
First, you’re secretly in love with the guy. You felt compelled to be their bridge, but deep inside, you harbored romantic feelings for Many. For whatever reason —maybe because you felt he only sees you as a friend, or maybe you felt that he’s not attracted to you, or maybe you felt Stifa liked him first — you gave him up for your friend to have, even if it hurt your own feelings.
Second, maybe you’ve fallen in love with your friend. Many lesbian feelings don’t surface unless you meet someone who awakens it and makes it gasp for air. Maybe you didn’t realize you had feelings for her until she got it on with a guy. By then, you felt that you "lost" her to him, and mainly it’s thanks to your own handiwork. It’s tough to realize that you are the very architect of your own undoing.
Third, maybe you’re not in love with any of them, but merely feeling left out after your friends found each other, while you still search for the one who will find you. Maybe you fear that now that your two friends could very well end up with each other, that they would no longer have time for you. And maybe their newfound love and happiness only highlights the lack of those very same things in your own life.
If the case is that you’re in love with one of them, I’m afraid you’re in a pickle. You don’t really have the right to mess around with other people’s feelings, especially with your friends’ love lives. You can’t set them up, only to spring on them that you’re in love with one of them. It’s manipulative, hypocritical, and outright annoying! It’s like giving someone candy only to take it back after a few minutes because you realize you wanted it for yourself. Besides, it’s not like you can just take it back just because you say so.
If the two are already in love, the matter is completely out of your hands. If it’s just a simple matter of feeling left out, just let it go. Give them the benefit of a honeymoon period without having to worry about the best friend with abandonment issues. Be a friend and leave them be. Trust me, once the novelty of their romance wears off, they’ll miss you and will soon be craving for your company once again.
But in general, you strike me as someone who’s not very liberal with herself as far as emotional honesty is concerned. Try not to be afraid of your own feelings. You don’t have to share these feelings with others, if you don’t feel like it, but be honest with yourself. If you’re in love with someone, admit it to yourself. If you feel hurt by what other people did, tell yourself how pissed off you are. If you can’t even trust yourself with the truth, then be prepared to be shadowboxing with unseen demons for the rest of your life.
DELAMAR SAYS...Maybe you just didn’t see how good a catch he was until someone else finally snatched him. You weren’t together or anything but he was available. And even if it’s just the possibility that you could’ve been together that you’re mourning here, there is still a loss for you.
It’s just interesting that you should realize how great a guy he was because of your friend. Maybe there’s another explanation for your sudden change of feelings. Prior to knowing that your friend liked him you never harbored any romantic feelings for Many, right? At most, you found him funny and an enjoyable company but nothing to make your heart beat extra faster.
If you did, feeling this way now wouldn’t come as a surprise to you. But then again…what if the reason you suddenly feel like this towards Many is because now you see him through your friend’s eyes? You’re looking at him now the way your friend Stifa sees him. I mean, she has been telling you about how he was an answered prayer for her, you can see how happy she is with him and you see that their relationship is finally getting somewhere. All of a sudden he’s not just this extra funny officemate whose jokes made you laugh. Now you see him as this great catch who can make a girl happy. Maybe that girl could have been — YOU!
So, maybe it’s not so far-fetched to think that Stifa’s feelings for him ushered this sudden realization for you. Besides, you were in the same boat as Stifa before eager for great love affairs. You had a friend you could pine for love with. But now she actually is IN LOVE.
Though you do not want to begrudge her of her happiness, it’s human nature to wish the same for yourself…that you would find happiness as well.
Keeping your distance at this point in time might be the wisest thing to do. Just don’t avoid them too much that they start to suspect that something’s wrong. If either or both of them find out about this it might make things worse and more awkward among the three of you.
Try to keep it together and keep in mind that one, there’s someone else out there for you.
Two, Many and Stifa are not yet married so things could still change between them (not that you’re hoping for it…).
And three, that whatever pain you’re feeling now it will pass. At some point you’re turn to be happy romantically will come in due time. Maybe it will be with this guy or that…only time will tell.
In the meantime, you just have to patiently wait
7/13/05
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Jul 27, 2005 6:26:01 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Jul 27, 2005 6:26:01 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Hi guys, I always read you column. I think both of you are terrific advisers. I guess this is the day that I’m the one seeking help.
Well, let me tell you where it all started. I had a boyfriend for about half a year, but things didn’t work out. Then my best friend, who was my classmate way back in elementary and who I ran into again last year, confessed that he was in love with me.This despite the fact that he lives in another country. After sometime I realized that I liked my best friend so I broke up with my boyfriend .
After three weeks I said "yes" to my best friend. Even if he was on the other side of the globe he still made me feel so important and special to him, and I could really feel his sincerity. After some weeks he proposed to me and said that he was really ready for a lifetime commitment and responsibilties with me, even if he hasn’t seen me for almost a decade.
Since I love him so much, I said "yes" again. Now, both his parents know about our plan. My problem is that my mom doesn’t know a thing about our plan of getting married when he comes home this December. I’m afraid that she might not agree. She might think that we are still young ( I’m 23 and he is 24). Or she might say that we haven’t even seen each other personally, how could we decide to get married, that we maybe rushing into things. What should I tell her to convince her about our decision of getting married? Thank you so much. –Allie
CHICO SAYS... In my own humble opinion, I think trying to convince your mom that getting married is a good idea is the easy part. I know it’s probably not what you would want to hear right now, but all the questions you fear she might bring up, are VERY good questions to ask yourself right now.
Remember, you were coming from a very disappointing relationship, and here comes valiant prince charming, a good friend from your childhood, to sweep you off your feet and save you from a so-so boyfriend. The problem is, you haven’t been together long enough for the prince to trip up and show you his true colors. After that short meeting a year ago, basically you’ve only been corresponding.
To be honest, I don’t think two people can truly assess a relationship if it’s marriage material, unless you’ve both been together physically for a substantial amount of time. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe some great marriages were borne from long-distance correspondences, but I still feel that in general, it’s not enough.
