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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:16:08 GMT -5
Desperately seeking father
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Good day! I?ve been thinking whether I should seek help or not and from whom should I seek advice from.
Last year, I found out that my mom was married to a guy who is not my biological father. Correction please! It isn?t because she had an extra-marital affair, but because I was a love child (obviously, she was still single at that time). I wasn?t really shocked when I found out, but I suddenly felt a gush of confusion and emptiness all at the same time. I wanted to meet my real dad, or see him or know where he is, at least? but how? I wanted to ask my aunt (mom?s sister); surely she knows how or why I sprouted out of this world. But I was too afraid to ask because she might just deny it or wouldn?t wanna talk about it. Besides, it was 24 years ago and reputation is really important in this family.
Then I saw Mikey Villanueva?s story on TV, about her quest in finding her parents and how it succeeded. So, I tried it too. I searched the net to see if there?s any way I could contact him - but in vain. I didn?t have enough info about my real dad. All I know is his surname, I?m not even sure if I have the right first name, and where he worked when he and mom became close (I?m not sure if he?s still working there). I can?t ask my mom for money to look for him. Besides, they have no idea that I already know something about their deepest darkest secret.
Now, I felt like losing hope of seeing him. Funny it may seem, but I don?t really hate him at all. All I feel is a longing for a dad whom I would give a bear hug to and a lot of sloppy kisses to everyday with all willingness, just to show him I care, and to feel his TLC and appreciation that I never felt from my (step) dad.
Well, I really hope you could help me know where or how to find my dad, you?re my only silver lining as of now... really! Where do I start my search? How do I go about it? And if ever he?s reading this column and he thinks that it?s him I?m talking about, I promise I won?t create a scandal for his family?s sake (and ours, too).
Anyway, I know you?ve got a lot of problems to solve, some of which are probably much of a life and death situation, so, I?d like to thank you for sparing some time dealing with my problem. God bless you, always and more power, as well! -Lost Angel
CHICO SAYS...First of all, I really feel that, as uncomfortable as everyone might be, now is not the time for keeping any more secrets. I think it?s time for you to reveal that you now know about your real background, and that it?s also time for your mom to tell you the whole truth.
Why wouldn?t she want to tell you what you need to know?
Two things: First, she could be afraid that it might give you the feeling that your world, as you know it, just crumbled into dust. There?s no perfect time, really, to tell your kid that she was a child borne out of wedlock.
Second, she could fear that this revelation could make you love her less (even hate her), and you?d run off and leave her to find your biological father.
And a possible third reason would be that maybe this secret has hidden demons that you don?t know of yet. Maybe he?s a priest, or a criminal, or a relative, or a famous politician, or he could even be dead already.
To be honest with you, I don?t exactly know where to start looking. But if I were in your shoes, I would tackle first things first.
Talk to your mom and tell her what you know, then ask her to tell you everything you want to know. Tell her that you have every right to know the real identity of your biological father. Assure her that you don?t plan to do anything drastic, but that you just need this to put closure on your identity crisis. Tell her you plan to meet him, and give her the chance to help you out or even talk you out of it.
It?s important to hear each other out. If she helps you then good. If not, or if she has no idea where to look, try hiring a private investigator. I?m sure he?d have the contacts and the know how to look for long lost parents.
If you don?t have the resources, you could try the public service departments of the different major networks. I?m sure they would have many radio and television shows which would be able to lend you a cost-free hand.
Just one last piece of advice if you?d have it ? don?t go into this quest thinking you?ll find yourself a dad in shining armor, waiting on a white steed to sweep you off your feet and shower you with all the fatherly love a daughter never got in her life. Do this to satisfy your need to know, not to straighten up what you feel is wrong with your life.
Don?t set yourself up for a heartbreak. If he?s everything you ever wanted in a dad, then good for you. But what if he?s far from perfect? Worse, what if you find out that he doesn?t want anything to do with you? It?s possible.
I don?t want to rain on your parade, but you need to prepare yourself for everything that could happen. I just want you to have your wits about you in case your journey takes you to an unexpected destination.
DELAMAR SAYS...I don?t see why you can?t just go straight to your mom and ask her. I don?t understand why you have to take a circuitous route to get to know your real dad. I could understand if your mom flat out said no to you getting to know your real father. But so far, all this is guess work on your part.
You haven?t really asked her outright. At this point you don?t really know for sure what she?ll say when you broach the topic. I think you are old enough to ask her about this. I think she will be expecting it even.
And besides, your mother also knows that it is YOUR right to know the truth about your real father. You just have to have the courage to bring it up with her.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. The quickest way to know the real identity and story behind your birth father is through your mother. So, before you start logging on to the Internet, let me just advice you to first talk to your mother. Ask her. I doubt she will deny you the truth.
Sit her down one quiet evening when you two are alone together and just ask her. Tell her it is important to you to know who your real father is. Give her the chance, at least, to say yes or no before you go behind her back. She could actually want to tell you, you know.
Now, if she says she won?t help you. Then that is the time to go outside of your family?s help and find other ways to discover who your real father. I won?t kid you; you?ll need some lead. You?ll need some help from relatives. At least for some lead for a private investigator to use when he starts looking.
And if you don?t have the money then you will just have to wait till you start working to be able to finance the search for your biological father. It can happen. You just have to be patient.
In the meantime, try talking to some relatives or some of your mom?s friends to find out some leads.
For example, you can just ask them who your mother?s suitors were during the time you were born. Find out if she got pregnant during high school or college. And then connect the dots to get some possible candidates as to who could be your dad. That could be something that you can give a private investigator later on.
I just want to remind you to brace yourself if you ever find your real father. You might have this fantasy that he?s also been looking for you, or that he?ll be as you expect him to be which is a great dad. You need to bear in mind that it could go both ways: He could be the father you always hoped he would be or he could be just another guy who is disinterested in being a father to a long lost daughter.
I?m not trying to burst your bubble, here. I just want you to be prepared for any eventuality. Still, I think, whatever he turns out to be you deserve to know the truth about him. It is just important to your own identity. It might even give you a better understanding about your mother?s decision to keep his identity a secret.
Finally, I think more than wanting your father to read this I hope it?s your mom who does. I think she needs to know that she OWES you the truth and that you certainly deserve to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about your real dad.
It was her choice to erase him from her past, true. But we?re talking of YOU now. And this is YOUR life. It should be up to you what you want to do with this precious piece of information.
9/7/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:16:39 GMT -5
Breaking up is hard to do
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... I?m Pam, an avid reader of yours for a very long time now. I have a very weird situation that has become a problem for me. I just need your advice. Please, kindly help me.
