Post by nidenlighten on May 3, 2005 1:12:43 GMT -5
Dear Chico and Delamar,
Please help me understand. I am 34 years old and was in a same sex relationship with someone 9 years younger than me. We have been together for almost 4 years.
After she graduated from college, she led a promiscuous life. She would always party, get drunk and get one-night stands, which lasted around 10 months. She stopped her promiscuity after she met me. She changed and she went on to pursue further studies. She’s open about our relationship to her friends and siblings. It was just school, home and I. She’s doing very well with her studies.
We love to do so many things together and we are very happy when we are doing them. We love hiking, touring the country sides, working out at the gym. We love watching movies, eating or just playing the mini scrabble at Starbucks. We share a lot of common interests but we are very different from each other. She’s hyper, bubbly and sometimes way too friendly.
I admit her past really bothered me. It made me very paranoid and paranoia topped with being naturally possessive is really detrimental to a relationship. I am so not used to her liberated lifestyle before but I love her so much I try my best not to think about it and to just live and enjoy each day with her. But sometimes freaky things just happen and I can’t help but think about it.
We had an agreement to always keep each other informed on our whereabouts. But sometimes I ask too much questions and she would get irritated which would lead to a vicious cycle of irritation then explode to an argument. In fairness sake, she never cheated on me while we were together. But she lies, white lies she calls them. Their were several instances wherein she would not tell me when a guy is texting her. I would find out months after and be infuriated feeling betrayed. She said there’s nothing going on and she just forgot to tell me because they meant nothing and she’s too busy with her studies. I know she just doesn’t want to tell me because she doesn’t want me to hate the guy. Promises were made not to repeat what she and I did but only to be broken again and again in different circumstances.
Recently, she had to stay at a province for one month coming home only during weekends. She’s in a group and they have so much time in their hands. They went out almost every night on their first week there. She had a lot of fun with her friends who would always be drinking and videokeing. It made me really uncomfortable. I got irritated when she didn’t text me her status after a long time. We would argue on text and she would say she’s not enjoying herself with her group mates anymore. But when she came home that weekend, we settled the problem. She promised she’d tell me everything as long as I let her enjoy and not get angry. I gave her my word.
On the second week, I did not even bother to call her to check where she was. She would always text me that they are busy working and at night they are just watching dvds. But when she came home that weekend, I felt really bad vibes from her. She didn’t talk much about her week there. Things just don’t feel right and that’s not my paranoia talking. Regardless, I still fulfilled my promise on the third week. But on the third weekend, she was so much more different, I finally made her spill out what is wrong with her. She confessed that their group went to a hotel on the second week when she was texting me that they were busy with their project. They went swimming and she drank with them. She hasn’t been drinking since she started med school. She kept on saying that she doesn’t want to kill her neurons. She doesn’t even want to take a sip of wine when I drink. She lied to me not just once but several times. Whenever she would text that she is going to sleep they were actually drinking. She exclaimed that she didn’t regret lying to me because she had fun. She said if she had told me then, I would have given her a hard time and she wouldn’t have as much fun as she had. She told me she wanted out of the relationship. She said she realized that she doesn’t love me like before. She realized that their are many people out there who shares her principles (pertaining to her group mates) and she detest my principles in life and hates the way I think. She said we are so different from each other. She’s still young and she has so many things she wants to do in her life and I am impeding her from doing it. She doesn’t want to be tied down anymore. She’s young and she wants to do a lot more things without having someone holding her neck. She feels constrained by me. She wants her freedom because it is her nature to be free.
I found out that 2 guys and another girl in their group actually broke up with their significant others during their euphoria there.
One week after she broke up with me, I went to see her and we talked. She told me more things that she lied about. In one of her drinking sprees, she actually vomitted and fell unconscious and the guys had to carry her to bed. She told me they still went on to enjoy few other outings. It drives me crazy to think that I am NOTHING after four years and she is able to enjoy every moment that I am hurting.
Now, it’s been 2 weeks, the shock, hurt and betrayal that I am feeling is still overwhelming. How can four years mean nothing all of a sudden? All of a sudden I am bad and she wants to leave me. The things I did for her in our relationship are innumerable. One can just imagine how much love was given to her that could make her turn 180 degrees and become a respectable person and not some slut that every guy would want to get in her pants. But she just tore me up and threw me into the garbage can like a used paper cup. What about all those promises about having a life forever together? What about all those great trips, great moments, and great adventures we spent together? They meant nothing for her anymore now that she’s immersed in this vat of euphoria.
All I ever did was ask questions and make comments that she doesn’t really want to hear. I have never forbid? her. I have never dictated what she can or cannot do.
I read in one of your articles that there is life after love. True it is. But the feeling of being short changed is terrible and it lingers on. I wish you guys could help me understand and analyze her. I want you guys to tell me what wrong have I done to deserve all these.
I just want someone to love, someone to go home to after an exhausting day of work, someone to hug when I go to sleep. I just want a deeper meaning of fun even if it is just watching "Will & Grace" together eating Domino's pepperoni pizza. Senseless horsing around with fair weather drinking buddies is so superficial it should not even be a choice to choose from.
I want to know how much of this is my fault. I want to understand if I am right to be paranoid with her because of her past. Was she reverting to her old lifestyle? Is this just a phase that couples go through and I should just give her some space? Is she psychologically imbalance? How do you analyze someone who have one night stands with so many men? Why did she stay with me for 4 years if she hated my principles? How can she do this to me after being exposed for a few weeks of swelling fun? Is she a person incapable of love? Is her definition of love = need? as soon as she doesnt need me she dumps me? Should I make amends if ever she realizes that she still loves me and want to be with me?
nidenlighten
Please help me understand. I am 34 years old and was in a same sex relationship with someone 9 years younger than me. We have been together for almost 4 years.