I’m sure he’s a great guy. But you need to BE with each other — know how each other smells like, how your breaths smell in the morning, how your feet smell after work, how you eat, how you walk, how moody you get when you’ve had a tough day, how you snore and dribble spit when you sleep, how you behave with the household help, how you curse when you drive, how you argue over who gets to control the TV remote — I could go on for days. All I’m saying is, it’s easy for a guy to be Mr. Perfect through email or over the phone.
It’s easy to romanticize a person because you don’t see them humanized before your very eyes on a daily basis. Most regular relationships go through a honeymoon phase, where your lovey-dove can do no wrong. After that, you slowly see the yucky stuff, the parts you’d rather not see, but have to, since these are the things you have to live with for the rest of your married life. You never gave each other the chance to experience this part. Being oceans apart affords you to always put your respective best feet forward.
I’m not saying that he’s some evil serial cannibalslash-molester-slashkiller, but do yourself a favor and take your time to get to know each other better. Once you get married, one of you will have to move countries, and if either of you finds out that the person you married is not the life-partner you expected, it could turn very messy.
Marriage is not something you rush into. Many a broken home will attest to that. You will lose nothing to take it slow. I’m sorry if I ended up sounding more like your mother on this one, but sometimes, mothers DO know best.
DELAMAR SAYS...In my opinion getting engaged at 23 is quite young. And, it might not be the best circumstance to get married to a man you knew several years ago but haven’t seen for quite sometime.
I understand that you are both sincere with your intentions. That’s well and good. But there is something to be said about really getting to know the man you’re about to marry. Sure, you’ve known him since grade school but who he was then is hardly the man he is now. Much has most likely happened to him. Do you really know what kind of man he turned out to be?
And even if he’s been totally honest with you about his life, his feelings, and whatever else about his life over chat, you have to check what he has to say as against what he does. Those are two different things sometimes. A man can tell you he’s like this and that but he could be different with his actions.
All I’m saying is that getting to know someone is doubly hard when it’s long distance. That’s because the constant companionship can’t be there because of the distance. Besides, over chat (I’m assuming here that’s your primary way of communicating) people tend to put their best foot forward so you get the filtered version of them unlike if they’re there in front of you. And when you think about it, you’re a different person too from the grade schooler he knew years ago.
I know that this might not be what you wanted to hear but listen to the facts:
1. You both haven’t seen each other in a looooong time.
2. You both arrived at this decision via the Internet. It’s all been longdistance.
3. You haven’t been together long enough in close proximity as adults. There’s a lot you still have to know about each other.
4. This is an out-of-nowhere (at least for your family) and very short engagement.
Now, consider these points. I’m sure if you were your mom you’d probably tell yourself this is not the best of circumstances to get married in.
The best advice I could give you is this: you both should spend a lot of time together here. I mean, really be together. Go watch movies, have long conversations, and get a feel of how you behave physically towards each other, and just get to know each other all over again…IN PERSON.
And while you’re doing all this dating and getting to know each other, let your family know that this is going on. Let him come around your house and meet your folks. Don’t tell them yet that you plan to get married or that you’ve gotten engaged. Just let your family get used to the idea that he’s in your life in a very serious way.
Your mother might warm up to the idea if she is a witness to the both of you spending time together. I think she would be more allergic to the thought of you getting married to some kid you knew when you were in elementary than if she sees the relationship progressing for herself.
The only thing that your mother will be afraid of is that you didn’t really think about this decision, that it is out of nowhere, that you haven’t given the realtionship the chance to ripen into something serious. In other words, she just doesn’t want you to make a mistake by being rash. So take your time…besides, what have you got to lose anyway? By slowing the pace of things you have everything to gain.
One, you will just get to know the man you want to spend the rest of your life with better. And two, it will just give your family enough time to get used to the idea of this new serious relationship…
Marriage is too serious a decision. It’s for a lifetime. It is life altering. Give your decision the benefit of time so that you can be more sure.
7/27/05
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Jul 27, 2005 6:30:38 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Jul 27, 2005 6:30:38 GMT -5
DEAR CHICO AND DELLE...I’ve been reading your column for a long time now. My problem is this: I have a terrible life.
I’ve been dealing with this problem even before, but I really don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to my bestfriend, my relatives (they don’t care), my sister and mostly my mom.
My father is a composer of political jingles, a painter, an artist and a media person. One time, a politician came to our house as one of his clients. He is very popular and comes from a very famous clan. He’s been divorced for six years and has four children.
I fell in love with him. He was ok with my parents and he was actually a favorite of my mom. He became my first boyfriend.
One time, he invited me to go out, and I said yes. I was expecting him to take me back to his house. We talked, exchanged stories. After mereinda, I felt really dizzy and fell asleep.
When I woke up I was already naked. I was only 18 at the time and studying. My doctor confirmed with me that I was not a virgin anymore.
Of course I didn’t like what happened. I told my bestfriend and asked for her advice. She told me that it was better to tell my mom, which I did. The thing is, my mom told me that I liked what had happened between us.
For God’s sake, what woman would be happy to have that happento her? They began to insult me, tease me; my English teacher even called me a politician’s mistress. I even got fired from my part-time job. My parents had been beating me because of what happened. Please help me, I dont know what to do. -Pam
CHICO SAYS... Forgive me in advance because I think I’ll be a bit harsh with how I read your situation.
First of all, I don’t exactly understand what you meant by you got dizzy, slept, and when you awoke, you were naked and obviously taken advantage of sexually. If it were the case, shouldn’t you have done something immediately? Shouldn’t you have screamed rape and gone to the police and had yourself examined by a doctor?
Of course, it’s never easy to just stand up and say you’ve been molested, but I guess what I’m saying is, I’m not sure if you know exactly what it is you’re accusing this man of.
First of all, you knew that you both were going to his place after your date. Usually, when a woman agrees to go to a man’s house on the first date, again I stress usually, not always, but usually, it means she’s open to sharing certain "intimacies". I’m saying this to play devil’s advocate.