I have a very sweet, cute, caring and thoughtful boyfriend. When I introduced him to my family, he was accepted immediately and the same goes with me and his family. My problem is he?s kinda demanding. Despite this, I still understand his situation. We?re very open with each other ? he knows my past and I know his past, and we both accepted each other in spite of it.
But now my problem is I don?t love him anymore. He gets really jealous when I mention other boys. He even gets mad when I mention my girl bestfriend. I can?t believe he?s jealous over my girl bestfriend!
He?s my first boyfriend, and I really did love him. But now that I can?t understand him and his actions, I don?t know if that?s still true. Please help me. Thanks.
CHICO SAYS...You sound to me like someone who?s not exactly confused ? you sound more like you?re asking for a way out. Having a demanding or jealous partner is a workable thing. Sometimes they just love you too much that they become oppressive, or sometimes, people just are anal about their "possessions" in general and don?t want anyone encroaching on their territory.
Whichever the case may be, unless he?s psychologically unstable, this usually can be overcome by talking about it, paired with reassurances of each other?s fidelity, and eventually, once an effective flow of communication is established, more trust and understanding ensues.
But in your case, I have a feeling that you?ve outgrown your childhood sweetheart. Based on what I read, I sense that this is exactly the only reason that?s holding you back ? that he?s your first love and that you don?t know any other romantic love outside of his sphere.
I suggest that you try and figure out if you really still love this guy. If you do, then these are just road blocks in your relationship. Trust me, there is NO easy relationship. Even the best ones go through some rough patches.
Don?t bail out at the first sign of trouble. Try and work out what you can until you?ve exhausted all possible means, and then some. But if you?ve fallen out of love and are staying only because of your "pinagsamahan", then I suggest you do the inevitable and break cleanly.
There?s no easy way to do it, except to come clean and tell him why you want out. That?s what this whole stage is for, for you guys to figure out if you want to spend the rest of your lives with each other.
It?s not a crime to realize it?s not. Who knows, you both might meet people who are more suited for you. And in the chance that you realize that each other was the best match, then there?s always that second chance at love.
DELAMAR SAYS...If you have come to the conclusion that you don?t love him anymore, then the logical next step would be to BREAK UP with him.
I don?t think it matters that your family has accepted him already and that his has accepted you. The more important matter at this point is to know what you feel about this guy. Do you still or don?t you love him anymore? That?s the entire question you have to ask yourself.
It?s not like you guys are married or you guys have kids or share property. You?re boyfriend-girlfriend. At this level it sounds all very simple in the sense that there?s no third party that will be affected by the split?if ever.
The only warning I will offer you though is to check if there really is no more love on your part. You have to be sure that this is not a case of just tough times together and that it?s all just a phase. It could be just problems that need to be worked out?
Maybe he?s acting jealous because of some miscommunication and he?s not able to verbalize what?s making him act all weird on you. If that?s the case then there could still be "fixing" this relationship. Maybe if you?re able to work it out then he?ll quit being all jealous on you and you?ll start relaxing with each other and you?ll feel differently towards him. Maybe you?ll start having those feelings again for him. That is if this is a case of just tough times that you need to work out together.
So, I guess that?s the tough part of your situation: knowing if this is just a phase or if this really means you?re not good together. You are in the best position to determine this. And you have to be able to draw this distinction before you decide what to do next.
If you decide that it?s not just a phase and that this is it you?ve had a change of heart then break up with him. If you decide that it?s just a rough patch and that there?s still hope for you both then stick it out and work it out with him. Basically it?s a judgment call and you get to be the judge!
My advice? Think about it. Then think about it again. And then make your move. Just be sure that whatever you choose, you?re sure beyond all reasonable doubt that that is what you really want to do. No sense in making a half-hearted decision and regretting it afterwards. And it will be unfair and cruel to make a hasty decision you?ll want to take back later because you?ll be breaking a heart in the process. Besides, you owe him to be absolutely sure about what you want to do because it sounds like he just might really love you.
Breaking up is never easy?for the break-er and the break-ee. If you ever need to initiate it make sure you?re SURE about it.
9/14/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:17:14 GMT -5
Young love, sweet drama
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... I?m an avid reader of you guys ever since. Let me get straight to the point. I have a problem, guys, and maybe you guys can help me?
I have a problem with my boyfriend. Let me share my story to you.
I met this guy on our campus, but he?s not exactly a student. He?s actually part of the school staff, an Internet coordinator and MIS staff. We?ve become friends and his sister is one of my closest friends, when we both joined the beauty pageant in our town. He courted me and we?ve been together for months now.
Seeing he?s part of the staff and I?m a student, I had apprehensions, but what can I do? We both love each other. The teachers even know that we?re together, in fact its OK with them. It?s only the administrative office in our campus that doesn?t know about our relationship.
It?s very hard for us to keep our relationship a secret in our school, but we both understand our situation. We talk on campus but with certain limitations. My classmates even know that we have a relationship, but still I?m denying it! My best friend, who is also my classmate, knows all my secrets about us.
He is not really cute, in fact my friends and family always tease me "Beauty and the Beast" They even always tell me that "Kat, you?re too beautiful for him!"
But I just ignore it. Yes, I admit he?s ugly but the only thing I love about him is, he is very sweet, caring, thoughtful, understanding, and super kind. He introduces me to his family and I am very open with his family, and so is he with mine. He knows my past, that I was raped before, and I know his past too, about his father. We?re very open with each other.
When we quarrel, he visits our house to apologize, talk to me, and give some gifts. When I mentioned about the "man" of my past, he gets angry and even gets jealous! It?s not that I?m offending him, I?m just confessing that this man is still bothering me. It?s like I?m being honest with him.
He has even begun to demand public displays of affection from me. Of course as a girl, I don?t think it?s proper. I don?t want to end up looking like a flirt.
I tried to break up with him, but I can?t! He told me that he?ll kill himself if I did. He doesn?t want to lose me. What am I going to do? I?m beginning to fall out of love with him. Pls help me. I?m so puzzled. Thank you so much and God bless. More power. ? KPG ?
CHICO SAYS...Well, whatever floats your boat!
That?s what relationships are all about. Just as it was your every right to fall in love with him regardless of his looks and station in life, so is it your prerogative to break up with him in case you realize with grave finality that you don?t love him anymore.
It doesn?t matter if he professes his impending doom in the eventuality of your loss. Would you marry a man you don?t love just so that he wouldn?t kill himself? Can you just imagine if someone as coveted as Angelina Jolie married every single guy who threatened to kill himself if she didn?t love him back?
