President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil. 2. Never goes sour. 3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,,,, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested.
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10."
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from badbreath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
Mrs. Jones, deeply troubled, was consulting a psychiatrist. "My husband," she said, "is convinced he's a chicken. He goes around squawking constantly and sleeps on a large bar of wood he has fixed up as a perch." "I see," said the psychiatrist thoughtfully. "And how long has your husband been suffering from this fixation?" "For nearly two years now." The psychiatrist frowned slightly and said, "But why have you waited till now to seek help?" Mrs. Jones blushed and said, "Oh, well it was so nice having a steady supply of eggs."
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day. The first day, the blonde does 8 miles. The boss is extremely impressed. The second day the blonde does 4 miles. The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before. The third day, the blonde does two miles. The boss thinks she is just having a bad day, so he still lets her keep the job. The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile. The boss asks, "You were doing so well before. Why aren't you doing well now?!" The blonde replies, "I can't get far because each day I'm getting further and further away from the bucket."
The very first ever Blonde GUY Joke...and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican guy opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican guy opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall through the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."