I’ll treat this as how one would treat a story that has two sides. Let me give you two scenarios: one, you went out on a date with him, went to his place after, had sex, then hell broke loose after people found out about it. People started making fun of you, deriding you, and you end up regretting what you did because it made you feel cheap. Therefore you made up a side story of you being drugged and raped.
If this is the case, then it’s a burden you’ll have to bear. I’d suggest you lay low and and let your reputation heal slowly and naturally. In the Philippines, nobody’s a sinner or saint for long — you’re only as holy or sinful as the latest small town gossip will have you.
The second scenario is that you went out on a date, you went to his place after, he drugged you, and raped you while you were unconscious. If this is the case, then you have to speak up now, even if you think no one believes you.
True, it would’ve been better if you spoke up earlier, but it’s never too late to right a wrong. Go to your parish priest for guidance or some organizations that you can go to for help like the women’s crisis center (9267744/9225235). They will be able to guide you along when no one else will believe you. If the truth is on your side, then you’re on the right path.
DELAMAR SAYS..Pam, my heart goes out to you. Rape is really a vicious crime. Not only does it do physical and sexual harm to the victim, it also casts doubt on the victim’s character as well.
If this were a crime of robbery, you won’t hear people asking if the person deserved to be robbed. If it were a crime of hit and run, you won’t hear people asking if the victim was asking for it. But rape somehow manages to deflect the blame from the one who committed the crime to the one who got hurt by it.
Many times people say the woman deserved it because she was overly flirtatious, or dressed too sexily, or that she’s known to enjoy having sexual relations. As if being all these things, even if it were true, was reason enough for a man to force himself on you. It’s as ridiculous as saying that a person deserved to be robbed because he had too much money or someone deserved to die because he was too lively. It’s preposterous.
I’m sure the people around you have trouble believing your claim because you were boyfriend/girlfriend. But even then sexual contact without consent is still rape. It matters little if the man is your boyfriend or husband. As long as he forces himself onto you against your will that is rape. How could you have given your consent if you were drugged? Apparently, he was determined to take what he wanted with you conscious or not. My heart goes out to you because no one is taking this crime against you seriously. Not even your own mother.
My advice really is: go to a support group that has been professionally trained to handle the matter of rape. That would include your psychiatric, legal and emotional needs.
There are several women’s support group out there but one that I know about is the Women’s Crisis Center. I implore you to get in touch with them at the soonest possible time. Please.
Talking to a friend might not be enough at this point. And seeing that your family is not taking it seriously, you might need to depend on the help of highly trained strangers.
I can only imagine how it’s been for you and I wish things had been different. However, they are not. And now is the time to be strong for yourself. You have to take care of YOU. If nobody in your family will do it, then you will have to be strong enough on your own.
Summon the inner diva inside you. The part of you that knows you don’t care what people will say about you because you will do what needs to be done. That part of you that knows that you will have to care of No.1. I know it is difficult for you to have everybody around you ridicule you after being raped, as if it wasn’t hard enough just to be a victim of that crime. But I just hope that you know that not everybody is like that.
There are people who know that this is a crime and that no woman ever wants this to happen to her. There are people who will listen. There are people out there who will take you seriously and will try to extend to you the help you need, you just have to be strong enough to ask for that help.
7/20/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:10:01 GMT -5
Love doesn?t work, romance is dead, and men are all about sex?
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...Hi guys! Just call me Veruca. I?ve never really seen myself as one who?d write to you guys, ever. And most especially not about romantic problems.
Among my friends I?m usually the realist, the one who?d be the first to say that so and so?s boyfriend may be cheating on them. It?s not that I?m against romance, because I?ve been in a few relationships myself, and have had my share of kilig moments. It?s just that I just call things as I see them.
Here?s where my problem comes up. Mike?s always been a close guy friend of mine, all the way back to college. We had so much in common people wondered why we didn?t hook up. It?s not like the thought hadn?t crossed my mind before, but the two of us just didn?t come together as an item in college.
When we graduated, Mike still kept in touch with me, and would often ask me out. Initially, I thought of these dates as nothing more than two friends? enjoying a night out. But as the dates became more frequent, and his texts became more and more personal, I began to think that perhaps this was something else, and I?d be a hypocrite if I didn?t say I enjoyed this new development. He never really said anything out loud, but I sort of took it that everything was already understood between the two of us.
Eventually, things took their inevitable turn and we ended up having sex. At this point I expected him to come out and tell me that the two of us were already an item, but he never did. It didn?t bother me initially?we still continued on our dates?but as the weeks progressed I began to get impatient.
Finally, I couldn?t bottle it in anymore and I told him everything I felt. He seemed to take it really well, at first, and I thought we would be moving our relationship to another level. But what happened was that he began to distance himself from me so subtly that I never knew what was happening until he just stopped showing up and stopped answering my texts. It was like he suddenly disappeared.
Was the end of this relationship my fault or his? In the back of my mind I feel like I know what?s going on in his mind and his reasons for suddenly disappearing, but I guess I just need to hear it from somebody else for me to really accept it. I guess I?m as infatuated with the idea of a perfect romance than I would like to admit. - VERUCA
CHICO SAYS...I hate to assign blame in any falling out in a relationship because it usually takes two to make a mess of one. But for the sake of simplifying the proceedings, let me generalize and say that it?s probably more of his fault.
For whatever reason, apparently he changed his mind midstream and decided that the romantic version of your relationship was not his cup of tea. I can venture many guesses ? maybe the sex wasn?t hot, maybe he suddenly found the idea of being intimate with you slightly incestuous, maybe things moved to fast for him (whether physically or emotionally), maybe he freaked out because you might want a serious relationship and he?s not ready to be in one, maybe he?s just simply confused at how the dynamics suddenly changed and didn?t know how to deal with it, or maybe he just bit off more than he can chew ? but it all boils down to a common reaction a lot of men resort to when confused ? they flee.