In the first place, you?d have to have a few loose screws to feel so drastic as to end your life on account of a broken heart, especially if you?ve only been together for not very long. It?s too OA, too much fanfare.
I would understand it if a husband lost his wife of 30 years ? that sort of desperation is very much warranted. But in your case, it smacks of young love, sweet drama. If he?s serious, then he doesn?t need you, he needs professional psychiatric help.
Just try to figure out if he?s the right guy for you. It?s no crime in case you realize that he isn?t.
DELAMAR SAYS... Well, the first thing I will advice you is to make up your mind.
I am quite confused as to the tone of your letter. Are you thinking of breaking up with him because he?s a teacher? Because he?s demanding public display of affection? Because he?s jealous? Because he?s ugly? Because he knows about you being raped and is okay with it? Because your respective families have already accepted you both?
On the one hand you?re enumerating all the qualities that you like in him and on the other you?re stating what other people think about your relationship, which isn?t favorable to carrying on with it. I can?t really see where the problem is except that it?s in your head.
You stated that you both love each other and then a few sentences on you say you?re falling out of love with him. It seems that you can?t make up your mind if you want to stick it out with this guy or if you want to bolt.
And maybe that is the very point of your letter. You don?t know what to do with this relationship. It would have been easier to dispense advice to you if I knew where you were leaning more towards but I think that is the very problem ? you don?t know.
In this case, although it sounds corny all I will tell you is TO LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. That is the only way that you can be true to yourself and you can do something without regretting it later on. You?ve got to know for yourself what it is that you really, really want. No one can tell you that. You?ve got to look inside for the answer.
So, mute everybody else around you. Don?t listen to what he has to say. Don?t think about what other people are saying. Just listen to what your heart tells you. That?s the only way to go when it comes to love anyway. Love makes up its own mind. All we can do is listen.
Before you do anything, know how you really feel about this man. Do you love him? Do you want to stay in this relationship with him? These are the questions that will determine what your course of action will be. Answer it and you?ll know what to do.
If you do, then you can work on your problems. You can work out his being jealous or his being demanding regarding public displays of affection. If you come to the conclusion that you love him then there is a way of "fixing" it.
If not, and let me tell you it?s okay if you find out that deep down inside you don?t really love him, then you should quit the relationship and be honest with yourself and with him. I don?t know if this is a case of he?s-a-great-guy-but-I-don?t-love-him or if this is a case of I-love-him-but-he?s-not-that-good-looking-enough-for-me.
If I were you, I?d search my heart if it?s really love I feel for this guy or if he?s the convenient choice for you. When you know how you really feel about him, it will be easy enough to know what to do.
9/21/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:17:51 GMT -5
A homophobe in sheep’s clothing?
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I’ve done something I’m really, really ashamed off.
I’m a single parent of two boys, and I’ve always prided myself for being able to raise my sons to be the best people they can possibly be. My eldest is now 24. My youngest son is 18.
Before my family started having problems, me and my two boys were able to talk about anything, and that was how my eldest found the courage to come out to me and tell the truth about his sexual orientation.
He did it over dinner, in front of the whole family, and while me and my youngest were a tad surprised, there was no drama at all, and we’ve gone on as if nothing happened.
Which is why I found my reaction to my youngest’s homosexuality very shocking, even to myself. What happened is that, coming home from work, I find my youngest making out with another boy. I’ve seen my eldest make out with his boyfriends a lot of times before, and it never affected me.
But this time around I found myself getting angry. I won’t go into the specifics of my reaction, but let me say that it was not one of my proudest moments as a mother.
My youngest, for the meantime, is living with an aunt and I can’t say I blame him. I feel like I’ve betrayed his trust in me by having such a different reaction to his sexual orientation as I did with his older brother.
Here’s where my question comes in. My problem—and the thing I hope you guys can help me figure out—is that I don’t even know why I reacted the way I did.
Was I harboring anger that my youngest was unlucky enough to be the object of? Is it the way that I found out about their sexual orientation? Was I just being a hypocrite with my eldest, and am really just a bad mother? Am I just a homophobe in sheep’s clothing?
- Hopefully-Not-A-Bad-Mother
CHICO SAYS...Don’t be so hard on yourself. My reading on what happened is that you’re far from being a bad mother. The fact that you’re writing to us now about it means that you’re doing your darnedest to be the best parent you can be.
What happened then? My guess is that it was all the pent-up frustrations of having gay sons. It was easy to bite the bullet when you’re eldest came out because you probably felt that you can afford to have a gay son, since you still have a straight one. So imagine your shock when the remaining son also turned out gay.
Not that there’s anything wrong about being gay. But no one will fault any parent for wishing that they had straight children rather than gay ones. Every mother wishes to see her sons marry beautiful wives who will bear her beautiful grandchildren. Not being able to deliver these dreams do not make your sons any less of ideal children, but feeling frustrated about it is very much acceptable.
When you saw your remaining son making out with another boy, all your dreams of a "normal" family crumbled before your very eyes. You probably felt you can handle one, but not two. You reacting less than nobly was just your system crashing down because you probably didn’t deal with your frustrations the first time around, so you therefore blew up like a volcano, with all that pressure building up inside of you.
I don’t think you’re a homophobe. Being frustrated because your two sons are gay is VERY different from being homophobic. You just need a little more time to let it sink in.
Now, how to fix your relationship with your younger son? Talk to him.
Explain to him that you were just caught off-guard. Your eldest told you clinically of his sexual preference over dinner. You caught him having sex. Explain your side that a parent can never prepare herself for these things. Ask for some leeway. Tell him that you didn’t mean to throw at him frustration meant for both sons. Tell him that you love him every bit as much.
Would you rather that he was straight? Yes. Would you love him any less because he’s not? No. Tell him that there is nothing you would want more than to have him back home. Then, just as important as telling him your feelings, is for you to listen to what he has to say. Let him tell you how he felt about the whole thing, how he feels about coming home, how he feels, period.You’re a good mother, and hopefully your sons will see that someday. You may not be perfect, but wanting to be so, makes you good enough.
DELAMAR SAYS...Finding out your child is gay is NEVER easy for any parent. It’s still difficult even when you’ve seen the signs of homosexuality even when they were young, how much more when you just plain didn’t expect it?
I’m supposing here that you didn’t really expect that your youngest too was gay and I think your reaction was due to the fact that you weren’t prepared. This is not an excuse; mind you, but more of an explanation as to why your reaction to finding out about both your son’s sexual orientation was so different from one another.
