Funny Quotes

[jellybelly]

**********
hey! post your twisted, nonsense, etc. quotes/sayings here

**********

[jellybelly]

I like nonsense. It awakens the brain cells.

It's better to have and lost than to have run over by an eighteen-wheeler and dragged for five miles.

Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.

;D

[soixante-neuf]

"Age is not important unless you're a cheese."

[arki]

this was from a family friend when her wife was asking her to just drink water instead of beer.


only frogs drink water my dear....


;D do frogs drink??

[jellybelly]

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

[louise]

"good girls love tailored dresses and smart skirts. bad girls love chiffon teddies."

[soixante-neuf]

"I may be drunk, Madam, but tomorrow, I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly."

[spunkovision]

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn...
hehe...
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

[Cherry]

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your friend's nose. ;D ;D ;D

[louise]

Cherry said:

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your friend's nose. ;D ;D ;D

LOL! gross , but funny!

[marasmus]

Cherry said:

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your friend's nose. ;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D

[jellybelly]

A magazine recently ran a "DILBERT QUOTES" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
- (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp.in Redmond,WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
-(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
-(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
-(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
-(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
-(CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
-(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
-(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
-(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
-(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

;D

[Cherry]

Hehe, kadiri ba? Cute naman a!

[EVE]

[shadow=red,left,300]TEXT[/shadow]Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams


"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing."
Harry Medved on Dean Martin

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
Joan Rivers

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.

"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire."
Truman Capote on Mick Jagger

"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."
Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando

"Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner."
Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"It's like kissing Hitler."
Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe
I call everyone 'Darling' because I can't remember their names."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
Linda Ellerbee

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."
Margaret Thatcher

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
Katharine Hepburn

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
Elaine Boosler

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
Marie Corelli

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
Gilda Radner

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
Hedy Lamarr

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
Marion Pearson

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

[jazzycalizacion]

Sa labas ka mi ng building ng kaibigan ko then we smelled na parang amoy ng creek na amoy mo yun? he said oo, kaazar noh! then we step inside he asked me

"naamoy po pa ba yung smell? o na smell mo pa yung amoy?"