I?m not saying he?s staying away forever, but I?m not counting out the possibility of him coming back once his head is clearer either. Maybe he needs time to figure things out for himself before he faces you. Maybe the reason he?s avoiding you and avoiding talking to you, is precisely because he wouldn?t know what to tell you, since nothing makes sense to him at this point!
My advice, leave him be. If he?s a coward and chooses the easy way out and just disappears from your life without even the benefit of closure, then so be it. It?s not worth the trouble of the chase.
If he?s just buying time before he has the courage and the clarity to face you, then be a friend and give him that space. He?ll face you when he?s good and ready. Remember, this is only baffling to you because you knew that you wanted to take it to the next level.
It may not have been as clear to him when it happened. It could very well have hit him like a wall of bricks. Suddenly he was boinking his college best friend. Was it love? Was it lust? Was it friendship confused as romantic love? Heaven knows what?s swirling around in his head right now.
Hopefully, when the smoke clears, he?ll be man enough to give you what?s due you. It isn?t your fault ? not by a mile. You both swam in waters you knew nothing about. You floated effortlessly, he began sinking like a rock. Next time, get a swimmer.
DELAMAR SAYS...Men are a lot easier to understand compared to women. They don?t play games as much as we do. And their actions are usually unequivocal. If they want you or a relationship with you, trust me, you?d know about it. They don?t play coy like most women. So, your guy?s sudden unavailability in your life is telling. And it is likely that it is what you already suspect that it means.
If he had wanted more he would have already sealed the deal already. He would have made it clear that he wants you exclusively. But he didn?t. He hasn?t. And he?s made himself scarce. The message is clear and simple. He had fun but he?s not likely to commit.
Being the realist that you are, I?m sure you already knew that. You didn?t need for me to break the code for you. I guess you just wanted confirmation. And I agree with you.
I think he believed you a little too much. You played the I?m-the-realistic-unromantic-type card for so long he believed you. He probably believed you didn?t buy any of the romantic stuff and that you would get into bed with someone without the accompanying romantic notions women always have when they do.
He probably assumed that you could have a friends-with-benefits-arrangement since you didn?t believe in attaching romance to sex. The problem was that you weren?t in it just for the sex. You fell in love with him little by little, day by day long before you ever slept with each other. Going to bed with him was just the culmination of your feelings for him and what you hoped was also the confirmation of his for you.
What you wanted most of all, in my opinion, was to be proven wrong. You wanted him to prove that love DOES work, that romance is NOT dead and that men CAN really fall in love and be faithful. What girl wouldn?t hope for all that deep down, right?
But he just proved you right ? love DOESN?T work, romance IS dead, and men ARE all about SEX at least as far as this situation is concerned. He confirmed everything you said you believed but secretly hoped it wasn?t true. But you?ll have to take responsibility for some of what went wrong. You will have to see how your actions brought you this result.
It was a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you advertise yourself as a realist then you?ll most likely attract unromantic type of guys. Of course, the romantic ones will steer clear of you for fear that you?ll break their hearts. That?s the problem when we?re not honest whether with partners or with ourselves. Truth will collect sooner or later. We find out the hard way that it?s a lot less complicated to just be honest and vulnerable.
The truth is, you want love, you hope and pine for it the way the rest of us do but you?re afraid that it will disappoint you. So you came up with this shield that you didn?t believe in love so you would be protected from the hurt that it can inflict. But where are you now? It didn?t help much, did it?
Look, I know I sound like I?m blaming you for all this but that?s not my intention. I just want you to see that this situation is largely your own doing which means you?re not a helpless victim. And that only means you have the power to change it. Taking responsibility for it is when you will truly grow up.
Being jaded is overrated. Don?t blame love. Don?t blame men. Look inward so you can make the necessary adjustments to make sure this doesn?t happen by your own doing again. I mean, that other future relationships will break your heart is almost a certainty but what you want never to happen again is to have created the situation that ended up breaking your heart into a million pieces.
My hope is that you?ll be honest and sincere when you put yourself out there. I?m not saying advertise your vulnerability so other types of men can use you but don?t over compensate either. I hate clich÷Ÿbut just be yourself with no pretensions. You?ll probably have better luck hooking up with a guy truly worthy of your love, or at the very least it will be a lot less complicated. The men will know that what they see is what they get with you.
I know that having your heart broken sucks. But don?t give up just because on your first honest try at love you failed. Give yourself time to get better at it. There are more misses that hits in love. And we will just have to try and try until we get it right.
8/3/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:11:24 GMT -5
My mom may be an alcoholic
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELLE...Hi guys! I?m an avid reader, and I?ve always admired the sound advice you?ve handed out to those who?ve written to you guys.
I?m Nancy, and I live with my mother and kid sister. My father passed away when my sister and I were both very young, and since then my mother has raised us both by herself. She put me through college, and now I?m helping put my sister through college as well. I have nothing but utmost respect for my mother.
That?s precisely why I?m writing to you guys now, because I?m afraid that my mom might be an alcoholic, and I don?t know how to approach her about it.
I think it began when my sister had to move to a dorm since her college is very far from our house. The three of us have a very close relationship, and we were all sad about being separated. However, I think my mom took it harder that my sister and I, because she became grumpy for a whole week afterwards. When that week passed, she told me that she had gotten over it, and when things returned to normal, I thought everything had.
A month after that, I was offered the graveyard shift, and even if the pay was much better, the hours were vicious. I asked my mother if she would be okay with it, and that I wouldn?t accept it if she didn?t want me to, but she told me that it was all right.
For months after that, my mom and I were unable to interact as often as we wanted to. I spent as much time with her as I could on my days off, and it seemed then that everything was going smoothly.
It?s only now that I?ve been promoted and my hours are much more relaxed that I?ve begun to notice things. While cleaning I?ve found a lot of beer bottles in the house, and when I confronted my mother about it she told me that she didn?t drink them all by herself, and that she had friends over and had a couple of bottles at most.