First, your eldest admitted and announced it himself to you. That’s a big thing. You didn’t hear it from somebody else; you didn’t have to because he was honest with you. And I’m sure that made it a whole lot easier for you.
Before he ever brought home any of his boyfriends he told you first. And he told you when you were all inside your home where you feel safe and where, most probably, all defenses are down. You were more prepared to accept the announcement because of the circumstances. With your second son, this wasn’t the case at all.
Second, I think it was a big thing that before you ever saw your eldest getting physical with another guy you were already prepared to accept the consequences of what it means that your son was gay. Of course, after he came out to you and after the initial shock you were able to get used to the idea that he would naturally get physical with men.
With your second son, there was no warning. No announcement (maybe no inkling either) and then all of a sudden you see him make out with another guy in your house. That would shock anyone. What you did or how you acted on your surprise might not have been excusable but the very act of being shocked is not wrong. It’s just a normal reaction. I think he should have told you first before he brought any guy home.
Thirdly, maybe some part of you was hoping that since the eldest was gay you hoped and maybe expected that the other one wasn’t. Maybe it was a one-was-taken-away-already-don’t- take-the-other kind of feeling for you. It makes taking the news harder if you don’t expect it. And maybe that explains your violent reaction.
I don’t think you’re a hypocrite. I think you just didn’t expect that both your sons were gay. But just the same, you over reacted. And you’re second son is hurting. He feels rejected by you. He cannot understand why you reacted so differently when his kuya told you he was gay.
As the parent, it is important that you explain to him what happened. Tell him that the circumstances were different that’s why the reaction was so different. Tell him you would have been better prepared if you had known first, if he told you his sexual orientation before bringing home a boyfriend. Apologize to him for your behavior but at the same time explain why it happened.
All your son wants is to be accepted for who he is and now that the violent reaction is over, maybe you can show him that you do accept him the way you accepted his older brother. I really think it will be alright because you seem to be of the right frame of mind to make things better for your family. And if that comes across, I think your son will respond to it.
It is important that we deal with the people we love— husbands, wives, children, parents, boyfriends, and girlfriends — with emotional honesty. Honesty begets trust. Trust strengthens the love that bonds us together. The kind of honesty required of you in this situation, in my opinion, is about admitting that you could have handled things better because you were the parent.
Show him love. Show him acceptance. Show him that being a good parent doesn’t mean always being right but doing what is right like apologizing to your son.
9/28/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:20:49 GMT -5
A fork in the career road
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I know it’s always been said that hard work always pays off in the end, and for the most part, I’ve always believed it. I’ve always been the model student when I was still studying—there would be times when I wouldn’t watch TV for weeks just to prepare for a test—and I’ve always been in the top three whenever I join academic competitions and always finished with honors. I’m very competitive, and always make sure that I come out with the best possible result.
When I graduated from college, I managed to find employment in a multinational company. I treated my job pretty much the same way I treated school: I was quick to take on the hard jobs and took the initiative to learn skills that weren’t necessarily part of my job, so I’d be ready when I do actually need them.
Initially, my hard work didn’t go unnoticed. In my five years working with the company I’ve gotten more promotions than most people in my age bracket, and, modesty aside, if I put a quarter of what I earn into a time deposit account and just let it grow, I’d be able to retire by the time I reach forty.
But now, my career has sort of reached a plateau, and it’s not just about being promoted. The economy isn’t doing very well anyway, so I kind of expected that a promotion wasn’t exactly in the cards. What I meant with my career being on a plateau is that I seem to have lost all interest with pursuing it at all. It’s starting to feel like some household chore to me, and one I don’t particularly like doing.
The past weeks I’ve started thinking about going back to school again and studying to become a teacher. I told this to a few of my work friends and they all told me that it would be silly of me to leave the job I now have. They told me that since early retirement is a valid option for me anyway, I should just suck it up rather than take on something totally off-track.
But I’ve begun to consider the possibility that perhaps it’s not the money that’s the issue with me; maybe I just don’t like this job. Yet at the same time I’m afraid that people will see me as a failure if I quit this job for a less-paying one, that they’ll think I couldn’t handle the job. I haven’t talked about this with my parents because I’m afraid that they’ll think that exactly. Am I just taking an unnecessary and silly risk if I decide to study to become a teacher? Am I just bored? I’ve never really believed in the saying that loving your job is the best compensation since we have to admit that everybody needs money, but now I feel like rethinking my stance.
-Confused twentysomething
CHICO SAYS... I think this time comes in every person’s life when you stop and self-reflect on what you’re doing, if you’re happy doing it, if it’s even the thing you should be doing. Your state of mind could have been caused by a combination of many things: First, maybe it’s burnout. Maybe you’ve put too much in what you do, for so long a time, that you just don’t have any more to give. You’re like a bright supernova that burns bright fast then fades just as quickly.
Another is the fact that in the end, we all need to do what makes us happy. Whenever we give talks to students, I always make it a point to tell them that although remuneration is an essential component of a career, I honestly believe that enjoying what you do takes precedence over everything else. If you can find a job you love that pays well, even better. There’s something to be said about having a sense of purpose, to know that what you’re doing is EXACTLY what you were born to do.
I know not a lot of people can afford to be idealistic in these financially tough times, but you gotta start somewhere. You have many options. You can follow your heart and drop everything to pursue your heart’s desires, or you can hold on, bite the bullet, and stay with your job until you retire with enough money to keep you afloat as you immerse yourself in something you love doing.
Or you can do a little bit of both, stay with your job as you slowly explore other options. Maybe take classes during your free time or take a sabbatical to see how you’ll survive away from your job. Sometimes you just need to lose something before you realize how much you love it. But whatever you do, never let what people will say dictate what you’ll do. Honestly now, as long as you know why you’re doing what you’re doing, who cares what other people think?
You have to get over what people will say because trust me, naysayers will always find a reason to label you a failure or a loser, so there’s no point in trying to please others all the time. You have to find that delicate balance between following your heart and feeding your belly. What use is your money if you constantly yearn to be somewhere else? And what use is a purpose if you’re dying of starvation?
DELAMAR SAYS...All I’ll say is listen to your inner voice. Minding what people say or what they will think about your career (or life for that matter) decisions is hardly important at this time. You are deciding the course of your life and what you will do day in and day out for the next 30 or 40 years.
Anticipating what people have to say about our life and the decisions we make just tends to derail us from focusing on what is important and that is to find out what we really want.
Ask yourself, "What do I really want?" Take away fear out of the equation first (i.e. what people will think, what your parents will think, what the salary cut is) and just think about what you want. Answer that question first before you think about anything else.