After she graduated from college, she led a promiscuous life. She would always party, get drunk and get one-night stands, which lasted around 10 months. She stopped her promiscuity after she met me. She changed and she went on to pursue further studies. She’s open about our relationship to her friends and siblings. It was just school, home and I. She’s doing very well with her studies.
We love to do so many things together and we are very happy when we are doing them. We love hiking, touring the country sides, working out at the gym. We love watching movies, eating or just playing the mini scrabble at Starbucks. We share a lot of common interests but we are very different from each other. She’s hyper, bubbly and sometimes way too friendly.
I admit her past really bothered me. It made me very paranoid and paranoia topped with being naturally possessive is really detrimental to a relationship. I am so not used to her liberated lifestyle before but I love her so much I try my best not to think about it and to just live and enjoy each day with her. But sometimes freaky things just happen and I can’t help but think about it.
We had an agreement to always keep each other informed on our whereabouts. But sometimes I ask too much questions and she would get irritated which would lead to a vicious cycle of irritation then explode to an argument. In fairness sake, she never cheated on me while we were together. But she lies, white lies she calls them. Their were several instances wherein she would not tell me when a guy is texting her. I would find out months after and be infuriated feeling betrayed. She said there’s nothing going on and she just forgot to tell me because they meant nothing and she’s too busy with her studies. I know she just doesn’t want to tell me because she doesn’t want me to hate the guy. Promises were made not to repeat what she and I did but only to be broken again and again in different circumstances.
Recently, she had to stay at a province for one month coming home only during weekends. She’s in a group and they have so much time in their hands. They went out almost every night on their first week there. She had a lot of fun with her friends who would always be drinking and videokeing. It made me really uncomfortable. I got irritated when she didn’t text me her status after a long time. We would argue on text and she would say she’s not enjoying herself with her group mates anymore. But when she came home that weekend, we settled the problem. She promised she’d tell me everything as long as I let her enjoy and not get angry. I gave her my word.
On the second week, I did not even bother to call her to check where she was. She would always text me that they are busy working and at night they are just watching dvds. But when she came home that weekend, I felt really bad vibes from her. She didn’t talk much about her week there. Things just don’t feel right and that’s not my paranoia talking. Regardless, I still fulfilled my promise on the third week. But on the third weekend, she was so much more different, I finally made her spill out what is wrong with her. She confessed that their group went to a hotel on the second week when she was texting me that they were busy with their project. They went swimming and she drank with them. She hasn’t been drinking since she started med school. She kept on saying that she doesn’t want to kill her neurons. She doesn’t even want to take a sip of wine when I drink. She lied to me not just once but several times. Whenever she would text that she is going to sleep they were actually drinking. She exclaimed that she didn’t regret lying to me because she had fun. She said if she had told me then, I would have given her a hard time and she wouldn’t have as much fun as she had. She told me she wanted out of the relationship. She said she realized that she doesn’t love me like before. She realized that their are many people out there who shares her principles (pertaining to her group mates) and she detest my principles in life and hates the way I think. She said we are so different from each other. She’s still young and she has so many things she wants to do in her life and I am impeding her from doing it. She doesn’t want to be tied down anymore. She’s young and she wants to do a lot more things without having someone holding her neck. She feels constrained by me. She wants her freedom because it is her nature to be free.
I found out that 2 guys and another girl in their group actually broke up with their significant others during their euphoria there.
One week after she broke up with me, I went to see her and we talked. She told me more things that she lied about. In one of her drinking sprees, she actually vomitted and fell unconscious and the guys had to carry her to bed. She told me they still went on to enjoy few other outings. It drives me crazy to think that I am NOTHING after four years and she is able to enjoy every moment that I am hurting.
Now, it’s been 2 weeks, the shock, hurt and betrayal that I am feeling is still overwhelming. How can four years mean nothing all of a sudden? All of a sudden I am bad and she wants to leave me. The things I did for her in our relationship are innumerable. One can just imagine how much love was given to her that could make her turn 180 degrees and become a respectable person and not some slut that every guy would want to get in her pants. But she just tore me up and threw me into the garbage can like a used paper cup. What about all those promises about having a life forever together? What about all those great trips, great moments, and great adventures we spent together? They meant nothing for her anymore now that she’s immersed in this vat of euphoria.
All I ever did was ask questions and make comments that she doesn’t really want to hear. I have never forbid? her. I have never dictated what she can or cannot do.
I read in one of your articles that there is life after love. True it is. But the feeling of being short changed is terrible and it lingers on. I wish you guys could help me understand and analyze her. I want you guys to tell me what wrong have I done to deserve all these.
I just want someone to love, someone to go home to after an exhausting day of work, someone to hug when I go to sleep. I just want a deeper meaning of fun even if it is just watching "Will & Grace" together eating Domino's pepperoni pizza. Senseless horsing around with fair weather drinking buddies is so superficial it should not even be a choice to choose from.
I want to know how much of this is my fault. I want to understand if I am right to be paranoid with her because of her past. Was she reverting to her old lifestyle? Is this just a phase that couples go through and I should just give her some space? Is she psychologically imbalance? How do you analyze someone who have one night stands with so many men? Why did she stay with me for 4 years if she hated my principles? How can she do this to me after being exposed for a few weeks of swelling fun? Is she a person incapable of love? Is her definition of love = need? as soon as she doesnt need me she dumps me? Should I make amends if ever she realizes that she still loves me and want to be with me?
nidenlighten
best of lucK!!!