But now I?ve caught her ? several times ?drinking even in the middle of the day, and even if she?s always remorseful, I?ve begun to doubt her.
Am I just being paranoid? It?s not like I?ve actually caught her drunk. Should I have at least got her a companion when she was alone? And how do I confront her without sounding ungrateful for all the great things she?s done for me and my sister? I hate that I have to doubt my own mother?s character, and I can?t help but feel that maybe I should have noticed things sooner, and that all of this may be my fault.
CHICO SAYS...First of all, I don?t think you?re paranoid. You?re seeing things that didn?t use to be there. Like they say, when you see smoke, there could very well be a fire.
True, maybe to accuse your mom of being an alcoholic might be a bit harsh, but who is to say your suspicions aren?t spot-on? Like you said, there isn?t anyone who is with her 24/7, someone who could monitor any change in habits. And even if let?s say that she doesn?t have an alcohol dependency, it?s quite obvious that she?s going through some kind of personal crisis.
Maybe you and your sister?s sudden independence frightened her. Maybe you girls were the only reason she was living for. With her job done, suddenly her relevance in this world seemed to shrink with every passing minute. All her life she was fighting for you two. Now that the fight is over, she feels useless and obsolete.
This is very common with fathers who retire after years of being workhorses. A lot of people deteriorate once their raison d?etre bids them adieu. Alcoholic or not, I think your mother needs to know that she is still needed by the people who matter most to her ? that?s you and your sister.
Maybe you can spend a little more time with her, take her out to lunch and the movies, or other bonding activities. Tell her about your problems; parents love it when their kids go to them for advice ? it makes them feel parentally valid. Whether it?s about work, or love, or your health, anything that basically says, "I?m in trouble and you?re the only one who can help me sort things out".
It would also be nice if you and your sister could surprise her with a little gathering (it doesn?t have to be grand or expensive), where you invite close friends and relatives for a little reunion in her honor. If her birthday is coming up, that would be perfect. If not, just a little party to honor a wonderful mom who deserves some time in the spotlight. She would so love this unexpected fete to honor a mother who gave up so much for her kids. These little things will boost her maternal pride to unbelievable heights.
Long term things you can do is to get her started with either a hobby or a little business, or a hobby that will earn her a little cash here and there. Just to get her busy with something. An idle mind can wreak havoc on a woman in her autumn years.
Now these things are if she doesn?t have a problem yet. But if you confirm that she has an addiction to alcohol, then maybe it?s time to seek professional help. You can consult a family doctor who?s close to the family, or you can talk to a therapist to help you out. We all need a reason to go on living ? help her find that reason.
DELAMAR SAYS...Not all people who are lonely turn to alcohol for comfort. I say this just to show you that your mother?s alcoholism is not your fault. She could?ve easily turned to something else but she chose alcohol. (If it is indeed true that her drinking has gotten out of control.) It only means that that is your mother?s decision.
We all must bear some measure of loneliness in this life but that doesn?t automatically mean that we turn on ourselves when we get a little low. Some people find comfort in their ?kumares? or ?kumpares? or their grandchildren or badminton or travelling, etc. So, to say it was your fault she became alcoholic is probably not accurate.
So what can you do? I would suggest that you and your sister talk to her and confront her about the problem. Confrontation here doesn?t mean having a fight. It only means that you call your mother?s attention to a problem that you think she?s ignoring or hiding. It?s to show her that you see her loneliness and not just the part where she gets drunk.
You?d have to show her you recognize that something?s wrong and that her getting drunk is just a symptom of a deeper problem. And then give her a chance to have her say on the matter. Ask her what?s really going on. Ask her with a tone of concern and make sure she understands that you want and you?re ready to help.
It may be a good idea to spend more time with her. And she might be more likely to talk about what?s going on if she sees you spending time at home where she can approach you whenever she feels ready to talk. Go out together for dinner or watch a movie regularly so that she can feel she?s not alone and that her daughters are still very much a part of her life.
If that doesn?t work then it might be time to call on people trained for this specific problem. You can have an authority figure talk to her like a pastor or a priest, whatever your religious persuasions are. Or you can contact a guidance counsellor from the Women Crisis Center. They can also help you out with options.
The sooner you act on the matter, the less chances it can get worse. And I don?t think your mother will question your actions. You have every right to talk to her honestly about a problem that?s affecting her and your whole family. You only have each other. And if you don?t have a right to step in and try to help, who else will?
8/10/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:12:57 GMT -5
The ex-ugly duckling who wants to be remembered
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Hi! I?m Penny. I just turned 16 a month ago, and in my final year of high school. I actually feel a bit ashamed about writing to you about my problem, because I feel like it?s a bit shallow compared to the problems you guys usually deal with in your column. It?s just that I?m a little bit shy about opening this topic up with my family, and I thought you guys would be the perfect people to go to.
You see, when I was just a high school freshman, I wasn?t exactly very popular, or very pretty, for that matter. I was more of the really shy tomboy that nobody really noticed.
I didn?t really become an academic powerhouse?I?m incredibly inept with numbers?but I did manage to excel in my English classes, and even managed to win a few inter-school writing competitions here and there. Not that that helped me any with the whole high school social scene?I was still pretty much a nobody, even to the geeks. How?s that for a self-esteem booster?
But during the summer before senior year, I...erm...developed. Physically. And it seemed that I didn?t just develop, I became pretty. Boys began to notice me, and the girls who usually wouldn?t give me the time of day now want to go the mall with me.
And that?s precisely my problem. I feel so uncomfortable with all this attention that everybody?s been giving me. How does one deal with all these people without getting tired? I can?t find the strength to say no to any of them because I?m so afraid of being labeled as a jerk, but I just don?t have anything in common with some of them!