I say take fear out of the equation because you don’t want to make decisions based on fear. Base your decision on what you want, what you really want. As soon as that is clear to you, then it becomes easier to decide what to do.
Not that I’m saying that you throw practicality out the window. I’m just saying that you’ll be in a better position to make a good decision if you’re honest with yourself and you see all the cards on the table. You should be able to see what you want, what you need, and what you can and can’t do without. Somewhere in between those seemingly opposing things is a decision you might be able to live with.
Why not try substitute or part-time teaching first? Test the waters so you understand the demands of that career so you are able to assess if that’s really the job for you.
When you’re trying to figure out what you want try to think about what you would like to do everyday until you retire. Figure out a job you can look forward to when you wake up on a good day and a bad day. Treat it as if you’re choosing a person to marry. Who would you want to wake up next to when things are bad and even when things are not doing so well?
It’s the same with your career. You should be doing something that even when things become routine it’s still something you’d rather do more than anything else. As far as practicality is concerned, well, what can I say? Most of the time in life we can’t have our cake and eat it too. Being a teacher, as noble and important as it is, really doesn’t pay very well. What teacher got rich just by teaching? So, keeping that in mind, is that something that turns you off enough that you don’t want to do it anymore? Think about it hard. Working for a multi-national company compensates better than being a teacher. Can you take that? If you can, then you know your answer. What people think is hardly important unless you intend to live your life for them.
So, in the end it is only YOU and what YOU want that matters here because YOU will be the one to live with the consequences…and with the rewards of your own decision.
10/12/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:22:07 GMT -5
Whistleblower
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I’ve been a fan for nearly a decade now! I hope you can help me with my problem.
I just finished the comprehensive exam for my master’s degree. I passed; however, I can’t help but feel cheated. I have invariably been a straight student. I never let a classmate copy from me and I despise cheaters!
Our exam was a three-day nerve-racking exam. The most important exam I took after UPCAT. Two of my foreigner classmates who are also my friends cheated. They use USB to transfer their files to the computer they are using during the exam. They have done this in all the subjects. We told the proctors but we do not have proofs to show. I felt bad and that incident somehow left a nagging feeling of antipathy!
Prior to the release of result, my foreigner friend said that she needed badly to pass because she cannot afford to be extended for one semester because her mother is sick and she missed her badly as she is an only child.
Given her predicament, I thought I could let things be. However, the result was released last week, one of the foreigners failed but my friend passed. I still feel bad about those Filipinos who sacrificed one month of their lives just to review for the exam. My incensed emotion was revived and I felt an injustice done to me and to those who studied but failed.
I feel the urgent need to go directly to our college chairman and report the incident; however, I am trying to weigh the consequence of my actions. What can I do? Please let me know as soon as possible. I am contemplating on sending a letter to the chairman… - Geeky Girlie
CHICO SAYS...My heart goes out to you. I, too, was a complete geek when I was younger (arguably, still is). I understand the quiet fury of seeing people weasel themselves out of studying by cheating and getting by through fraud instead of honest, hard work. And yes, I was equally furious whenever everyone else shrugged it off as if it were acceptable.
It’s ironic that the ones who do the right thing, turn out to be the perceived villains when they speak out against cheating. When you tell on cheaters, the whistleblower gets labelled "stoolie," "rat," "chuchu" (minus the chuva). It’s horrible, but it has become cool to be okay with cheating rather than be indignant about it. Even you, who label yourself a geek just because you’re offended by this. Makes you wonder if this is the reason why corruption is endemic to our politics. Getting mad is definitely the right thing to do.
Now the question is, should you do anything about it?
On paper, the right thing to do is to go all out and report the travesty that just transpired — but only if, you become impervious to what the consequences are. Be prepared that people will hate you for it, not just the people concerned, but even mere onlookers who have nothing to with anything. It has become totally uncool to tell on cheaters.
If you feel strongly enough about it, and you can never forgive yourself if you do nothing, then go ahead and naysayers be damned! If you’re willing to take up the cudgels for all those who do honest, hard work, then be the poster girl for your cause.
But in case you feel like you don’t need the extra stress that will come up with being under fire for this, then don’t judge yourself too harshly if you decide to stay out of it.
Remember, the burden of proof will lie on the accuser. You can’t just say someone cheated without giving any evidence. It could very well become a "your-word-against-theirs" kind of judgment. And expect a lot of mudslinging when the shee-oot hits the fan.
So it all depends on how strongly you feel about your cause and how strong your case is. Don’t charge into this without any evidence. If your conviction overrides the hassles you will face, then march on. If the stress isn’t worth the triumph, then it might be prudent for you to let it pass for another warrior to take up the cause. Whichever you decide, my hat’s off to you for even bothering about it. Most will just let it slide like water off a duck’s back. Kudos to those like you who still care!
DELAMAR SAYS...I would only level these heavy accusations in public if you have a way of proving it. These are serious allegations against someone else and even if it were all true proving it is an entirely different matter.
It is important that your words and actions are not charged to just idle talk or that you have some beef with the people concerned. If you will write to the chairman, I hope you have solid proof or at least a scent you can give the authorities to set them off on a trail.
Give them a clue or something. Maybe find a way they can investigate the computers used during the exams. Otherwise I think there isn’t much you really can do. Because even if you do the expose with no proof there is no resolution.
On a more personal note, I know that it seems so unfair that some people can get away with something so wrong while the rest of us do what is right even when it is difficult to do so. But let me tell you that nobody gets away with anything. It might not be today and in front of so many people but retribution comes inevitably. We all wish it will be sooner than later that people will get their comeuppance but when and where is not up to us. The cosmos has its own timing.
Think of it this way, we are each on a path, a result of the decisions we make at every single moment of our lives. These decisions have their consequences all the time. That is just the nature of things.
Remember physics? Each action has an equal opposite reaction. Even if seemingly they get away with things that they shouldn’t get away with, sooner or later it will catch up with them. Nobody really gets away.
Think of karma as a credit card. Charge now, pay later. But believe me at some point you will have to pay, like it or not. And the interest just goes up every time you delay payment or in this case until you do the right thing.
In any case, those people who didn’t pass, harsh as it may sound, got what they deserved. Those who really studied and passed the exam also got what they deserved. Those few who got away with passing by cheating didn’t take anything away from you or those who didn’t pass.
I know it seems like they got one over you because they got the same standing without doing the work but that doesn’t take away anything from you or from those who didn’t pass. If ever they are just enjoying something they didn’t earn.
