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Post by milwaukee on Apr 7, 2004 4:22:55 GMT -5
The Homeless Couple and the Priest This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass. He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could eat. The priest said, ''You can eat over at the church.'' The woman said, ''We have nine children -- will there be enough?'' ''Oh yes, '' the priest replied, ''the grass is 2 1/2 inches taller over there.''
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Post by masterbather on May 6, 2004 8:08:41 GMT -5
The Homeless Couple and the Priest This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass. He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could eat. The priest said, ''You can eat over at the church.'' The woman said, ''We have nine children -- will there be enough?'' ''Oh yes, '' the priest replied, ''the grass is 2 1/2 inches taller over there.'' cute... cruel but cute... ;D
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on May 13, 2004 17:56:29 GMT -5
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on May 25, 2004 17:06:07 GMT -5
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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Post by jazzycalizacion on May 25, 2004 18:59:52 GMT -5
that last post hit me hahahaha.. thanks nice one to start my day..
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on May 31, 2004 17:32:23 GMT -5
Pedro gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Evil is handling the case.
They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Pedro. "Pedro?" the doctor asks. "Yes, sir what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Pedro, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Pedro, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Pedro begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Pedro begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Pedro begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Pedro is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Evil reaches out his hand and pats Pedro on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just messing with you! Actually, she's dead."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 1, 2004 18:26:35 GMT -5
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 1, 2004 18:30:04 GMT -5
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares: Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 1, 2004 18:34:02 GMT -5
Ladies' Embarrassing Moments
Curl Up and Die I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Ho, Ho, Ho I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom. And wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked so adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!
Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 4, 2004 10:52:42 GMT -5
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
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Post by masterbather on Jun 8, 2004 7:16:57 GMT -5
ba't andaming jokes ni drbob? nakukuha ba yan sa mga pasyente? buti pa yata kaw, drbob, ala masyado problems... i really could use the jokes you post... lalo na pag exam season!!! ;D
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 13, 2004 11:09:56 GMT -5
There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was & how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
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Post by masterbather on Jun 14, 2004 8:12:12 GMT -5
forgive me for doing 'cut and paste'Reporter: Mr. Poe, if you become president, what would you say in your SONA? FPJ: Ah e kwan Miss, magkano all the way? Yan palagi ang sinasabi ko sa SAUNA. Huwag mong sasabihin kay Susan ha!
Wife: Doc, what can I do to make my husband well? Doc: Just give him good food and tender loving care. Husband: Hon, what did the doctor say? Wife: Sorry, hon, you're not going to make it.
Q: What is the Funniest Phil.Joke? Hint: Look at the initials. FPJ
Ping: Half Pinoy, half Pinay. FPJ: Half American, half Spanish. Roco: Half Hawaiian, half woman. Eddie V: Half born, half reborn. Eddie Gil: half bald, half wig GMA: Half only.
Bayan, sa halalang darating, don't forget: Ibalik si Jinggoy sa kulungan Guingona sa nursing home Tatad sa Opus Dei Sotto sa Eat Bulaga Maceda sa gay bar; at Enrile sa ka live-in niya.
Mare 1: Alam mo ba si Mahal sa liit ng damit niya ay di na siya gumagamit ng washing machine pag naglalaba. Mare 2: Ano ang ginagamit niya? Mare 1: Blender.
May suspects na sa mga nagnakaw ng ulo, kamay, korona, at damit ng 300 taong Sto. NiƱo. Sa 3 lang daw kakasya ang mga iyon-kay Mahal, kay Mura, at kay GMA.
A wife said "health is wealth." When her husband died, the lawyer read the will and sid, To my children I leave my mansion and $30M, to my wife, my vitamins.
A new virus has been discovered in the Philippines that is deadlier than BIRD FLU. The disease is FERNANDO FLU JR. It can easily kill 85M Filipinos.
Chineseman: Me no come to work, me sick. Boss: When I'm sick, I have sex with my wife, try it. 2 hours later, Chinese phones back. Chineseman: It worked. Me better. You got nice house.
Biology time: Q: What do you call the stage when the woman misses her period? A: Menopause Q: What do you call the time when a man starts using Viagra? A: Kinapause.
7 RULES TO BE HAPPY: 1. Never hate. 2. Don't worry. 3. Live simply. 4. Expect little. 5. Live with God. 6. Give a lot. 7. DON'T VOTE FOR FPJ.
Let's show our anger at Comelec for declaring Eddie Gil as nuisance candidate! Join the noise barrage tonight by banging your heads on the wall at 12 midnight. Please pass a load.
Good News!!! Disqualified na si Eddie Gil. Comelec has discovered tht his hair is not natural born.
Erap: What is the differende between H2O and C02? FPJ: Easy lang, H2O means hot water, CO2 is cold water!
The debates should be between co-equals. Roco vs Villanueva on the issue of RIGHTEOUSNESS, GMA vs. Lacson on CORRUPTION, Eddie Gil vs. FPJ on the issue of SANITY.
When you hear Dolphy say FPJ will make a great president, try to remember that the man is a professional comedian.
Playboy Magazine's latest survey results on the presidential race: a) FPJ is on top of GMA b) Noli is on top of Loren c) Ping is behind Roco
Mga libreng alok ng presidentiables: Roco - libreng libro FPJ - libreng sine Ping - libreng libing Eddie G - libre sa hotel Eddie V - libre sa langit GMA - libreng-libre ang asawa!
Di na raw pinapalo sa puwet ang mga sanggol na ipinapanganak. Binubulungan na lang ng doctor ng: P41,000 ang share mo sa "Pambansang Utang."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 24, 2004 5:53:57 GMT -5
A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.
"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 24, 2004 5:55:13 GMT -5
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N", she answered.
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