I?m also afraid that I?m going to be remembered more for being the ugly duckling that suddenly became a swan rather than for being good at writing. I?d really rather be remembered for the latter rather than the former. How can I shed some of this unwanted attention without ending up looking like a snob? How can I make people see that I?m more than just a pretty face? Oh my God, I sound like a bimbo. - Penny
CHICO SAYS...Wow, you have a problem most people would die for. I could almost see myself when I was in school (except I wasn?t a tomboy and I went from ugly duckling to ugly duck)! Most geeks dream of blossoming into the popular girl or boy and have all the people who used to ignore you, now grovel at your painted toenails.
We have one difference though. I can forgive, but like an elephant, I never forget. I don?t think I can muster any strength to fake some semblance of fondness for the people who treated me like pond scum when I was uglier. Even if they embrace me with gusto, I would know that it?s only because I look better now. That?s just as bad as ostracizing me!
I don?t like the idea of acceptance based on looks. What if you wake up ugly again? Do you think these hangers-on will stick around for the second act? I don?t think so. It?ll be, "call me when you?re pretty again". Most of my lifelong friends were those who loved me and wanted to hang out with me even if I was the biggest LOSER on campus. I looked like a pigeon-chested cotton bud with my huge megamelon of a head, with thick glasses and oily, acne-pockmarked skin. Yet it mattered not to my barkada with whom I had the most fun in years.
I don?t need those people who brushed me aside just because I looked ungainly. I didn?t need them when I was ugly, and like hell I don?t need them now, when I?m hot and popular. You can refuse to hang out with people you?re not interested in without being a jerk.
You have every right to choose only which people you will invite into your circle of friends. That?s every person?s prerogative. You?re still acting like that ugly duckling, forcing yourself to like these popular kids just because they?re the in-crowd. Don?t get me wrong, if you really genuinely get along with these people, then by all means, hang out with them.
But if you?re only also measuring their worth to you based on how attractive or popular they are, do yourself a favor and transcend that. Don?t let go of your writing. Talent is much harder to come by than beauty. Beauty can fade, talent lasts much longer.
There?s nothing wrong with being remembered for being the ugly duckling turned swan. But even better is being remembered as the ugly duckling turned swan who?s one hell of a writer. I?d hate to sound jaded, but as for those social-climbers, they?re dead weights as far as I?m concerned.
DELAMAR SAYS...I think most people want to be remembered for something. That?s human. The problem is that we can?t control what part of our lives people will take with them to remember us by.
You?re good at writing. That?s a fact. You transformed from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. That?s a fact too. Both are undeniable. But it is beyond your control how people will sum you up in high school.
I mean, I understand you want to be remembered for your writing skills because it shows a more accurate picture of you, but let?s face it, your Cinderella moment makes for a better headline. And as such it just might label your life in high school?well, in the eyes of your classmates anyway.
You have to understand that they will not remember you as a good writer especially if they?ve never read any of your work. You yourself said that you don?t have much in common with the people who now seek you out. It might not be so inaccurate to say then that they don?t like reading or writing as much as you do. So, it?s more likely for them to remember that you were the girl who turned lovely overnight than the girl who wrote well.
I mean, how many people in the world?s population really read? Compare that against the people who enjoy looking at beautiful people? That?s the reason why people will remember you more for your looks than your talent. That doesn?t say anything about you; it just says a lot about human nature.
But here?s the good thing: you excel in both writing and looking good! Just because they?ll remember you as good looking doesn?t mean they?ll forget you were a good writer.
So, what to do about being suddenly popular? I hate using clich÷Ÿbut in this case it?s just so appropriate to say well ? BE YOURSELF. Yeah, you don?t want to be a snob. But you don?t want to be a fake either. So, give people a chance. Be nice and polite to everyone. Find common interests with them. Then do things you like together. You?ll know that friendship is in the offing because it feels right.
Don?t force it if you?re not inclined. Don?t expect that you?ll be great friends with everyone. Some people will be more interesting to you than others. You will inevitably gravitate towards people you share things with and them to you. Maybe you?ll even get the gaggle of geeks you?ve long been pining for to belong to? They can?t ignore you anymore. You?re the beautiful geek now!!! Kidding.
Expect the stream of people seeking your company to plateau at some point. It?s just that you?ve had your debut as a swan and for some time people will be excited about the "new big thing" and that?s you...at least until the next one.
They?ll all try to vie for your friendship but the choosing will be up to you. And as long as you?re not mean to anyone and you give people a fair chance then you?ll be fine. As for being a snob...well, as long as you don?t ignore people just because you think they?re socially inferior to your new found status then you?ll be okay. You?re just not used to all the attention and you don?t know what to do with it.
Look, just do what you were doing before and you?ll get to show people what you?re about. Keep on writing. Let them get interested in what you?re interested in. Hopefully eventually they?ll understand that there?s another side to you more than just being the "hot new thing".
Finally, I hope you embrace not just your great mind but your physical self as well. One part doesn?t have to negate the other. They?re equal parts of what makes you, well, YOU! The important thing is that you know that being good looking is not who you are, it?s just a part of who you are.
8/17/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:13:55 GMT -5
Teacher?s ?pet?
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELLE... Hi there. I?m an avid, avid radio listener and reader of your column. You always make sense in your advices and I really admire you for that.
I?m writing now because I want to hear what you have to say about my situation. I?m a junior college student at one of the best universities around and I am proud to say, ehem, that I have always been a consistent honor student. Since grade school until now, I have always managed to keep my grades above average.
Don?t get me wrong. I?m no N-E-R-D. I love studying and getting high grades but I also know how to have fun. Aside from giving pride to my parents, it makes me happy that at least, with that aspect of my life, I am ok and I am set.
The thing is this semester, I think I will have a hard time. You see, I started on the wrong footing with one of my professors. There was a time that I couldn?t control myself and corrected a glaring error in of his points. I did it politely ? honestly. But I guess he is one of those people who does not want to be corrected, or his mistakes be pointed out. Eversince then, he would glare at me, or call me when nobody seemed to know the answer. In short, pinag-iinitan nya ko. He assigned me a topic to report, contrary to what he did with my other classmates who were all given choices.
Also, he is very close to another prof of mine, whom I think was briefed about the incident. Pati siya pinag-iinitan na din ako.
