drbob
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Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 24, 2004 6:03:22 GMT -5
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local bar. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." Why not?" the nun asked. Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 26, 2004 12:33:42 GMT -5
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see?
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2:! Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Moral of the Story: Don't Mess with Old Ladies.
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 28, 2004 9:05:13 GMT -5
A plane is on it's way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 28, 2004 9:08:01 GMT -5
A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, but they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along and sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and then walks away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed, "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer?
We were looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 29, 2004 17:44:11 GMT -5
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yes'am they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest--he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here... Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Mumma replied, "Well, yes--it make it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead amd says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I jest call them by their last names."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 29, 2004 17:47:53 GMT -5
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing. What was he singing, you ask??? Get ready, it's good... I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone... (N.B.: If you don't know the song, you might not get the joke...obvious bang pang-oldies ito? He He He!)
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jun 29, 2004 17:50:11 GMT -5
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?".
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die.".
She says, "Of course, Dear." They make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...".
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!".
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jul 1, 2004 5:07:14 GMT -5
FINALLY-- A MAN WITH GUTS
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do".
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up...and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??..What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outifts. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept, where she picked up a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you....she was soooo excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it".
Her face just went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile............You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either......
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jul 1, 2004 17:47:42 GMT -5
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW! What a ride!"
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Post by masterbather on Jul 2, 2004 0:53:33 GMT -5
dominated ni drbob ang thread na ito... may monopoly kasi siya ng mga jokes na 'clean.' tsk, sayang... di ako pwede dito... hahaha...
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jul 6, 2004 5:19:30 GMT -5
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver spotted a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain that he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jul 6, 2004 5:21:55 GMT -5
Guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jul 6, 2004 5:22:58 GMT -5
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
What's the difference between Biology and Sociology? When the baby looks like the father, its Biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, its Sociology!
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jul 7, 2004 7:21:43 GMT -5
A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked." "Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."
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drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by drbob on Jul 7, 2004 7:24:38 GMT -5
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus, but that was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
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