drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Oct 27, 2002 5:29:03 GMT -5
share a joke or two, or 3, or more...
|
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Oct 27, 2002 5:32:55 GMT -5
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken
has gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I will soon release the new Chicken Office
2002, which will not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook.
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected and evolved over time in such a way that they are now genetically endowed with the capabilities required to cross roads.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the
road. It transcended it.
BILL CLINTON : I did not, repeat, did not have sexual
relations with the chicken.
ERAP: Ang media ang may kasalanan diyan!
MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO : " Aha! I know it! That
chicken crossed the road to provoke me. I move to
permanently hold in contempt that chicken. I request
for a restraining order, your honor, so that the
chicken would not be able to cross the road again!"
RAMON REVILLA: "I concur, your honor. You see, may
timbangan ako ng manok sa bahay. Doon ko nga nalaman na 96 grams ang 1000 na bills ng 1000 pesos to make 1 million pesos. See 96 grams? 96 grams talaga! Malapit yun sa isang kilo...eh sa 96 grams talaga eh...Pero huwag nyo akong tanungin kung ilang
kilo ang manok na nagcross ng road. Eh, di ko nakilo
eh. I guess, takot syang pakilo. Baka kulang sya ng 96
grams. In short, kulang sya ng isang kilo."
EMMA LIM: Para po uminom ng iced tea, your honor!
CHAVIT SINGSON: Eh, nililito nyo lang po ako, your
honor. Di ko alam kung bakit nagcross yun ng road.
Wala naman sa ledger ko kung bakit. Nililito nyo
lang po ako. Nililito nyo lang po talaga ako.
CLARISSA OCAMPO: It crossed the road to go to the
office of, I am sorry, Mr. Estelito Mendoza.
ESTELITO MENDOZA: Whether I will quit as a defense
lawyer of the president or not, shall depend upon the
decision of the president himself, not the crossing of
the road by the chicken.
RAUL ROCO: It is a noble profession to be a chicken
and to cross that road!
CHIEF JUSTICE HILARIO DAVIDE: Unless there is an
objection, the chicken can cross that road.
|
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Oct 27, 2002 5:36:51 GMT -5
INTERESTING CHURCH SIGNS:
1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CARPARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY; Trespassers will be baptized!
2. "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
3. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own
message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
8. "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
9. "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
13. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
14. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
15. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
16. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
17. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ----(U R)
18. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
20. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
|
|
tim
New Member
Posts: 4
|
Post by tim on Oct 27, 2002 5:41:22 GMT -5
share a joke or two, or 3, or more... Why is eight afraid of seven?  |
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Oct 27, 2002 17:53:40 GMT -5
Why is eight afraid of seven? because 7 8 9... |
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Oct 28, 2002 18:04:48 GMT -5
The differences between rich and poor:
Kung mayaman ka, meron kang allergy";
kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis".
Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo";
sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension".
Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac";
sa mahirap, ang tawag dito ay "magnanakaw".
Pag mayaman ka, you’re "eccentric";
kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo".
Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom";
kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba",
pero kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".
Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita",
pero ang señorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi".
Kung nasa high society ka, you are approvingly called "slender" or "balingkitan";
kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "tisika" (kung masyado kang payat).
Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite";
kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano".
Kung mahirap ka at date ka rito, date ka doon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "nagwawala";
kung well-off kayo, ikaw ay "game".
"Malandi" ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong;
pero kung mayaman kayo, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated".
Ang mahirap na tumatanda ay "gumugurang";
sa mayamang tumatanda, the description is "he or she graduates gracefully into senior citizenhood".
Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner’;
ang equivalent na anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "pangod".
Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says "masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking";
kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself or herself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Chanti on Oct 31, 2002 8:40:08 GMT -5
Always take the time to smell the roses...
and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Money isnt everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
;D
|
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Mar 26, 2004 7:06:49 GMT -5
new virus discovered:
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
|
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Mar 26, 2004 7:17:19 GMT -5
medical bulletin:
For those of you who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
|
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Mar 26, 2004 7:45:11 GMT -5
This is a genuine psychological test.
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy she was searching for that she fell in love with him
right then and there but never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was. A few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down.
Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by masterbather on Mar 27, 2004 4:07:36 GMT -5
This is a genuine psychological test. It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy she was searching for that she fell in love with him right then and there but never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was. A few days later the girl killed her own sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down. Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. a similar story was narrated to me by my classmate... although it was kind of jumbled up in her mind... it quite didn't make sense. good thing i found this version. now it's crystal clear to me how the real story went... thnks drbob.... |
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Mar 27, 2004 4:12:57 GMT -5
a similar story was narrated to me by my classmate... although it was kind of jumbled up in her mind... it quite didn't make sense. good thing i found this version. now it's crystal clear to me how the real story went... thnks drbob.... yw. as long as u didn't answer it correctly, he he he |
|
|
|
Post by masterbather on Mar 27, 2004 4:20:42 GMT -5
yw. as long as u didn't answer it correctly, he he he hmmm... sagutan portion ba ito? hehehe... there was this carpenter pulling out nails from his bag, look at it and then throw it away. pull another one, look at it, and then hammer it into the wall. and so on... a neighbor came up and asked the carpenter, "why dyah throw some of the nails and hammer in the others? aren't they all the same?!" the carpenter replied calmly, "i'm just being careful, y'know... when i pull out nail and if it's pointed towards the house, i nail it in. but if it's pointed at me, i throw it away... i don't wanna die just yet!" the neighbor hit the carpenter on the head and said, "you dummy! those were for the OTHER SIDE of the house!!!" |
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Mar 28, 2004 6:10:42 GMT -5
Why We Need Signs Saying "I'm Stupid"
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys.
Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. The teller read the note and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign.
Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail: a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well.
The cashier refused and said, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. (Give this guy his!)
Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)
Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.)
Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor, Michigan. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Are we out of signs already?
|
|
drbob
Junior Member
Posts: 92
|
Post by drbob on Mar 28, 2004 6:17:32 GMT -5
Warning!!!
New Virus
There is a dangerous virus going around.
It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else,
via email or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out
your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two
good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote
known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you
realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already
infected and that WORK already controls your life.
Remember, This virus is deadly!
|
|