I don?t know what to do anymore, Chico and Delamar. I study harder than usual, and make sure that I pass my requirements on time. But they don?t seem to let the issue go. It seems that this will be the first time I may be getting a failing mark, all because of what I did.
My parents do not know about this because I am afraid they might raise hell over this issue and march off to the school. That will aggravate the situation I know. I do not want either to talk to any officials of the school because I know that I do not stand a chance against these profs because they are respected in the department.
I am not asking for a preferential treatment, just the usual treatment that they give the other students. And I am not imagining things because my classmates have begun to notice this ??special?? treatment that they are giving me.
What do I do, Chico and Delle. I can?t sleep at night and I have begun to be paranoid for the little things I say and do in school, or in any class. I am afraid that it might happen again. Please, please, please, help! - Nina
CHICO SAYS... If there is one thing I learned in this unpredictable life, it?s this ? LIFE IS NOT FAIR.
I hate to be the harbinger of such obvious cliches, but it?s true. What?s good about school, is that no matter what you do, it?s just the rehearsal for the real world. Whether you do well or not, it?s still just a grade. As any graduate will tell you, grades and honors and medals can help, but it doesn?t guarantee success.
What?s good about school, is that here is where you learn how things work in the world of grown ups. You learn things like, learning to choose your battles. Had you realized that it wasn?t a good idea to point out a teacher?s mistake even if you were correct, you wouldn?t be in this fix now, would you?
I?m not saying that we should be apathetic and let the teachers spread lies and misinformation, but what I am saying is that we can?t decide to right every wrong at every chance we find it. We have to choose which battles will be worth fighting, and which we just have to pass because we need to live to fight another day.
School is not just about books and grades, it?s about politics, and reading people, and knowing how to deal with different personalities and situations. Journies are never linear, with the starting point and the destination connected with a straight line. Sometimes you have to learn to adapt, and bend, and modify your path to get to where you want to be.
True, it was very wrong for your teachers to give you a hard time just for correcting them. But you know what, once you get a job, you will find bosses upon bosses who will crucify you for nothing more than a perceived arrogance based on a swagger in your walk. Don?t expect people to be reasonable. Don?t expect people to always give you your due. Don?t expect rewards for every job done right.
You have to learn such social arts as "pakikisama" and "diskarte." I?m sorry if I?m painting such a bleak portrait of the world you?ll be facing soon, but better prepared than have your rose-colored glasses shatter into blade-sharp shards of glass that slice into your eyeballs once you get a bloody reality check.
Back to your teachers ? well, you can always be heroic in an epic way and fight the system. Tell the authorities and take it as far as you can, and tell as many ears that will hear you. Personally, I don?t have the stomach for that. If I were in your shoes, I?d just try to be as humble as I can during their subjects, study as hard as I can to pass their subjects, then learn my lesson so that I don?t alienate anymore future teachers, and chill.
Like I said, the stakes are still small in school. You can still afford to make mistakes. It isn?t your fault that your teachers are pompous sleazebags, it?s your fault that you didn?t assess the situation better to make it work in your favor.
DELAMAR SAYS... Let me just say this right off the bat, although your professor might have been wrong, it was NOT, repeat, NOT your place to correct him. And most certainly not in front of his class. Unless you were asked in front of the class point blank, you really shouldn?t have corrected him the way you did.
Even though you did it as "nicely" as you say you did, let?s face it, you chipped off his authority and you embarrassed him in front of the class. I?m not entirely sure of your intention, so I will assume that you had the best kind at heart but the way you executed it was definitely misguided.
I would understand if you were unclear as what to believe between contradicting facts and asked him to clarify but the way it sounds you jumped to the conclusion that he was incorrect and that you were correct. In other words, you didn?t even bother to ask him to clear up the contradiction. You didn?t give him a chance to correct himself. You just proceeded to assume you were right and he was wrong and you corrected him?in front of the class without a second thought.
Keeping in mind your place and his place in the classroom, it wasn?t the most sensitive nor tactful way to approach the situation. Some would even call what you did unethical because you didn?t take into consideration the position of the teacher you were correcting nor the students who will have lost some ounce of respect for the teacher.
It might be that you were just thinking of what you wanted to say at the time and did not think of what effects it will have on everyone. I know you probably didn?t mean him any harm; I will give you the benefit of the doubt that there was no malice in what you did. I guess, it was just a? "lapse in judgment?"
But if you were the teacher and you had the whole class in front of you I don?t think you would have appreciated a student unceremoniously correcting you as if he/she was your peer. Let?s face it, the subordinate isn?t supposed to correct a superior (unless expressly asked). A peer or a superior, however, has the right and privilege to do that. You were neither.
If I were you and if the teacher was the kind you could reason with, I would definitely apologize for not knowing my place in the class. You may be right but that doesn?t change the fact that it just wasn?t your place to do what you did.
To make matters worse, you corrected him in front of the class. That makes the offense worse. So, the best way to remedy the situation, at least in my opinion, is to tell him/her you?re sorry. In private, please. Let him decide what he will do with your apology. But you do owe him that.
Show him that you see your fault and let him make the next move. If he still doesn?t let up with the "special treatment," I guess it?s time for you to ace all assignments and reports or drop the class to avoid a failing grade. You?d be under loaded which might affect your honor standing but at least you avoid what might be a failing grade in your transcript.
As for the teacher who had nothing to do with it, leave him/her be. Your main beef is with the teacher you corrected so your priority should be to rectify that situation. That teacher anyway will just follow the cue of the other teacher so leave it alone in the mean time.
Sometimes it isn?t just enough to know what the right thing is. It is important to know your place in a particular situation as well. Being sensitive to this can only help you when you finally go out there in the real world where you will get to deal with office politics, bosses and colleagues. Being right isn?t always right, remember that. Knowing when to say things and to whom shows wisdom and good judgment.