So, don’t take it too personally. Don’t go on a crusade to nail them even if it’s the last thing you ever do in your life. The most that you can do in this situation is to expose it if you have the proof or as I wrote earlier to set the authorities off on a trail that might lead to the proof of your accusations. That is all that is expected of you and that is all your obligation to the situation. Other than that, you have to let it go.
You have to let the cosmos deal with these people. Their actions will catch up with them. It might not be now, it might not be in front of you but they are on a path of decisions whose consequences will collect sooner or later in their life.
Besides, the biggest "punishment" in all this is that they have something that isn’t real. They have a passing grade that stands for nothing. The very knowledge of it will be something that will always be at the back of their heads. Even if they don’t get caught they could be hounded by the fact that they COULD get caught at some point or another.
So, don’t be the judge and jury when it comes to other people’s actions. Do what is in your power if you feel there is injustice. If there is no more that you can do, you have to let it go. That is not your personal problem to bear. If anything it just takes your time and happiness away from your own success about the exams.
10/19/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:23:05 GMT -5
She’s just not into him
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...Im in my mid-20s and I’ve started studying again, but that’s not really where my problem is.
My life was simple, as sweet as it gets. I have a girlfriend, I love her, and we’ve been very happy together. Then suddenly, I met this pretty, pretty, beautiful girl in my third sem as a student. An angel! From that moment on, I knew my life would never be the same again, and it has certainly become precisely that.
I’ve noticed myself falling every time I’m with her. So I decided to end my relationship with my girl, which wasn’t going anywhere anyway. As I became closer and closer with my angel, I learned that she has a boyfriend who’s abroad. And apparently, they were not in good terms. With this feeling that I had, it never occurred to me that I would get hurt. I was so blinded that when we’re together, it felt like everything was in place. In short, I was so happy.
She told me that when the day comes when she’s free, then our relationship will have no boundaries. With that clinging in my mind, I endured the days when we were together, but also very sensitive to the fact that we might get caught. I can say that it already seemed like we were in a relationship, but with limitations and no formalities.
I wanted more. I’m not used to hidden relationships, so I asked her to choose. She said she coudn’t, so I stayed with a heavy heart.
Eight months have passed since we met. My angel and her boyfriend finally broke up. I was so thrilled that I asked her if we could now be together, but again, she refused. She even said that would be improper, that I should still wait.
Then I heard from my friend that the reason why she refused was that she wanted to be free. She wanted to enjoy things and that made me angry. So I told her that I couldn’t be in this kind of relationship with no commitment. I decided to move on, I isolated myself from her and the pain was so terrible.
She still texts me and calls me, but she cannot give what I want, while I cannot take what she can give. I should have listened to all my friends, who all disagree with her, I should have listened to my brothers, but I guess fate has a way of teaching us.
I haven’t seen her in three-weeks, and my heart still suffers. I’ve refused to see her or be with her again, but the sad truth is, I still care for her. I never loved anyone in my life before. Should I go back and be with her, but with no assurance that we will be exclusive? Or should I stay single and be miserable my whole life? What can I do? I’m pretending to my friends that I’m ok, but really I’m not. Please help me guys! Thanks and God bless! -Dakilang Sawi
CHICO SAYS... Since either choice will give you aggravation anyway, it basically boils down to choosing between the lesser of two heartbreaks.
Seriously, most decisions about love entails sacrifice in one form or another — you win some, you lose some. No one gets off without a scratch.
In your case, all you have to figure out is what weighs more in your heart, the need for stability and permanence or to have this girl in your life even if it means the romance could be fleeting. Let’s face it, the choices are crappy, but that’s what’s been put on your plate.
Personally, I can’t imagine staying with someone who won’t commit to me in an exclusive relationship. To me, it’s a sign that something is vewy, vewy wong. I mean, how simple can it get, if you love me and I love you, there should be no problem commiting to each other.
Of course there is that chance that if you stick around, she would eventually be convinced that taking that leap of faith is exactly what she wants, but just like anything in love, there are no guarantees.
If you decide to stay with her, be prepared to toughen up and take it like a man.
But if you decide to move on, then don ‘t look back. Don’t go half-baked somewhere in between.
Which pain is greater, losing her now, or staying with her now but eventually losing her later? How much do you love her? How much pain are you willing to risk? What’s more important to you, to love her now or to love her for good? Answer these questions and hopefully you’ll know what to do.
DELAMAR SAYS..It’s entirely up to you. What can you live with and what can you live without? Do you want to be without her? Can you live with yourself if you were in a relationship with her that is unsure?
Obviously she wants to be free…and all that it entails. It could entail seeing other people. It could entail doing things on her own now that she is finally unattached. It could entail any number of things. We don’t really know what her reasons are but what is glaring is that she’s not rushing into your arms, as you would like to rush into hers.
I’m just worried that the disparity between your feelings for her (which is obviously intense) and her feelings for you (which isn’t intense at all) will create problems down the road. You will definitely end up giving more than she might be willing to give you. And eventually you might start to feel shorthanded.
You are not on the same page when it comes to your relationship. You want different things. You will come to expect different things. Now, can you live with that? You will be with the girl you love but whose feelings for you are at best uncertain.
But you weigh your feelings for her and the misery of being without her. Then you decide what you can live with and what you cannot live without.
Bottom line is, the heart is not always reasonable and it will want and long for what it wants. But in the end it is the mind that decides. You can take your chances with her or you can choose self-preservation. So, what’s it gonna be?
10/26/05
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Post by Cat on Nov 5, 2005 6:24:17 GMT -5
He says She says Chico Delamar Make your move
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... Hi guys! I hope you can help me with this concern I have like those readers out there who you’ve directly or indirectly been of service to through this column.
I’m 23, of age, but totally confused. I’ve fallen for a guy who has been courting me for almost five months now. We’ve been friends for practically a year and a half before he said he loved me and would like to take his chance in courting me.
I knew he was interested in me even before we met because of a picture he saw from the friend who introduced us to each other. He never really said anything although there were times that I felt as if he cared too much about how I was.
The thing is my mom and friends do not approve of him. One reason is probably because two of his friends confessed feelings for me before he did and tried to court me but I had to turn them down for personal reasons. So the situation seems dubious.
They say that I might just be subject of a bet or something. They don’t trust him and they say I might cause their friendship to fall apart.But before he formalized his intentions, he spoke with his friends and asked them if they had plans to pursue me still because if they did, he would back out.
Second would be that they are over protective since this is going to be my first relationship. Another is my mom and friends say I deserve better than him. Admittedly, he’s not that good looking and nor is he rich or who can offer financial stability because as the eldest, he has responsibilities at home. He is far from the person I pictured who would sweep me off my feet but I don’t know why I feel this way toward him.
