Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Bulacan, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Pampanga. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Leyte girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, check these out:
On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping" (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
On a bag of Frito's: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." But it's *just* a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (As sure as night follows the day)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On a children's cold medicine: "Do not operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".(One would hope)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts" (NEWS FLASH)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta).
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable to you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one).
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief!)
A monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Got any bananas?" The bartender says,"No." "Got any bananas?" the monkey asks a second time. "No," says the bartender. "Got any bananas?" "No." "Got any bananas?" "No!" "Got any bananas?" "No!! Are you deaf? Ask me one more time and I'll nail your f**kin' lips to the bar?" "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any bananas?"
1. If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? (probably not cause he's got so much else to be grateful for)
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in --- what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
15. "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailpersons can look for them while they deliver the mail?
22. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "You've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the heck was THAT?!"
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage, his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Here's the untold secret of married life....!!! A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple".
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man." We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,"That's once".
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.