8/24/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:14:55 GMT -5
Girl anorexic
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Just call me Jenny. I?m 18 years old, a college sophomore, and have been with my boyfriend for something close to four years. We first met in high school, and I was incredibly surprised when he asked me out because he was the school stud back then and I was a tad overweight. I had thought that it was a bet or a cruel joke in the beginning ? kinda like "She?s All That" or something ? but after a year of resolutely sticking it out with me I was finally convinced that he really meant it.
We?ve been through a lot together. He was always beside me in high school whenever I got picked on because of my weight, and when his parents separated when he was 16, I was also there to give him a shoulder to cry on. We tell each other everything, or at least used to. I use the past tense because I have something I?ve been keeping from him.
You see, the summer before sophomore year, I managed to lose a lot of weight. It certainly was not for my boyfriend?s benefit; he?s already told me dozens of times before that he couldn?t care less how much I weighed. I lost the weight because I no longer felt healthy about it, and because I had found it harder and harder to be proud of myself.
My boyfriend was pleasantly surprised, but didn?t make a big fuss that made me love him even more. It was actually our friends who made a whole brouhaha out of it when school started. One of them even joked that maybe I had suddenly turned anorexic.
I laughed at the time, but what our friend said really worried me. I had not followed any specific diet program to lose the weight, what I did was skip meals and exercise more. I still skip meals now, even after I?ve lost the weight, but it?s not like I?m sticking my finger down my throat to make myself vomit. I still feel healthy, but lately I?ve begun to wonder if there was any truth to what our friend said, because jokes are half-meant, after all. Am I anorexic, or am I just taking a joke too seriously?
If I am anorexic, should I tell my boyfriend? I haven?t told him anything about my worries just yet, because I feel like I?ve let him down. It?s stupid, I know, seeing as to how he?s always been supportive of me, but I?ve always been a self-assured and confident girl in his eyes, and it just hurts me to not live up to that image.
CHICO SAYS... Knowing is half the battle. I?m not really sure if you?re anorexic or simply overdoing a diet program, but I can tell you this much: Skipping meals is a bad idea.
I?m no nutrition expert, but I read enough to know that skipping meals derive your body of essential nutrients, makes you binge eventually when you start eating again, and puts your body in "famine" mode. When you suddenly decrease your food intake, the body has no idea why. It cannot distinguish between not eating because you?re on a diet, and not eating because there is no food. When you stop eating, the body tries to keep as much fat as it can keep to stay alive. So when you start eating again, it?ll store more fat than usual just in case food supply becomes scarce again.
Are you anorexic? Only if you think you?re still fat even if you?re already alarmingly thin. It?s all about a faulty self-image. People who were relentlessly badgered because of their weight tend to be extra harsh on themselves, allowing immature taunts to mold their self-image. If you can identify when you?ve withered too thin and make steps to correct it, then you?re not anorexic. But to be sure, you can always visit a doctor for a physical diagnosis, or a psychiatrist for an emotional assessment.
Anorexic or not, let your boyfriend in on what you?re going through. A relationship is a sharing of lives ? don?t shut him out when you think you?re in an ugly zone. This is the time when you need each other the most.
In case you?re not anorexic, may I suggest some diet tips that have personality worked for me. First, eat smaller portions more often. They say five small meals work better than three big ones.
Second, try to cut your simple carbs by at least half ? lessen or avoid rice, bread, pasta, pizza, and sweets. Eat more complex carbs like fruits and vegetables. Personally, I don?t agree with taking out all the carbs like in some diets, so I only cut out the "bad" carbs.
Third, don?t eat at least two hours before you go to sleep to give time for your body to digest before your system shuts down.
Fourth, don?t choose a diet or exercise regimen that?s too strict or too tough, because eventually you can?t sustain them, and you?ll be in a worse place than you were before you got into them. Allow yourself to adopt a moderate diet and exercise program that you can sustain realistically and indefinitely.
So if you want to eat that piece of cake or skip that salad, go ahead. Being too strict would only make you binge in revenge someday. If you wanna skip a workout this week, go ahead and rest; better that than burn out too fast, too soon.
And fifth, tired as it may sound, try and love yourself no matter how fat or thin you become. It?s actually good that you decided to diet because of health reasons rather than cosmetic ones. Diet to be healthy, not to be thin.
You?re actually very lucky that your boyfriend couldn?t care less about your weight because he loves you for exactly what you are. How lucky can a girl get? If he loves you as is, then the next time you look in the mirror, try seeing the girl that he sees. You might be surprised at how beautiful you look in his eyes.
DELAMAR SAYS... Anorexia is defined as "lack or loss of appetite, accompanied by a noticeable weight loss if it is chronic." I think you just might have it.
Even if you don?t ram a finger down your throat to barf what you just ate (that?s bulimia, by the way) but you deprive your body of meals that it needs that?s still not good. Not good at all!
Now, whether you have anorexia or anorexia nervosa (which is the mental disorder), skipping meals is definitely NOT the way to go about losing weight. And, it is especially NOT a good idea if you?re working out. Your body needs energy to do the work out, you need to burn something if you?re going to exercise.
There?s a healthier way of losing weight than just skipping meals. You?ve got to eat healthier food while doing your exercise program.
My advice is to go to a proper gym or a professional. You can?t do this on your own without the advice of people who are educated and trained to help people to lose weight. They will be able to put you on a program and will have a nutritionist tell you what to eat to best keep your body properly nourished while keeping the weight down.
Look, it sounds like you have it great. You?ve got a great supportive boyfriend and you finally have the will to lose all the excess weight. All you have to do now is to make sure you lose the weight properly without depriving your body the nutrients it needs to survive.
There are bad side effects if you continue this way of losing weight like: Your menstruation can get messed up, you might develop iron deficiency, and other electrolyte imbalance. That?s just to name a few. So, don?t gamble on your health just to look good. Trying to lose weight too much too soon is just as bad as being overweight. Both aren?t healthy. There?s a better way to do this. So, please go see a gym instructor or a doctor or a nutritionist or all of the above.
8/31/05
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