I would like to commit myself to him but the objections are really great and it’s causing me to doubt the way I feel about him and his intentions. I’m scared of getting hurt. I would like to trust him but it’s difficult. I’m afraid of the risk I have to take in entering into this kind of relationship. Help! I don’t know what to do. Thank you and God bless. - Mousie
CHICO SAYS...This is a complete judgment call on your part.
If your suitor is true, then you let other people’s fears do the deciding for you. It could very well mirror the line from George Michael’s song "Kissing A Fool" — "You listened to people who scared you to death and from my heart."
I understand your family’s fears for you since this is your first time, but you would eventually have to go out there and take risks for yourself. They can’t protect you forever from heartbreak caused by unscrupulous swains. You would have to learn for yourself how to separate the chaff from the grain.
Besides, it’s a bit farfetched that they have this twisted bet to see who can get you to say yes. It’s definitely possible, but it’s unlikely. Is it so outrageous to think that maybe the reason they all courted you is because you’re an attractive girl? On the other hand, if he is a sleazebag as your mother senses, then they just saved your heart from breaking into a million pieces.
But I go back to my original point which is, in as much as they’d like to shelter you from pain, no one is exempt. You have to earn your stripes and your right to a happy life by knowing the world out there, with all its beauty and abominations. You can’t filter life through the protective arms of your family. You won’t know the true beauty of life without tasting the bitter fruits that go with it.
I’m not saying that you should go and charge at every chance you get, because prudence is a very important virtue, but don’t live a life lead by fear. True, it’s a harsh world out there, but it’s worth the trouble. Even in nature you see how plants and animals run the gauntlet before they achieve their full glory.
Pain is bad. But pain is essential. Life has tons of pain as its minions but that’s how it is. Learn from it and be a better person because of it.
DELAMAR SAYS...Any romantic relationship involves risk. Some more than others, nevertheless, anyone who will get into it has to accept that taking a shot at love involves exposing yourself to hurt if it doesn’t work out.
That’s just the way it is. That’s the deal. You gamble. You roll the dice and take your chances. Of course, you study the risk, decide if it’s worth it and then do what you have to do. If you win, you win big time in love. But when you lose, there is a lot of hurt and pain.
But the good news is that there is a recovering when it doesn’t work. What did the great diva Cher say in her 1999 hit song? Do you believe in life after love? Personally, I’ve tried several times to take my chance at love. I’ve lost. But I’m still here. I’m still standing. Hurting, yes, but I’m still standing.
Pain in love doesn’t have to be the end of me! So, as far as the possibility of getting hurt in relationships, that’s a given. There’s no way you can get rid of the possibility of pain when you get very close to another human being especially in romantic relationships.
As far as what people have to say about your suitor, the bottom line here is this: It’s not up to your mother, not up to your friends, not even up to your suitor’s friends to decide what to do. It’s up to you and up to you alone.
What do YOU want? What does YOUR gut say about this guy? How do YOU feel? You sound young and inexperienced. But you’re not a kid anymore. At some point you’re going to have be in control of your life and make your own decisions especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Only you can know what’s in yours and what you feel from the other person.
I’m not saying to totally disregard what people have to say. Their fears for you MIGHT be warranted. But believing your mom or believing the guy is still your decision. You are the one closest to the guy so you are in the best position to feel whether he is being honest with you or not. And in the end, you will have to honor what you want, what you feel and what your gut is telling you.
Yes, you have to be careful because you could get hurt but knowing that the decision on the matter is yours you would be more willing to face the consequences.
This is your love or your pain at stake. This is your happiness or your disappointment at stake. This is your life lesson or your chance at happiness to take. So, it’s not up to anyone else but you.
You are in the best position to know what will make you happy and you’re also in the best position to protect yourself.
So, make YOUR move.
11/03/05
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Archive
Nov 11, 2005 0:47:11 GMT -5
Post by Cat on Nov 11, 2005 0:47:11 GMT -5
Uncut
Chico & Delamar
DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR... I’m 16 years old and I’m a high school senior in one of the bigger universities here in Manila. I actually feel a bit silly writing to you, because I feel that my problem isn’t that important, but I don’t know who to talk to anymore.
You see, I’m only 4 feet 8 inches tall, and am pretty small for my age, especially when you put me beside my other classmates. I’ve given up on ever growing any taller, and I thought I’d gotten over it. But it seems that I really haven’t.
I’ve always been teased about my height, and most of the time I’ve laughed along. I mean, what else can I do about it, right? For the most part my classmates have gotten used to it as well, and my exceptional grades—modesty aside-have made the teasing subside a lot. I’ve even become quite popular with girls, who tell me—or at least used to tell me—that I was very funny.
But you see, during an exam for P.E. before leaving for sem break, I was one of the first to finish the exam. As I was going out of the classroom, the doctor asked outloud, in front of the class, if I’d already been circumcised. Apparently, he was curious about why I was such a small kid, and you know that old belief that getting circumcised makes you taller.
I was too shocked to answer, because 1) that’s such a personal thing to ask, and to ask it in front of a whole room of people is just rude, in my opinion; and 2) why should it matter to him if I’m small or not? Does his job depend on my height? I think I managed to nod a yes, but by that time the whole class, and even my professor were laughing their asses off.
During the break my mother assured me that two weeks would be enough for everyone to forget about it, but lo and behold, once I go back to school, it’s still all anybody can talk about. Now I not only get teased about being small, I get teased about being supot, when I’m not. The girls aren’t laughing with me anymore, but at me.
I’m extremely frustrated and depressed. Nobody believes me when I tell them that I’m circumcised. What do they want me to do, show my penis to them? It’s made me doubt myself as well, because I’ve begun to notice that most job advertisements have height requirements that I obviously fall short of, pun intended. So, even if I have exceptional grades, it won’t matter because I’m not tall enough? Is that fair?
What should I do? How can I get over feeling inferior? - Mini me
CHICO SAYS...You know what, unless you plan to get into a job that has a height requirement like a flight attendant or a male model, you really just have to get used to the idea that you’re smaller than most people and know for a fact that there is nothing wrong with that.
Look, most, if not all of us, have a couple of body parts that people tormented us about — whether it was too big, too small, too many, or too few. It’s a sore point for me to even discuss, but mine is my nose. People, even my closest family and friends, never fail to remind me how big or tomato-like my nose is.
Once, while buying a pair of shades, the saleslady said it would have been perfect had my nose not literally stood out like a sore thumb in them.
But you know what, confidence about one’s body, no matter how flawed it is, comes much later, when life has shown to you that, in the big picture, merit far outstrips physical looks anytime. When you’re already the boss of all your tall classmates, your status towering over theirs, you’ll know what I mean.
Bill Gates once advised a group of graduating students to be nice to the nerds because those same nerds will be their future bosses. Same thing when it comes to physical shortcomings (no pun intended as well) — nobody sees how short you are when you dwarf them with your achievements.
I know from where I speak on both sides. I met a school bully of mine recently and he told me how much he was a fan of the show. I don’t even think he remembers how much he tormented me when we were young!
And same thing with me, only from the other side — the geeks who were even dorkier than we were, are now such big-time doctors and businessmen.
So remember, it’s not what you got, it’s how you use it. And even if you don’t end up a hotshot whatever, you still should accept wholeheartedly how you were made by your creator.
In the end, all those taunts by your classmates are mere words — they will only hurt you if you let them. So what if everyone thinks you’re "supot"? You know you’re not, your family knows you’re not, and your future girl will know you’re not, so who cares what everone else thinks?
Besides, what’s wrong with being uncut? Most foreigners aren’t, and that doesn’t seem to bother them. You gotta learn how to shake off what other people say about you, especially the ones that aren’t true.
Things only get worse as you get older, so get used to it. Office politics, competitor gossip, and neighborhood "chismis" — it’ll come out of your ears. Know who you are and set the record straight with the people close to you. As for everybody else? Let them eat your shorts.
Delamar Arias is currently indisposed and will be back on "He Say, She Says" next week.
11/09/05
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Post by Cat on Dec 8, 2005 6:58:32 GMT -5
Travel pooper DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...I know you guys love traveling. I also do. It is the best part of being single. Traveling made me more open-minded and it added zest to my prosaic life.
I am basically an introvert person and I am gradually coming out of my shell. We nearly visited the best beaches in the Philippines. My only qualm is that we have a "group" and this inner single group added spice in all our travels. In our own eccentric ways, we jibe well together.
My best friend wants to include her circle of friends from college and I have not met them. I fear that it would make me feel inhibited. What can I do?
We had a plan to go to Malaysia but when I found out that she’ll include her friends, I begged off. Consequently, the travel was cancelled. I feel guilty. What can I do? What if the travels will not be the same with "outsiders" who may inhibit my actions? Please help me.
CHICO SAYS...Wow, I think this thing with your travel buddies is the least of your concerns.
I really think you’d find a lot of people to your liking if you’d only give them a chance, just like your travel buddies. I think the only reason you got along with your core group of friends was because you weren’t overwhelmed by them. It’s not really that they’re special, or that they’re extra nice, they were just in the right place at the right time.
You’d be surprised that there are many other people out there, waiting to be discovered if you’d only take a closer look.
My suggestion? I’d meet your best friend halfway. Tell him about your little "problem." I would think that you’d be good enough friends to talk about it over a couple of drinks. Tell your best friend how people make you uncomfortable but that you’re willing to meet her friends. At least if she’s aware of your weakness when it comes to socializing, then she might be able to assist you in getting to know her friends.
You know what? Most of the people who have your problem (myself included) stems from the fear of being judged. It’s a deep-seated insecurity that people you meet look at you from head to toe and judge you lacking in one aspect or another.
When I was young, even walking to the altar for communion used to make me squirm. I used to feel like every eye in church was on me and thinking how ugly I was, and how geeky my clothes were, and how funny my walk was, and how big my eyes were, and...I think you get my point. So maybe if you tried to meet more people, you’d find that for every a**hole you meet, you’d also meet a pretty cool person.
Sometimes, it just takes a person or two you really enjoy hanging with, to make you stop and tell yourself that there’s not as much need anymore to be too guarded because there are people out there who will like you exactly for who you are and wouldn’t want anything changed about you.
Now I’m not painting you a rose-colored version of this cruel world, because let’s face it, most people still judge others by their looks, wealth, status, etc., but what I’m saying is that there are good people out there if you look hard enough. It’s just up to you to put yourself out there and learn to separate the grain from the chaff.
DELAMAR SAYS...The weird thing about hang ups is that if you don’t settle them you will just continue to be bullied by them. It will continue to limit your life. They are actually little fears that stop us from living a full and varied life just because we’re afraid of something in your case it’s being with people because you’re a loner.
I just don’t know if you’re a loner because you might be wary of people or you’re wary of people because you’re a loner. There’s a big difference there. Now, I don’t know what exactly you’re apprehensive about when it comes to having a lot of people around you but you have to examine what this is really all about.
First of all, not wanting to travel with people you hardly know is not that odd. And everyone has their own preference when it comes to travelling. But I suppose that you yourself have labelled it a hang up, not a preference. There is an element of being unable to go beyond your comfort zone even if at some level although you don’t want to, you think you should.
You can somehow acknowledge the fact that how you feel about other people and/or company in general might be limiting you. That is the beginning of change. And that’s good. You’re examining your life and how you do things. You now want to know if you want to continue having this hang up.
Well, all I can tell you is, from one hang-up-riddled-person to another, I would like to say: JUST TRY. It’s not going to kill you. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
If you travel with people other than your friends, the worst that could happen is that you won’t enjoy the trip. But you don’t know that before you actually go on the trip and spend time with them.
I’m just saying that the fact of the matter is that things can go either way: You might hate it and reinforce your "preference" of just travelling with your friends or you might actually enjoy it.
The way I see it it’s a good way to know what you really want. It might be logical to also think that you might like travelling with her friends if you just gave it a chance. It’s possible you won’t enjoy it but then you’ll know that you don’t just want company from anybody, it has to be somebody you could feel comfortable with.
Why don’t you just go out for dinner with her friends if that’s possible? Try to see if these people are the kind you could have fun with or a good conversation with. If you find that you don’t like them, don’t travel with them. If you think their company isn’t so bad then try the next step and go on a short trip with them. It’s like testing the waters, if you will.
Then from there I think you could somehow gauge if you want to try travelling with them. And even if you find out that you don’t like this particular bunch of people, you should be still open to the possibility that you might enjoy some other people’s company. In general, it doesn’t hurt to be open to new things and new way of doing things. You might find out you enjoy some activities that you thought you wouldn’t.
It’s a good idea to try new things, even things we are afraid of, just to continually get to know ourselves and what we like, what we don’t like, what we can or cannot do. It’s examining who we are and it’s always nice to give new things a chance.
How will you ever know that you don’t like something until you’ve tried it, right? How would you have known that you like travelling with your friends if you didn’t give them a chance?
11/16/05
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